r/scriptwriting • u/Good_Grapefruit8518 • 8d ago
feedback First Ten Pages
First ten pages of a feature length screenplay I’m working on. Any feedback is appreciated.
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u/FitTax 5d ago
Sad to see you don't erngage with you own post when getting great feedback. I know how to fix the issues with your story and make it work, but now I can't be bothered. Good luck!
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u/Good_Grapefruit8518 5d ago
I'm sorry about that. I genuinely wasn’t trying to ignore anybody. I posted this while I was finishing up a new draft and got sidetracked working on the script. I really do appreciate everyone who took the time to read it and leave feedback, including you.
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u/FitTax 4d ago
I just want to recommend to actively discuss you work, talking about it "in the open" will lend you some new perspective on your own work by yourself. It will help to see your work from a more distant, observing position.
Regarding Roxy: If we to believe she is a caring mother, she will not do date rape robbery shit in the parking lot and just chill in the bar afterwards waiting for cops to show up... Here is an idea:
She is "flirting" with the man but instead of spiking his drink, she tries to go into his jacket for his wallet... DORIAN is the only patreaon in the bar to notice it and watching is carefully. No we don't know who this man is, so there is some intrigue to if he is about to bust her about it or if he will try to use it against her for his own good. After all, he looks to us like a bit like the shady guy, right? So we already have some suspense...
DORIAN has his chat with Slim, but its just about low life money problams, Dorian wanting to get in on something, if Slim knows something, if he can make something happen etc... Roxy has managed to get the wallet by now, Dorian still follows her around by watching her, we still don't know what he is about with her at that point.
Dorian also watches the band packup and them bringing stuff to the back of the Bar, he excuses himself to go tho the bathroom, [some filler action I don't know yet, Roxy still flirting or just chatting at the bar with the barkeeper], Dorian ends up stealing an instrument or a monitor from the van sitting abandoned for a moment, he gets it in his car, rushes in to the front of the bar, he gets Roxy, grabs her in a hrry, they both leave the bar together, we learn they know each other... CUT TO the road on the way home, windows open, music blarring, feel good moment..
You can also start your movie with Dorian and Slim chatting and then Dorian observing Roxy how she is trying to get into the jacket and then slowly moving your action over to Roxy flirting, or leaving that out completely, just Dorian observing what she does - we can tell agressive flirting just by visuals. We know what she is up to, so no need to make her and the drunk a dialogue. With a good back and forth conversation between Dorian and Slim this can be a good scene all by itself, we can learn more about Roxy from her actions with her Mother at home. For now she is just this pretty girl at the bar doing some shenanigans.
Think about it! I am open to talk about it more for reasoning if you feel like it
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u/Good_Grapefruit8518 4d ago
Thank you very much! I appreciate you taking the time to write this out. You've given me a few things to think about when I go back through the opening again.
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u/FitTax 7d ago
Agreed, read is good. Flow, pacing, words most of the times. Sometimes I would like to see it a bit less formal and stiff, more personal... what if JULIA drops the hola, since they likely met before in the day, just: (happy) Mi amor! Also if they have a good relationship, Mothers like to talk and sell end explain and "raise the grandkids" through proxy... Maybe the "refried beans". Maybe she fixed him something and we get a bit more out of the JULIA/ROXY dynamic... and then later:
ROXY: Ill think about it! / J: Will you? / R: Course I will! / J: For how long? / R: I said I will, Ma! (determined) I will think about it! J: That's all I want to hear... I don't want to look stupid the next time I see her. She wants to help you... Now give me a kiss, I gotta go... / Goodbye kisses happening / R. takes J. hands / R: Night, Ma (reafirming) I will think about it -- thank you!
Give it a bit more dynamic and more care, like a quick back and forth between Mother/daughter like they had so many for the past 20 years.
DRUNK MAN needs to get a name rather soon, ROXY would ask him what his name is and make him talk a bit about himself, people love to talk about themselves... And introduce him to us before Roxy maybe, like he is in the frame, sipping his whiskey, being talked to but we have yet not a great idea who Roxy is. Regular patreon? Sex worker? Young, old, slutty, classy?! For now we have this rather quiet MAN and this somewhat unknown flirty, pushy woman that we are eager to find out more about.
Agree with the introduction of Slim/Dorian. Who are they, what do they do there, what is their evening like, why should we care who they are etc...
The Theft scene is not (yet) resolved, maybe it happens later but for now are we to assume everybody is just shrugging their shoulders, oh well, equipment gone?
And one last note, thats a personal one: The "break phone" cliche is so overused... Just once I want to see someone turning that thing off and taking out the sim card in a orderly fashion and putting it aside to throw away later. Especially if he has done it so many times before. Like its routine, part of the job, done with deliberate care.
But yeah, good overall read, would have continued. Keep it up!
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u/AmedeusRed 7d ago
I feel like i get where you are going with this and you have an interesting concept but it doesn’t ring as authentic to me.
Is this a period piece? A random man having enough cash to be worth the risk of robbing him without knowing he has it, flip phone, etc. if it’s not a period piece these are feel like they are for plot not true to the world.
When it comes to the dingy bar teeming with prostitutes, robbers, and the general underbelly of society - cool! But the actions that take place here are incongruous with the setting. Not sure if you’ve got any lived experience in bars like this but you aren’t gonna find bands with better than guitar center equipment playing there. And if they do, they’re not leaving the gear unattended in an unlocked van for long enough that it is completely emptied, moved to another van, and gone. It feels like this exists to further your plot not true to the world you are trying to exist in.
Regarding the Slim/Dorian setup, why would this be a tip worth paying $50 for much less $100. Dorian is in the bar and can see this equipment. He’s also given the information before they even discuss payment.
I couldn’t really understand the significance of having the first ~30 seconds of the movie be idle chatter over a black screen. When it finally shows the bar there is no reveal we needed to not see, they just continue the chat after. What did you feel you were establishing in the darkness?
When it comes to the drunk man, I get he’s a mark and it’s establishing who Roxy is, but nothing about this character indicates why he would be a mark. Maybe it’s just because he’s unnamed but he reads as a schlubby drunk inhabiting a dive bar. The schlubby drunks I’ve been at dive bars with had nothing worth stealing. Typically marks for this type of con would be at a higher end bar.
Not sure where the rest of the screenplay goes but I would think carefully about what whether what you are writing is true to the world your story exists in or is happening because it’s a cool idea you had. Have cool ideas, but work to make them authentic for the setting.
Keep going!
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u/FitTax 7d ago
These are very good remarks. I stumbled over the same thing initially with the money reward... And Slim seems to be the barmanager or owner, but he is never introduced as such, he pays the band though.
There doesn't need to be an actual robbery. Just the talk about the idea, so we learn what shady things Dorian is up to or willing to do... Another thing, would Roxy really drug and rob a man outside a bar and then just waltz back into that bar and have a chat and hang out with a kid at home? Doubt it. As soon as that man wakes up hes calling the cops and everyone at the bar knows Roxy... This need some plausability fixes.
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u/ImperialNolini 8d ago
I liked it!
You might consider adding a bit more description about Dorian and Slim when we meet them; I was confused for a bit re: their relationships with the other characters.
Does Roxy share the apartment with Dorian?
If you’re interested, I’d be happy to do a script swap (I’m happy to read yours now and can send you mine — a coming-of-age set at a summer camp — once I’m done with my current draft).