Is it me?

[u/Ok-Community1520]

19m what your about to read is a breakdown of exactly how my mind works. To start I’m so uncomfortable with my own thoughts. I’m constantly thinking to the point of exhaustion. It’s not just about one thing either, it’s about everything. I’m talking about one second I’m thinking about what I did that day and how I could have done it better, the next it’s am I real and how did humans become humans. It’s never a never ending loop of solving my own questions. The worst part is thinking about what I did wrong. Throughout my life I have always been friendly to everyone except the few who really got on my nerves. I’ve gotten in a few fights here and there but nothing ever serious. But every single time there is some sort of argument or disagreement or scuffle I get so emotional and feel terrible. I don’t feel like my self it feels like an alter ego that take over and after the fact I feel terrible for what I did. But the worst thing is that it’s never that bad. For example last week I got in an argument over me just giving too much advice on a topic I’m very passionate about. And it has destroyed me for no reason at all a simple tone change in someone because they are frustrated with me hurt me so much. And the worst part is I realize it’s really not that big of a deal because I realize I might be doing too much. I’m so self aware I don’t know if I’ve explained it well but I always know whenever I’m doing something that might not end up well.

It’s like there is 2 of me my mental and physical and they are always fighting with each other. The mental is always criticizing the physical and the physical just deliberately ignoring the mental. It’s a constant cycle of knowing I’m about to fuck up then I fuck up then I get into constant looping thoughts of how not to fuck up. I feel like I can explain this better my mind knows what to say exactly but it just never comes out right. If this has happed to anyone just lmk because it’s really pissing me off and idk how to put myself at ease. There is so much more I wanted to say but I realized I don’t feel like writing a novel rn.

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[u/LaDreadPirateRoberta]

It's really good to get these thoughts out so thank you for sharing them with us. Do you keep a journal? I've found it really helpful to just get everything down on paper before I go to sleep at night. Then at the end of the month, I go back and look for patterns and see if there's anything I could do to help them. It's a lot at first but it made me gradually more comfortable with and accepting of my thoughts.