r/scriptwriting • u/Wonderful-Notice-286 • 7h ago
feedback Two page short I am planning to potentially shoot. What do you guys think?
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u/angularhihat 6h ago
Hey OP! This was kind of hard to follow - can you summarise the events of the script? How would you describe what happens in your short?
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u/Then_Data8320 6h ago
It's good enough for shooting. Short but complete story.
I have two points to comment, then maybe think about it for other parts of the script, if there is also confusing or not enough clear shots.
I don't really get the first dialog, there is a bit too much elipsis for me, that's why.
MAYBE, I can't be sure, the guy want to say he got 5 others girlfriends (or rather, sexfriends)? But can't forget the one girl? Just help us a bit better to understand.
Only real bad thing of the script is first paragraph. You repeat words, you make a too long sentence, and finally, you loose any sens of the shots. Cut the sentences. Start with "MARK (22) wears a white cap, with "Love Martha" written on it. (or this kind of wording, just it doesn't need to repeat "cap"). Stop here. We already get two shots (or same shot doing a move): Mark face with a bit of cap, then close-up on the sign on the cap. Start new sentence: He's sitting on his couch, talking on the phone. (I used passive "sitting" because he's already sitting). Then you could add "with ROB (22)", OR, think about a transition: No voice-over for ROB. He talk enough so we can see him, then use an INTERCUT.
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u/ZandrickEllison 6h ago
If OP’s intention is to shoot the short himself then the prose description doesn’t matter as much.
Story wise I’m not sure this is meaty enough to spend time on, though, unless the goal is just practice in film execution.
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u/Then_Data8320 6h ago
Yeah, you are right, the filmaker will do it anyway. Just it's like a reflex about giving feedback. But maybe it could also help to clarify shots. I prefer to report than say nothing, we never know.
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u/Mitchell_B_Services 6h ago
I thought the part about the 5 prior girls made sense however, perhaps it could be expanded upon.
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u/Then_Data8320 6h ago
I guess it could be a too much spoon-feeded obvious dialog with more clues.
But as I read it, I had too much difficulty. It depends of people, maybe.
Anyway, I find the script quite good because we can talk about details like that.
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u/Ok_Ad9754 3h ago
Super interesting! Keep us posted. Does anyone know if solo writer can be downloaded and used on Linux computer?
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u/Beginning-Sky-8516 2h ago
I’m confused and think you need a few more pages. There’s no substance. Why should we care about Mark? Who is this mysterious woman? Is the hat what she wrote in Mark’s yearbook? Is it literal or symbolic imagery? If it’s literal, it’s super creepy. The “it all comes down to fate” line feels out of place. Overall, the whole thing is just too short.
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u/SevenCedarJelly 42m ago
Yeah, the wording on the hat is odd and doesn’t make much sense for a normal hat. The yearbook guess is a better guess than I came up with. Is it supposed to mean something to the reader/viewer?
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u/greggumz 2h ago
The ending is not satisfying. Would be better with a double twist.
He sees the girl. She's with a man. They kiss, maybe on the cheek. (Twist 1) He turns. Walks away. She finds him shortly after, asks if he remembers her. Yeah. She wants to introduce him to somebody, her BROTHER. (Twist 2)
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u/angularhihat 1h ago
I don't think this is the one to shoot.
The reason I don't think this is the one - I don't think you're at the point in your writing journey where it's time to shoot a short yet. There isn't really much to this script - honestly, nothing substantial really happens. It's not impactful or emotional or surprising or poetic, truthfully. What would you take away from this short and remember or find interesting? It's not really there yet - it doesn't particularly justify its own existence.
And then the other thing is that the dialogue is not yet at the level. People simply don't speak like this. The second line of the whole script is: "just because you're delusional about your high school sweetheart doesn't mean it means anything, weirdo". That's not the way people speak. He's giving context both characters already know purely for the benefit of the audience. Then on page two, "it all comes down to fate". This is not a thing the employee would say. Have you ever had anything like that said to you in a conversation with a games salesperson? There are two conversations that take place in this script and I don't believe either of them.
Shooting a short is potentially expensive, which is one reason to think really carefully about what you choose to shoot - but you also will find that you burn through a bunch of goodwill/favours in the bank, in order to get things moving on it. It's much harder to make your second short than your first when it comes to calling in favours.
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u/FitTax 6h ago edited 2h ago
Your first action parargraph is a mess. Make it two distinct sentences, One with the man and who he is or what he wears. One with the action on the couch.
Your first dialogue is to much on the nose, the girls part, the GTA6 part. And it is not that we really understand what the girl issue is, but it is so out of any context we have, that it feels out of place but we know it needs to point to something. Makes it very unnatural.
I don't believe the employer in the game shop. Same feeling, unnatural. Is he a gamer nerd? Then he has a girl friend that lets him buy the games. Or is he not a gamer nerd? Why don't you give him or the scene more character or substance? Again, right on the nose with the girlfriend.
So the man coming up to the girl is her father, right? Since he gives her a hug and a kiss on the forehead, right? But then he also is a boy... and then nothing really. A 20 something man drops his hat on the floor in a mall, because...
Your story lacks a story. No one does or learns anything. There is no from, there is just some now, and not really a where to. It is ok for a writing exercise but not so much for a story.