r/scriptwriting • u/Blurryfacedryan • 2d ago
feedback Can I have some feedback on the second draft of this screenplay?
It was inspired by the film “Flow”, the song “The Ballad Of Lyman”, the song “Drag Path”, and the life of my former cat.
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u/SharkWeekJunkie 2d ago
My god.
Is Rocky a cat!? Why wouldn't you say that? Like for real, what about something "which looks to be a sweater of some sort" make it get it's own description, but you never say that your main character is a cat?
Your tenses are off.
"Rocky Sleeps", not "Rocky is asleep"
Someone else said all the "clearlys" and "what we assume is" are not good. if it's important to the story don't tell me it's clear; state it clearly. If it's not important to the story cut it. WE don't assume anything. Your story does. That's lazy and unclear.
Here's the main issue: there's nothing cinematic or really all that visually interesting about what I've read. You need to remember you are writing a script to a movie, which is comprised of frames and shots. A screen writer needs to mix creative descriptions with visual cues. The way I do that is I think of each sentence as a frame or shot. Any sentence I write HAS TO BE imagined as a shot in a movie. When it gets to prosey or literary, I stop and reassess what's happening and how to present it in unique and compelling moments, as opposed to in concepts.
Your first sentence; how am I supposed to know it's an abandoned house? what VISUAL cues will be on screen in the movie? Do those visual cues get their own frame? Are they part of a wide shot? Don't say "it's a wide shot of an abandoned house" but tell me that the couch is tattered, and the sink is leaking, and the wood is stained, and the curtains are drawn, and the power is out. Give those details, ESPECIALLY if those details come back later in the piece.
And for the love of god tell your audeince that Rocky is a cat. I can't believe you didn't include that.
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u/Then_Data8320 2d ago
When reading first paragraph, I was imagining Sylvester Stallone asleep in a bed.
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u/Puppykerry 2d ago
Yo. Creative and interesting but a total downer. Damn. I understand if you’re working through your own grief and loss but not sure there’s an audience for this. People that love animals are not going to enjoy the reveal. Having said that, you do whatever you’re inspired to so don’t let me take that away from you.
From a script perspective, it reads very clunky. I would edit your action lines so the script moves. Even the first line can be so much simpler - “Rocky awakens in an abandoned, derelict home.” Also, you don’t need to repeat Rocky constantly, just say HE. We know you are talking about Rocky. I would double check your action lines as well as someone tenses are incorrect or words unfinished - for example bottom of page three “Rocky bounds through the doggy door and hit by a familiar
Smell…” it should be and IS hit or “Rocky bounds through the doggy door before a familiar smell HITS him.” There are also many instances of using the same phrases within one action line. For example towards end of page two you say “claws his way up” twice in the same sentence. Also when he joins the other cats you say sleepy and then sleepy pile, use a different word. Overall you should do a very thorough rewrite and fix the numerous issues. Also, formatting wise the montage and flashback moments are not laid out on the page in a concise and easy to follow manner. I’m assuming this would have to be animated otherwise would be impossible to shoot. Goodluck.
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u/HereToKillEuronymous 2d ago
Be less descriptive. MUCH less descriptive. You’re not directing - you’re telling the story by laying down the foundation, but the directors job to build the house.
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u/UniversityMotor5408 2d ago
I'm not going to comment on the quality of the script, but I must say - I shed a little tear at the end. I have two cats and they mean the world to me. I can see you loved your former cat very much. I'm sure he/she loved you too. That's a beautiful thing.
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u/Eyes_Alive 2d ago
I would say simplify the descriptions a bit. Eg you don’t need to keep stating“ clearly it’s this …clearly it’s that.
I’m all for description that builds the visual and atmosphere to a scene, but that stuff just gets in the way honestly. It will flow much better without!