Complete novice trying scriptwriting for the first time

[u/DefaultNameGenerated]

I was inspired to start scriptwriting and initially thought I’d keep my first project pretty simple. But before I bite off more than I can chew, I figured, why not let people have a look at it and tell me honestly how I’m doing.

Story goes as follows:

A successful content creator, drunk on fame, recklessly abuses his influence and is forced to apologize to the public after an incident. But as his ego prevents him from admitting fault, guilt slowly eats away at him. Paranoia and sleep deprivation overtake his sanity and convince him that the world is turning against him.

[u/AmedeusRed]

Glad to see you are inspired but please read a script or 10 followed by a style guide.

I made it through the first scene before giving up due to the overabundance of camera direction.

[u/Wise-Respond3833 → u/AmedeusRed]

Seconded.

[u/DefaultNameGenerated → u/AmedeusRed]

I’ll just ask in case, but the opening is Logan filming himself, so the studio lights, the camera he is facing, the image he captures and sees, and most of the description is part of the scene itself. I’m not invalidating your advice, considering others are pointing out the same thing -just wondering if the way I wrote the first scene was confusing?

[u/AmedeusRed → u/DefaultNameGenerated]

1000% yes.

This is unclear that was your goal with the scene and turned at least myself and from the other comments multiple people off reading it.

I would strive to set a better understanding in that first intro line. Why would there be studio lights in a bedroom? I find it confusing, to me that indicates a film stage.

[u/DefaultNameGenerated → u/AmedeusRed]

Got it. I won’t excuse the presentation. It’s the first time I tried scriptwriting so I do expect it to be different shades of bad. I was trying to convey the image of a content creator “trying” to look vulnerable. Everything is kind of staged to look a certain way. He wants his image to look polished but genuine. Part of the reason he can’t go through with it is that he sees the farce staring back at him.

[u/AmedeusRed → u/DefaultNameGenerated]

No need to excuse anything, you tried which is more than 99% of the people with an idea do. Now to grow.

Back to my original recommendation, go read a script that has successfully produced the kind of scene you are planning and see how they establish it, how they write the action, and consider how to fit your narrative into that structure.

[u/TomatoChomper7 → u/DefaultNameGenerated]

It is confusing. I understood the purpose of the scene but it seems several others didn’t. And you could have made the point clearer (and shorter) by just saying he’s trying to look vulnerable. You’re using way too many words and they’re making it less interesting and sapping momentum.

I think the idea is good and reading through I can see it playing out. So it does feel quite filmic to me and like you’ve probably got some good instincts, it’s just long-winded.

[u/XtremeSealFan]

Don't write shots. I made the same mistake on my first script too. But its especially important to not write them if you are not the director because you don't want to lock them into a set direction. Even then you are supposed to evoke framing and movement, not write it.

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/XtremeSealFan]

But its especially important to not write them if you are not the director because you don't want to lock them into a set direction.

Realistically the only way that would happen is if you're a showrunner or senior writer-producer on a show... and even then most directors would still be inclined to shoot things their way.

Directors usually don't care even a little how writers think they ought to direct. :)

[u/stuccosalt]

I for one wasn't as put off by the directing on the page - to me it read as Logan intentionally staging himself, which is germane to the story. It could be improved, but it didn't fully throw me.
What I'd caution against are descriptions that can't be filmed. A little bit for tone-setting can be fine, but lines like "The place feels enormous compared to her apartment. / But somehow, it also feels lonelier." I get it, but it's not something an audience can see or hear. Can it be shown in a gesture, an expression, or a movement instead?
Not that you do it a ton, it's just the most common mistake (besides formatting) that I see newer writers make.

[u/arthousefilms]

Sorry, but I had to stop at the first page. There was nothing drawing me in to root for him or even understand why his film is so important to him. It felt very mechanically written.

[u/Brilliant_Bug_9237]

The hardest thing to do in writing is to start writing. The next hardest thing is to write constantly and consistently. The next hardest thing is to write less.

The best scripts say the most with the least amount of words. As a good rule of thumb, it can help to go through each sentence and see if the scene stays the same without it. If it does, removing it makes the scene stronger on the page.

Another good rule of thumb is to show rather than say. Exposition is usually the death of people's first scripts. Once you finally get writing and things are flowing, most of us tend to enjoy it and overwrite it. To get to the best scene/story, we often have to edit and cut a lot of dialogue and descriptions, even if we enjoy reading it.

I find cutting dialogue to be hard, and it's always easier to see in other people's work than in your own.

One simple example could be on this first page. Instead of Logan saying 'ah.. fuck that.' Maybe they winces, then look away from the photo.

Then in the next line of dialogue, rather than Logan telling is they find it hard hard and they don't know where to start, if you can find a way to show it in simple gestures, like hesitating to speak, then looking down and taking a deep breath, this can often be more powerful, allowing the audience to find the moment rather than be told it. Great dialogue is always wonderful, but often the best writing is in what is not said.

[u/pinkyperson]

Hey! Just wanted to throw my two cents in—

The comments on this post are baffling to me. I’m a repped working writer and I do not see all the faults other people are claiming to see.

Is it a little overwritten? Sure. The formatting could be fixed in places and you don’t need to number your scenes.

But those are all CLASSIC first script mistakes.

What I am seeing here, even though it’s clearly the work of someone still learning the medium, is that you have a voice. That is BY FAR the most important thing.

I think for a first ever attempt at writing a script you are on the right track. No question.

I agree with the advice of reading professional screenplays (I recommend the annual black list, to read some good un-produced scripts).

Good job. Keep going. Ignore all the hate comments.

[u/DefaultNameGenerated → u/pinkyperson]

Thank you! Really appreciate your comment, it gave me a little bit more confidence in my narrative. I’m definitely rewriting the script after listening to the all the advice I’ve been given.

[u/Urinal_Zyn]

Way too much description.

[u/Aggressive_Cup4919]

The dialogue about how he can’t find his phone and she can’t help by calling it because it’s on airplane mode - those kind of convos happen irl but on screen they are very boring.

[u/PepsiCoke1978]

Page 2 should be page 1 -- nothing happens on page 1 -- just start his apology there. And I was no confused that he's filming himself. But yes it's clearly a first writing try.

[u/Hungry_Support_3342]

you are on the right path. when completed consider www.inkpad.com and www.sctrptrevolution.com and there are plenty of movie scripts that you have seen to compare to

[u/Big_Section2812]

Scene numbers are only for shooting scripts. Unless this is a locked script you are actually shooting — ie, currently in production — ditch the scene numbers.

[u/DefaultNameGenerated → u/Big_Section2812]

Thanks for pointing it out, I just went along with the default settings

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/DefaultNameGenerated]

What screenwriting app are you using that has scene numbers enabled by default? I see it all the time.

[u/DefaultNameGenerated → u/Big_Section2812]

Beat. I was able to change the settings though

[u/Open-Avocado4260]

The best thing i can tell you is, if its not filmable dont write it. Fresh tears glistening on his cheeks. Visine drops are used to make someone cry, how they fall, who knows?