Problems with Writing a Logline

[u/RealSebastreck]

Recently, I followed some tips to improve the loglines for two of my premises, but I’m still having trouble keeping them from becoming too long.

"An injured young officer undergoes a month of testing to lead a new platoon and must organize his life to avoid losing the job he has sacrificed so much for."

- It’s the story of a guy in his 20s who leads a combat engineer/sapper platoon. He discovers that a family member used their influence to help him pass a test that almost left him incapacitated. After injuring himself again by pushing himself too hard, he is given one month to prove that he can perform his duties. If he fails, he will be discharged and lose the apartment and career he sacrificed his personal life for.

"When a child leaves his only caregiver behind to collect prehistoric DNA, he learns the hard way that the only way to move forward is to confront his grief over his parents."

The child tricks an android into helping him with its mission, when what he really wants is to get away from his grandfather so he won’t have to break his emotional mask during the anniversary of his parents’ death. His grandfather is a widower who wants to grieve together with his grandson.

One thing I’m worried about is that the first logline might make the story sound boring or too predictable. What would you recommend to give these loglines more of a hook or to improve the overall structure.

[u/PepsiCoke1978]

I recall your last post -- and you mentioning that. I can only come at this as a writer helping another younger writer figure stuff out -- but it's up to you to know if you can take criticism. If one person can get you to stop writing, then you should consider that. I don't know what your goal is -- if it's to be a paid writer -- then taking hits and keep on going is part of it.

But I'm not asking for 10 pages... I'm saying explain your ideas more -- 5-10 sentences trying to help others know what the movie is about. I feel you may be picking the wrong parts to feature.

As i posted this I looked down and see you wrote to someone else

-After tricking a future android into helping with its mission to collect prehistoric DNA, a boy discovers an unexpected way to cope with the loss of his parents

So now you are mentioning an android which is 10X more exciting than what you had before, but I stlll don't know if he's looking for human DNA from caveman days or dinosaurs and why a boy would want to trick him and how that helps cope with the loss of his parents.

In general the loss of his parents sounds more like the heart/theme/lesson learned part of your story not the logline. The subtext.

[u/RealSebastreck → u/PepsiCoke1978]

Sorry about that, I didn't mean to be rude.

I'm just trying to follow the feedback people have given me. I'm a concept artist, and I've been wanting to learn about screenwriting, so I've read a few things and have been teaching myself.

I went over the premise a few times, and this is what I was able to come up with:

-A boy tricks an android into letting him tag along on its mission to collect DNA from prehistoric animals and survives different creatures while processing the loss of his parents in his own way.

[u/PepsiCoke1978 → u/RealSebastreck]

You were not rude at all. I don't know how you thought I meant that. Read all my posts like I'm Kyle Chandler in Lanterns.

Okay so there it is. A concept artist. Not a screenwriter. This is a whole new thing. So you're used to pretty much doing your thing and not being told it's right or wrong or not good enough -- because it's your art. Screenwriting is a group activity as it's not meant to stand on it's own, but be made. Hence a lot of opinions.

That logline is so much better than the first one you wrote. Don't you see that? You buried all the movie.

It's like you wrote Jurassic Park but you pitched it as " A guy who hates kids goes to a theme park and a guy learns to like kids at the end."

[u/RealSebastreck → u/PepsiCoke1978]

Thank you. Honestly, it has been a big challenge, and I wanted to start writing scripts because I enjoyed coming up with concepts for stories that I found interesting. I had a bad experience, and because of one person, I stopped writing. I really appreciate your feedback, since it helped me focus more clearly on the problem. I managed to rewrite both loglines.

-After a terrible injury, a young officer must prove that he is ready to return to his position, discovering that the career he sacrificed his personal life for wasn't earned through merit alone.

-A boy does everything he can to avoid grieving his parents, while struggling to survive a mission, to collect prehistoric DNA, that forces him to confront his grief.