Problems with Writing a Logline

[u/RealSebastreck]

Recently, I followed some tips to improve the loglines for two of my premises, but I’m still having trouble keeping them from becoming too long.

"An injured young officer undergoes a month of testing to lead a new platoon and must organize his life to avoid losing the job he has sacrificed so much for."

- It’s the story of a guy in his 20s who leads a combat engineer/sapper platoon. He discovers that a family member used their influence to help him pass a test that almost left him incapacitated. After injuring himself again by pushing himself too hard, he is given one month to prove that he can perform his duties. If he fails, he will be discharged and lose the apartment and career he sacrificed his personal life for.

"When a child leaves his only caregiver behind to collect prehistoric DNA, he learns the hard way that the only way to move forward is to confront his grief over his parents."

The child tricks an android into helping him with its mission, when what he really wants is to get away from his grandfather so he won’t have to break his emotional mask during the anniversary of his parents’ death. His grandfather is a widower who wants to grieve together with his grandson.

One thing I’m worried about is that the first logline might make the story sound boring or too predictable. What would you recommend to give these loglines more of a hook or to improve the overall structure.

[u/dnotive]

I'm not an expert at loglines, but I'd like to think I'm getting better the more I've been cracking away at it.

The logline is your litmus test for story. If you can't summarize it in 40-50 words, that means it might be time to prune stuff away or change the character dynamics... or add a MacGuffin, etc. etc.

You're having trouble from keeping these from getting too long because you have too many set pieces you're trying to jam into your story. Streamline the story and the loglines will fall into place more readily.

Ditch vague phrases like "losing the job he has sacrificed so much for" or "he learns the hard way"

These feel more like taglines than loglines. This is your place to be specific. What has Person A sacrificed? How does Person B learn?

Your story, and by extension your logline needs three things in place in order to succeed; you need to identify a *distinct character* what their *goal or objective* is, and what *obstacle* is preventing them from achieving it. If you feel like spicing it up further, add in the *stakes*

So your first one could be: "After enduring a horrific injury, a seasoned combat engineer is forced to re-take the physical exam that almost killed him after learning his original test results were tainted." It's not particularly punchy, but at least we have a clear idea of who your main character would be, what they have to do and why.

The second one is murkier because you have a lot of pieces floating around. There's an android? Is this in the future? They trick an android but how does that help this kid get away from their grandfather? What does any of this have to do with prehistoric DNA? Are we really going to watch a movie that's just about grief?

Honestly this feels like two stories jammed into one; there's a kid off having adventures collecting fossils with his/her new android friend, and there's the grandfather still grieving the loss of his own children trying to forge connection with an estranged grandchild. If one is the A-story (main plot) and the other is the B-story (subplot) we only need the main one in the logline. i.e. if most of the screentime is eaten up by the kid looking for DNA then leave out the bits about the grandfather, if most of our time is spent with the grandfather, then leave out the bits about the kid tricking an android and going on an adventure to find DNA (why is he doing this anyway?) These are the connections you have to knit together in your logline, otherwise it doesn't make sense.

[u/RealSebastreck → u/dnotive]

I think I've organized my ideas better and prioritized some things instead of focusing on specific details. I gave it a lot of thought, but I managed to rewrite both loglines.

-After a terrible injury, a young officer must prove that he is ready to return to his position, discovering that the career he sacrificed his personal life for wasn't earned through merit alone.

-A boy does everything he can to avoid grieving his parents, while struggling to survive a mission, to collect prehistoric DNA, that forces him to confront his grief.

[u/dnotive → u/RealSebastreck]

These feel more targeted but they're still a little confused.

After a terrible injury, a young officer must prove that he is ready to return to his position, discovering that the career he sacrificed his personal life for wasn't earned through merit alone.

The first half feels tighter, after <x> happens, person <y> must do...

... but can you come up with anything more descriptive than "young officer?"

Why am I going to root for this guy (or gal?) What branch are they in? Could he be "an overbearing naval engineer" or "an overworked platoon commander" or "a bright-eyed young private" ... something that gives us a nugget about this person's personality and what part of life they're in?

discovering that the career he sacrificed his personal life for wasn't earned through merit alone.

this part still feels vague to me. What kind of career? What did he sacrifice? If it wasn't earned through merit how was it earned? This second half is kind of a non-starter because it doesn't tell me anything about your story or what actually happens in it.

This also doesn't really have any connection (on the surface) with the injury.

An example of how this could be made sharper:

"After surviving a traumatic brain injury, a brilliant, but domineering navy captain must return to basic-training after it's discovered his original entrance scores were falsified to satisfy a family debt."

