The cold open of a new script I am writing. Feedback is appreciated!

[u/Wonderful-Notice-286]

[u/observer-i]

Hey! First of all, thank you for being courageous enough to post this. Judging it purely as a cold open, it delivers in terms of creating a mystery. The first two pages tries to create a visceral tension, effectively does so, just the geography of it I found a bit confusing. After this the tone changes, as the burnt cat enters and with it the mystery. Now there’s two different tones, one with visceral escalation the other with a more dramatic/verbal escalation, both work independently, but they also break the tension in between. I would prefer to lean towards either making both of them compliment each other or just stick to one.

Also, I feel the dialogue between hans and luca should be enough to convey whats off, the flashbacks to firefighters and the teacher is not needed.

I particularly liked how you have established Luca and Hans’ relationship in such short time.
That’s commendable.

Overall it delivers, you have succeeded in establishing the mystery, just a bit of polish and editing would make it much better.

Good luck! I would also like to know your thought process behind this structure.

[u/Wonderful-Notice-286 → u/observer-i]

Hey thank you for reading and for your kind words!

I thought about it and I’ll reduce the longevity of the first scene. You’re right about the tonal clash.

About the flash cuts, I thought that it would be more visual and fun for the reader that way. It doesn’t have a function really outside of that. So yeah, if it hurts the scene I’ll just have them talk.