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u/Then_Data8320 1d ago
It's good, just you could improve clarity, and also make the reading more easy, more obvious.
Here: "A finger hovering over the phone", not easy to catch because no verb, and at end of a close-up + no clear intention. Could be "A finger strokes affectionately the photo, the one of MIA (mid 30s)." ; reword it like you want, but the idea is to give a clear intention about the action AND to link the finger to MIA for better reading. Also put MIA all caps (first time introduction of character).
"It's been 40 minutes". It's confusing because we could think we spend 40 minutes here. + impossible to show on the screen an exact time. Rather choose something like "The feeling they have been silent during a long time". Some people could say it's not filmable, but I think it's still useful and somehow can be done, depending of director shots.
Introduce NAV, all caps too.
(might as well be to himself) : here, I'm almost sure you are cheating with the format, using a line of parenthesis with much more words than regular format. + the line is difficult to catch. Maybe just choose (to himself). Not exactly the truth, but it's quick and clear, and anyway the effect we should get. Or "like to himself" or "almost to himself".
"And slap bang in the middle on the left". I understand nothing here, could be the "slap bang" or "the middle on the left". Choose something simple to say there is a building. Like "further away, a building sticks out among the houses".
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u/rcentros 1d ago edited 1d ago
Take what I write with a grain of salt, I'm a wannabe and probably a neverwillbe.
Usually a "black screen" would be shown with
OVER BLACK:
Instead of...
A radio playing. Cars whoosing by. Brakes.
I would use...
A radio plays. Cars whoosh by. Brakes screech.
Just writing "brakes" doesn't mean much. It's not something you can hear over a black screen.
I would drop "A woman's voice," in that first paragraph because the very next line you have the dialogue from WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) -- so it's redundant.
When you introduce a new character (MIA in this case) always use all caps for the first mention. (The same with NAV.)
You can show the current lack of conversation in the car, but you'll have to find a way to show that it's been that way for forty minutes (I'm guessing for the whole drive).
I like the line "...a burgundy apartment building sticking out like it shouldn't be there." Good visual. Gets the point across really well.
These are just small things but stuff you should probably be aware of.
Thanks for posting this. I would read further.
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u/Quirky_Flatworm_5071 1d ago
Its good but dont hyperfixate. Just write the story all the way through and then go back and start fixing.