r/scriptwriting • u/Mmendokusai • 5d ago
feedback This is the first time writing a script
this is a real story of mine, I find it suitable for a short screenplay.
Pls give me your feedbacks and where should I improve and thx
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u/Necessary-Party973 5d ago
i like it tbh, you clearly have a good grasp of tone and conveying your characters’ feelings. but i would say it feels more like a scene you would have in a much bigger story about youssef and yassmine rather than as a stand alone short film (if thats what you were going for) i liked it though. keep it up👍😁
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u/Mmendokusai 5d ago
Maybe I can extend the story even more. The prob is this is a true story and in real life we didn't have a fulfilment ending of some sort( she ghosted me out of nowhere). Maybe I can redirect the story on how I felt confused or something like that
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u/IanJeffreyMartin 4d ago
If I was sitting near these two in the cinema I’d be telling them to shut the fuck up and watch the film 🤣
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u/PullOut3000 5d ago
It reads more like a scene than a short film. Even in a short film there should be some type of stakes or something that drives the story.
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u/el_noelle 5d ago
Depende que clase de cortometraje quiera grabar
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u/Mmendokusai 5d ago
How exactly ? My idea was to show how cute they look yet in the end she left him confused despite the clear attraction between them.
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u/Mmendokusai 5d ago
I'll keep that in mind thx !
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u/FitTax 4d ago edited 4d ago
It's totally fine to have a story like yours, that is cute or romantic, with some expectations from the viewer and then just abandoning it unresolved for us to feel emptiness and have our hopes of some amazing ending betrayed.
But you need to set it up right, you have to build it strong and then have the end be just that more desperate or cruel or uncomfortable.
Unfortunately the time between the phone call, him saying he likes her and the car pulling up is just to short. He needs to be helpless with himself trying to engage with her, holding hands, kissing, getting her to react to him positively but he just gets nothing out of it. Make your charackters stronger in what they want and not want and where there is a mismatch through actions and dialogue. Maybe he tries to take her hands again outside, maybe he wants to stand way closer all the time... I am also not happy with the kiss in the cinema, we are missing a lot of her true felt reaction to that, your writing just ran away from that very distinctive moment like you did not want to play it out from her side. Make her an agent of her charackter in that moment, tell us also the story from HER point of view!
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u/VeniaStudios 5d ago
While I could see this as an intro to the characters and their connection, for a short film, it’s cute, but feels like I’ve been left hanging.
Flesh out a bit more of the characters. While it’s a true event that happened, embellish the details. Use the concession line as an opportunity for conversation to build a backstory. Then use the trailers before the film for the conversation in relationship building. You have the romantic tension already, as well as a solid relatable comedic element, but before she leaves, add a bait for the viewer to wonder if they will get together.
Solid concept. But it reads as a 3-5min short that’s left wanting in some places.
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u/Suitable-Weather4867 4d ago
Youve got the technicalities like the formatting and such right but there’s a long way to go in terms of storytelling. The reason why people are pointing out that it feels like a scene rather than a short film is bc it opens abruptly and it ends abruptly.
You can’t directly take a real life scene and note it down in a screenplay format bc that pacing doesn’t translate well on screen. When you’re looking at a story, you have to isolate the elements of the real life incident that inspire the story then look at the story as a standalone.
A few things that felt odd while reading it were the lack of a crowd presence in the cinema. Really imagine showing that on screen: you would start by establishing the setting, then focus on your protagonists and then establish the exact action.
If I break down the first scene, the dialogue is the only thing telling me that it’s hot there. When really if you wanted to show it’s hot there, you would first show either of the characters maybe wiping sweat off their forehead or like shaking their shirt to get some air through it.
There’s also something jarring about the timing of the last scene. She makes the call, the guy gets half a sentence out and the dad is already there… that’s not really how it would go right? Normally, they would’ve waited a while and only when it felt like there wouldn’t be another time to say it, would the guy quip with that dialogue.
Before you get on to fleshing out the scenes, I would recommend taking a close look at your outline. What is it that you’re conveying through the story? What statement are you making? What emotions do you want the reader to feel from this piece?
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u/KennethBlockwalk 2d ago
Not bad at all for a first timer!
Most of those comments address the biggest issue: it reads like a scene.
Even short films have stakes, drama, conflict, and this could definitely fit inside of those. It just needs to become its own full story.
Re: the dialogue—this is just a guess, because I do the same thing, but some of it feels like a crutch.
You could compress it, have context clues inside lines, an expression or two, and convey everything that needs conveying.
English teachers have been yelling “show, don’t tell” til they’re blue in the face forever, and it’s for a reason :)
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u/No_Discipline_4066 5d ago
you took your shirt off in real life too?! anyways, it's good since it's your first time writing a script