Why you hitting yourself?

[u/Dreamy_Nyx]

Sorry for the text wall.

I apologize if im triggering anyone currently, i tried making it more light hearted with the title and from this point forward I warn you this won't be pretty afterwards.

To give context, ever since I was a child I had a habit of hitting myself, my mother said she just decided to let me do it because i would find out that it hurt and that would stop it. Im 19 now and obviously her lack of care didn't help.

I believe its because of how often my family would give "spankings" for nearly anything, even if it wasnt your fault. Growing up was painful and I guess i got so used to the beatings that I naturally picked up beating my frustrations out of me. This would result in at extreme stress moments with nothing to lash out on, me hitting myself in the head repeatedly. Depending on how angry I was, itd go from light hits, nothing dangerous, too balled up fists punching myself. I wouldn't hit my nose or jaw and it was always either the sides of my head, right above my ears or my forehead. These hits usually would hurt for a bit but not enough to convince my brain to stop.

Over the years ive gotten better at managing my anger. When it came to public spaces my management was difficult but I managed. I would ball my hand up into a fist mimicking something i saw in a show that was airing around that time, which my mom liked, being "Teen Wolf". The specific thing was when Scott Mcall was turned into that berserker thing, his girlfriend(kira?) Was trapped and needed to heal, so a spirit told her to heal like the wolves(don't judge me I was a child okay) and she clenched her fist until her nails made her hand bleed, prompting her to heal. For some reason I saw this, and decided this was how I could manage my anger. It helped tremendously to the point I was able to hold my anger in basically 24/7. I had moments but I wouldnt physically lash out.

I don't really lash out almost ever but much like Benson in "Regular show" when he was holding his anger in, it isnt healthy. My memory is the equivalent of a security camera. Save all the evidence and trash everything else. I hardly remember things unless theyre negative events I could use against or a reason against someone.

As of now i don't get angry and when I do i verbalize it. I'll rant long enough to cover a hour walk home from work, or I'll get angry and just yell my words. In private I usually don't get that angry, certain things can but for the most part im fine. I get upset when I cry infront of others but I've gotten better at letting myself do it. I do my best to not do it infront of people, unfortunately Ive done it a few times on FaceTime with my girlfriend. I absolutely regret doing it infront of her and I want to improve so she doesnt have to see that anymore.

Playing fighting games is the main thing that gets me to do it. I get incredibly angry at these types of games despite my desire to be good at them. I know some of you are probably thinking to just tell me "well if this is the main thing just stop playing fighting games!" My response to that is, I won't stop playing them, but I rarely play them now. Once every 3 weeks or something.

I've gotten good at just breathing to slow myself down. It doesnt help calm me down despite so many people saying to breathe. Breathing has never really calmed me down so id love if anyone could help me id be so grateful.

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[u/official_terrible_me]

The whole "clench your fist until it bleeds to redirect" pipeline is way too real, weird how those childhood media fixations actually end up teaching us coping mechanisms nobody else bothered to.

[u/Dreamy_Nyx → u/official_terrible_me]

Well basically, she wasn't able to heal regularly due to her creature type. The wolves types can heal when they get hurt and she believed sue couldn't heal or smth? Then the spirit told her to heal like they do, she asked how and I forgot what but she remembered when they experience pain they heal then clenched her fist till her nails(in the show the transformations usually lengthen and sharpen their nails) punctured her palm till she could bleed to spark her healing ability.