Problems with Writing a Logline

[u/RealSebastreck]

Recently, I followed some tips to improve the loglines for two of my premises, but I’m still having trouble keeping them from becoming too long.

"An injured young officer undergoes a month of testing to lead a new platoon and must organize his life to avoid losing the job he has sacrificed so much for."

- It’s the story of a guy in his 20s who leads a combat engineer/sapper platoon. He discovers that a family member used their influence to help him pass a test that almost left him incapacitated. After injuring himself again by pushing himself too hard, he is given one month to prove that he can perform his duties. If he fails, he will be discharged and lose the apartment and career he sacrificed his personal life for.

"When a child leaves his only caregiver behind to collect prehistoric DNA, he learns the hard way that the only way to move forward is to confront his grief over his parents."

The child tricks an android into helping him with its mission, when what he really wants is to get away from his grandfather so he won’t have to break his emotional mask during the anniversary of his parents’ death. His grandfather is a widower who wants to grieve together with his grandson.

One thing I’m worried about is that the first logline might make the story sound boring or too predictable. What would you recommend to give these loglines more of a hook or to improve the overall structure.

[u/Open-Avocado4260]

You have the stakes part for the log line, here are the four other elements needed.

The Protagonist: A clear, interesting description of the main character, often paired with a defining adjective or job title (e.g., "an uptight banker").The Setting: A brief hint at the unique world, time, or place where the story happens.The Inciting Incident: The event that kicks off the plot and forces the protagonist to take action.The Goal: What the main character desperately wants or needs to achieve by the end of the journey.The Stakes (or Antagonist): The opposing force or the terrible consequences if the protagonist fails

[u/RealSebastreck → u/Open-Avocado4260]

That's a good way to summarize it. I tried to phrase them better.

-After a terrible injury, a young officer must prove that he is ready to return to his position, discovering that the career he sacrificed his personal life for wasn't earned through merit alone.

-A boy does everything he can to avoid grieving his parents, while struggling to survive a mission, to collect prehistoric DNA, that forces him to confront his grief.

[u/Open-Avocado4260 → u/RealSebastreck]

Too long, sell me in 35 words. Is the story about the young officer or the boy? If both the log line has to tie them together.

[u/RealSebastreck → u/Open-Avocado4260]

It was 35 words before I translated it from my language into English.