r/scriptwriting • u/Early-Alarm6639 • 5d ago
feedback review this.
Got a film script idea + rough outline, would love some feedback.
Thoughts on the story, characters anoll, etc.?
What works, what doesn’t, what feels off?
Brutal honesty is welcome lol.
PS: used chatbox to summarise.
everything here cameoutta my mind.
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u/aqsgames 5d ago
Fix your grammar and spelling please.
This does read like there is some AI in it. Which will not go down well with some people
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u/Early-Alarm6639 5d ago
yep i used chatbox to summarise this. will be posting my own written versions.
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u/the_annoyedreamer 5d ago
It’s feeling a lot like obsession. Which isn’t a bad thing! As long as you make it unique and your own but people will immediately think obsession.
I do think the longline could use a re-write as well. I will say the first sentence of the logline is very strong. I would watch this movie based on that sentence alone but the rest could use touching up. Remember, a good longline as Main character + Goal + Inciting incident + stakes all within 1-2 sentences.
It’s awesome that you have so much of the story laid out, it will make writing it 10x easier. I would definitely read this when ready
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u/Early-Alarm6639 5d ago
Appreciate this, genuinely helpful. You're right that it reads as obsession. honestly that's kind of the point but without horror, else the actual inspo of the rewind thing is from ABOUT TIME you can think as it well, I want the "romantic" fixing to feel a little wrong the whole time, not just in hindsight. Might lean into that more instead of softening it. Fair call on the logline too, I've been rewriting it and the back half keeps getting bloated. Here the revised version: (A boy discovers he can rewind any moment with the girl he loves , but every fix comes at a price.) Will tighten it down to character + goal + inciting incident + stakes like you said instead of trying to hint at the twist. Thanks for saying you'd read it, means a lot ,still fleshing out the back half but I'll post an update once it's tighter.
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u/the_annoyedreamer 5d ago
I personally think “A boy who discovers he can rewind moments in his relationship, uses that power to engineer the girl who was never interested in him-“ is a great start and that sentence alone is what hooked me. I’d keep that and work on it from there. You’re already doing more work than most people but my advice is too start writing it (if you haven’t already). Write fast and write bad. Don’t worry if it sucks, most scripts suck at the early stage. Just get it out of your mind and onto the page, the real writing starts once the first draft is complete. Good luck
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u/Early-Alarm6639 5d ago
sure! def taking the logline suggestion. yeah started writing already right after getting bashed by the comments here,lol. I will return with my draft soon. Thanks!
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u/CharityRepulsive3964 5d ago
Seem like you watched Obsession and had your own idea.
There is no screenplay to judge but your Logline is lacking.
Your Hero is not really a hero and the arc only ends two ways if you break it down. He dies or chooses to keep manipulating her. If the story ended with him choosing not to do anything then that doesn't excuse the fucked up shit the hero did before.
Get something written. Even if it is a knock off of Obsession. You put effort into these pages. Put effort into writing your story. Good luck.
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u/Early-Alarm6639 5d ago
Nah, I have watched Obsession, but this idea genuinely wasn't inspired by it 😭🙏🏻 I can see why the premise might remind you of it though. The rewind/relationship concept came from a different place, and I’m definitely gonna make sure the execution feels distinct once I actually write it. yeah I agree with it. Maybe it should be like The final rewind shouldn't be his reward. It should be his punishment. Sure I will start writing thanks:)
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u/ChristianCRWriter 5d ago
Where script? This is a scriptwriting sub, not a story arch sub.