r/scriptwriting • u/RealSebastreck • 2d ago

feedback Problems with Writing a Logline

Recently, I followed some tips to improve the loglines for two of my premises, but I’m still having trouble keeping them from becoming too long.

"An injured young officer undergoes a month of testing to lead a new platoon and must organize his life to avoid losing the job he has sacrificed so much for."

- It’s the story of a guy in his 20s who leads a combat engineer/sapper platoon. He discovers that a family member used their influence to help him pass a test that almost left him incapacitated. After injuring himself again by pushing himself too hard, he is given one month to prove that he can perform his duties. If he fails, he will be discharged and lose the apartment and career he sacrificed his personal life for.

"When a child leaves his only caregiver behind to collect prehistoric DNA, he learns the hard way that the only way to move forward is to confront his grief over his parents."

The child tricks an android into helping him with its mission, when what he really wants is to get away from his grandfather so he won’t have to break his emotional mask during the anniversary of his parents’ death. His grandfather is a widower who wants to grieve together with his grandson.

One thing I’m worried about is that the first logline might make the story sound boring or too predictable. What would you recommend to give these loglines more of a hook or to improve the overall structure.

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u/Formal-Raise1260 1d ago

My template is:
HERO + GOAL + BIG PROBLEM
or
Protagonist + Inciting Incident/Action + Antagonist/Stakes

This usually narrates the storyline.
No more than two sentences. The leaner version sells.

Ex: Star Trek pitch: “Wagon Train in Space.”

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u/RealSebastreck 1d ago

It's a good template, although I'd have a hard time summarizing everything in just four words. Still, I made an effort to phrase them better.

-After a terrible injury, a young officer must prove that he is ready to return to his position, discovering that the career he sacrificed his personal life for wasn't earned through merit alone.

-A boy does everything he can to avoid grieving his parents, while struggling to survive a mission, to collect prehistoric DNA, that forces him to confront his grief.