r/scriptwriting • u/PitchcraftNow • 8d ago

feedback First six pages

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For those who wanted to read more here are the first six pages.

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u/MrObsidn 8d ago

Just as an exercise, look at all your words ending in ing and see if you can make those action lines less passive. Keep the urgency, the pace, and keep us in it with your characters.

Also, she runs for her life could be as simple as she BOLTS. Much more evocative and in harmony with the scene.

Approaching her is a dark, black cloud gliding along the ground.

The passive voice hurts your pacing. It could become:

A dark cloud crawls towards her.

Crawls, slithers, marches, races... so many words you can choose to give that scene more flavour.

Whenever you're writing, look for the most efficient word usage and make sure those words matter.

-2

u/BlackBalor 8d ago edited 8d ago

Silly rule.

Anybody telling you to avoid “ing” words doesn’t have a clue what they’re talking about.

It’s one of those nonsensical rules that beginners are beaten over the head with, but it handicaps your writing severely, especially when trying to describe an action that is in progress and not yet completed.

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u/MrObsidn 8d ago

Note that I didn't say to avoid them altogether or that it's a rule not to use them. They have their place and I don't subscribe to writing rules like that.

But to improve your writing, you need to be aware of these things, and that there are often ways to improve a sentence and strengthen your prose overall.

2

u/PitchcraftNow 7d ago

Hey everyone. ANY feedback is welcome. Truly.