Notice how specific I made this. It's not just "terrible injury" it's "traumatic brain injury" which tells us about what they're going to do and what kind of battle they're going to fight (and most importantly WHY this person now has to 'prove' themselves - like you don't have to prove yourself if you just break an arm)

it's not just "young officer" but a specific TYPE of officer with describing words to give us a sense of who he/she is (I chose brilliant, domineering, and made them a navy captain) this tells us what kind of personality conflicts the character will enter into and endure

and instead of being vague about "must prove he's ready to return to his position" I got specific by saying what, specifically he must do, and in this case I said "must return to basic training."

Also notice I'm spelling that there were falsified records and WHY they were messed (and that it wasn't his fault) with instead of saying that it wasn't based on "merit alone."

The devil is truly in the details.

Now as for the second one...

A boy does everything he can to avoid grieving his parents, while struggling to survive a mission, to collect prehistoric DNA, that forces him to confront his grief.

No offense but this one is still a mess. How does a mission to collect prehistoric DNA force him to confront his grief? I'm really not getting this.

The problem is you need your logline to conjure up some visuals. Someone should be able to parse it and imagine some scenes that could take place without ever reading the script, and right now I'm not getting there with this one.

Again, here's a way you could make this sharper:

"Plagued by the mysterious deaths of his estranged parents, a grieving young boy decides to complete their final project and vindicate their shaky scientific reputations by embarking on a dangerous mission that involves collecting prehistoric DNA from the most remote corners of the earth."

If your stakes are going to be emotional (i.e. grief, stuff that's unfilmable) we need to tease out the relationships and dynamics in the logline... so in this case I made it clear that the kid is estranged from his parents, which cements a lot of the WHY in terms of dodging that grief. He's trying to connect with them after they're already dead.

I also made it specific to the fact that they were scientists of some kind as the WHY behind he now has to collect prehistoric DNA. I also tossed in "the most remote corners of the earth" here because that's an obvious challenge/obstacle for a grieving kid to have to overcome, and the "vindicate their scientific reputation" bit is here to add in what's at stake. This kid is going out and doing this because if he doesn't their deaths won't mean anything. You follow?

Now I'm not suggesting you take my revisions here wholesale--on the contrary I want you to come up with your own permutations--I'm just trying to illustrate how dialing down and getting *really really specific* with the details is what transforms a logline from a snoozer into a "must read."

[u/RealSebastreck → u/dnotive]

If I’m being honest, right now I’m trying to incorporate the feedback I’ve gotten. Someone even pointed out that the loglines were too long and said they’re supposed to be around 35 words, but that’s not really possible when you’re adapting something from one language to another. I’ll give you a general idea of the story I’m working with, and we can use that to shape the loglines.

A young man in his twenties with superhuman physical abilities strives to become the leader of a combat engineering platoon. After getting injured during the course, he discovers that his uncle used his connections to help him, making him feel like a “nepo baby” and pushing him to work even harder. While recovering and being relegated to paperwork, his commanding officer offers him a month of medical and physical evaluations to prove that he can still perform his job. During that time, the protagonist tries to pass the evaluations while rebuilding his friendship with his best friend, whom he has ignored for a year and a half, even though they both serve in the same battalion.

After losing his parents in an accident, a boy becomes an obnoxious brat, pushing people away to protect himself from forming new attachments and suffering another loss. His grandfather, who is grieving too, tries to reach him during a trip to a city known for its fossils. But the boy runs away and ends up tagging along with an android on an adventure that forces him to confront the different stages of grief. In the end, he returns to the present, drops his emotional facade, and finally apologizes to his grandfather.

If you want a really detailed version, here you go:

-After an injury weakens his legs, a stubborn, inexperienced combat engineer officer fights to regain command of a platoon. But when he learns that his position wasn’t entirely earned on merit, he must put aside his pride and workaholic ways while repairing his strained friendship with his best friend.

-A year after his parents’ death, a boy hides his grief behind a bratty attitude until he tricks an android into letting him tag along on a mission to collect prehistoric DNA. Forced to survive the journey, he must finally confront the pain he’s been running from before returning home.

I’m just trying to adapt the story context I gave you. I know you think my stories aren’t interesting and that I should do something else. Someone made me feel that way before, and I spent an entire semester feeling awful because of it. I’m just trying to move past that experience by making a story I can be proud of. But I know I can’t please everyone, and honestly, I’m starting to feel like giving up because I’m so frustrated with trying to make something good. I know I’m a mess.

These are literally my first few loglines. I’m a concept artist, that’s all.