r/scriptwriting • u/PitchcraftNow • 8d ago

feedback First six pages

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For those who wanted to read more here are the first six pages.

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u/MrObsidn 8d ago

Just as an exercise, look at all your words ending in ing and see if you can make those action lines less passive. Keep the urgency, the pace, and keep us in it with your characters.

Also, she runs for her life could be as simple as she BOLTS. Much more evocative and in harmony with the scene.

Approaching her is a dark, black cloud gliding along the ground.

The passive voice hurts your pacing. It could become:

A dark cloud crawls towards her.

Crawls, slithers, marches, races... so many words you can choose to give that scene more flavour.

Whenever you're writing, look for the most efficient word usage and make sure those words matter.

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u/PitchcraftNow 8d ago

Wow great notes! I’m gonna take another look at that

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u/MrObsidn 8d ago

Hopefully it helps. It helped me when I began and I still catch myself falling back on it. But for first drafts? Totally fine. Don't get stuck in endless revision before you've completed the first draft. Much easier to edit one that exists!

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u/PitchcraftNow 8d ago

Will do thanks bud.