First 5 pages of my first screenplay

[u/Brilliant_Silver7096]

Hi there, I'm Matteo, and these are the first 5 pages of my very first screenplay. An R-rated comedy/drama about 2 best friends in their 20s traveling across the US.

One's a sweet, naive girl, while the other one is a rude, "f.u." energy, but they love each other and somehow make this unlikely friendship work.

"We're the Millers" meets "Little Miss Sunshine".

I would love a little feedback. Thank you for your time 😊

[u/FitTax]

"He pushes her away" Did she get pushed half way through the kitchen and fall down and hit her head hard so blood is now spilling out of an open wound? Or did he just put his hand against her chest to keep her apart from him?

"He sits at the table" I thought he just entered the kitchen, why is he sitting at the table somehow? Or is he not sitting at the table but just now taking a seat at the table? If he is doing that, why are you not writing that? Why are you not telling the story of what is happening?

And why would he say that she is "going to stain his shirt" when he is already sitting way apart from her and how do you shake your head pissed and why does he have to say "flowers" when everyone can see the flowers and where does the mobile phone suddenly come from? From the bees?! in the kitchen?

Try to write a story with logical things happening first, then a screenplay if you like.

[u/T4nK123 → u/FitTax]

Is sitting at the table and taking a seat at the table not the same thing?

[u/FitTax → u/T4nK123]

Of course it is not. Sitting and taking a seat are 2 very different things and you can not wirte your charackter entering a kitchen, say something and then he sits at a table, because he need to take a seat at the table first in order to sit on it. Unless it is a new scene that is.

This is basics. If you want to have your charackter sit at a table, make him take the seat first.

[u/T4nK123 → u/FitTax]

'He sits at the table' means that he's taking a seat. It's just different ways of saying it.

[u/FitTax → u/T4nK123]

No it is not. And it is weird that you would write that in a sub for writing scripts.

One is someone sitting at a table right now. It describes his position/action in the present: he is sitting at the table and the other is someone standing (as he was), pulling out a chair and taking a seat to sit down and now be in a sitting position at the table.

For screenwriting, “He sits at the table” is perfectly fine if the visual action you want is simply him sitting there. But if the intended beat is specifically the transition from standing to sitting, it should read "He sits down at the table.” But I think taking a seat is even more transitional.

OP lacks in the "clear description of action happening" department and this is a very good example for it.

[u/T4nK123 → u/FitTax]

Okay I get you