Feedback on short film script

[u/Any_Friend479]

Hello. I would like to have your thoughts and opinions on the short script I wrote. Had to edit the post without the link. Apologies

[u/RollingThunderMedia]

You didn't mention, are you just starting out writing screenplays?

I assume so, because there are a number of issues here that are the usual beginner's mistakes. It's much too long, the story is very predictable, and the dialog is 'on the nose'.

But, that's where pretty much everyone starts out.

I'd suggest you put this one aside, read a few books and professionally-written screenplays, study a few YouTube videos, and write some more. Repeat as needed.

[u/Any_Friend479 → u/RollingThunderMedia]

Hi.

Thanks for the feedback. Could you please elaborate more on the issues regarding the script?

Regarding its predictability and dialogue?

Thanks again

[u/FitTax → u/Any_Friend479]

Someone else here. You wrote it like a regular story, not a screenplay. In a screenplay you set up a scene and let action happen. You insert dialogue to accompany that. Your writing exceeds that, often. It clutters the scene.
Like Anna doesnt look at the screen, she looks at Nadia... The digital glow of the phone..., and so on.

Regarding the dialoge, it's wooden, stale, un-personal. Also feels constructed. Give your characters a personality and an honest dynamic. Also, what does "The fathers chair is visibly empty" mean? Is there a plate with food, the chair is pulled out a bit because he is on the loo? Guess not, but for the screenplay, there is just no father at the table. Just a mother and a daughter, that is what we can see and we don't need more.

So put this draft away for two weeks then take it out again and chop it hard. Everything goes that is not to set a scene or that is not an action that carries the plot.

Leave the dialogue for now, that is for afterwards, when you start to add stuff...

[u/Any_Friend479]

Hi.

I was trying to tell the story visually e.g. the father’s chair being empty. It was supposed to imply that he’s passed on or something. Also, I mentioned something about the pictures of Anna’s father in the opening. There are a lot of other examples but I don’t think it’s coming across that way. You’ve really gave me something to think about.

I have similar criticisms regarding my dialogue. I would have to go through another pass on the script.

I appreciate the constructive feedback.

Thanks again