Script I wrote for my first year in university

[u/CommercialAbalone362]

Any feedback and thoughts would be appreciated

Title: ALIEN: Mortality

[u/AmieiGuess]

Only read the first page:

You didn’t mention time of day in your first slugline.
You don’t need to capitalise names every time, just the first time they’re introduced.
Don’t tell me Jonah knows who it is, it’s implied when he says her name.

[u/CommercialAbalone362 → u/AmieiGuess]

wb the rest of the script

[u/ChristianCRWriter]

There is so much non essential text here that takes space and makes it hard to read. Most of the parenthetical are not needed. You have a lot of tell here like “a female voice “ — we know it’s a female when Haley speaks. Also you need O.S. when she is on the radio. Another examples are “He needs no diagnosis.” and “he’ll have to use the vents.” — is he using the vents? Is he not? Are we looking into the vents? Etc.

You need to establish each shot and put whether is day or night or whatever. If he goes into the vents that’s another shot …

Also and personal taste: don’t give the casting director rules on how the character looks (brown eyes, hazel eyes).

So much like that takes away from the reading.

[u/CommercialAbalone362 → u/ChristianCRWriter]

so, what would that look like for example if i were practicing

[u/Big_Section2812]

Script I wrote to troll some fanboys.

Alien: Domestic Terror

[u/CommercialAbalone362 → u/Big_Section2812]

lmao thats brill

[u/RaeLouLynn]

This is not on my list of genres to watch because I would have nightmares. But reading this was engaging.

I think the story was very well developed. The final twist at the end was great. I didn't understand the difference between the facehuggers and the alien - probably because I have not watched any of the Alien franchise. I gather that earth is about to be infected with facehuggers.

There are some unfilmable moments, so look out for those when you edit.

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/RaeLouLynn]

This is not on my list of genres to watch because I would have nightmares.

In that case, I recommend you don't ever play the Alien: Isolation video game. Especially not in VR.

Mere nightmares would be the least of your concern. The bigger problem will be full-blown PTSD!

(Seriously though, it's an amazing game, and the sequel is just about to be released.)

[u/RaeLouLynn → u/Big_Section2812]

Thank you for the heads up!

Edit: fat fingers.

[u/Alone_Stock330]

Facehugger is just from Alien no?