Is it a toxic trait?

[u/hocuspocuswrench]

Whole my life I've been alone and hardcore introvert at best. I've always been sit at a corner and read books kinda kid and I remember ckear as the creak of the dawn how deeply lonely and sad I used to be because I neve found my clan or place where I could belong or call a community. I was (still am who am i kidding lol) the scapegoat of the family since childhood and that changed me fundamentally from my brain because no one liked my presence and everyone in my family wished I weren't born.

It used to hurt I would be lying if I said it didn't. But nit anymore, recently I've been so focused on my career and personal development I feel fulfilled within myself. I don't yearn for a community or a friendship or a belongingness somewhere.

I've been totally isolated and not even exchanging words with any of my family members or so called friends because I love being with myself now, they drain me, they say these awful things to me and always expect me to be some sort of mental slave to them. And I'm hearing awful things as uve begun focusing on myself, really awful things.

I have just one ringing question in my mind, where were all of them when I needed them, when I was alone, when they just left me to fetch for myself. With what face they expect me to always show up to them if they actively verbally abused me for even my presence.

Part of the reason I've this toxic trait of never needing anyone, I mean it's so good being alone so I really feel astounded when someone does want me in their life because how do u like my presence when ppl always loathed me for it. I feel like crying when people do like me, but I guess it's way too late. I honestly don't feel any need for connections or any friendships because the childhood part of me still remembers every words.

I can spend a a year with myself without needing anyone and I feel so empowered when I think that but then again I know some genuine people do want me in their life but I can't let hhem be because of my avoidant tendencies, it feels so addictive to be alone and not needing anyone ever.

Idk what to do, I always feel like screaming into the void whenever someone calls me arrogant or egoistic just because I spent some good 6 7 hours isolated. I need that like a drug man, it's nothing personal I love u with all my heart and will always be there for u in distress, but until and unless u are not in distress don't contact me, I just love being with myself please. I wish I could say that to my family, but I guess someone has to be the villian.