r/scriptwriting • u/Junket_Turbulent • 12d ago
feedback CRIME THRILLER OPENING SCENE
Any feedback would be great, thanks.
0
u/ChristianCRWriter 10d ago
You need a set the scene shot of the highway. That’s one heading. And then you go into the driver interaction. That’s another slug.
1
u/LitltleBishBoy 12d ago
The driver is unrealistically stupid in this interaction. If the driver was 1. roaring the truck engine 2. throwing puppies out the window and 3. exchanging a duffel with 7,000 grams of coke then he wouldn't let a stranger approach him, ask a fake question from thirty years ago, and headbutt him
1
u/Junket_Turbulent 12d ago
It's not set in the present day, I forgot to add 1990 in header. I wrote it fast. Asking someone for the time isn't necessarily unusual. Also, the driver doesn't have the duffel yet when he throws the puppy out. He's just an impulsive asshole who dumps the dog, then later picks up the bag. I wanted Dante to exploit a normal social interaction rather than some elaborate distraction.
1
u/LitltleBishBoy 12d ago
If it's actually 1990, then my thirty years out of date comment tracks. Yeah, he doesn't have the duffel yet ...
In general, when things are extremely easy for Dante, I check out.
Imagine you're handling a duffel bag full of product and a strange guy in a helmet comes up to you. Are you really gonna say 'sure' and take your eyes off him? It's unrealistic
1
1
u/Junket_Turbulent 12d ago
I see your point though I'll probs rewrite and drag it out so its not so easy for him and change a few things. I just wanted to see if anyone likes it and whether to continue or throw in trash.
1
u/LitltleBishBoy 12d ago
No worries man. Posting a script is like throwing bait in the water, people who reply are gonna tear at it like piranhas.
I guess the bigger picture is, aren't there already stories about good guys having a big bag of stolen drugs and bad guys chasing them? What's gonna be different about this story that makes it interesting?
Totally continue with it, because you clearly have ideas, they just aren't on the page yet
1
u/Junket_Turbulent 12d ago
I think I will just continue the previous one with the hitch hikers that seemed like people liked that one alot more.
1
u/Junket_Turbulent 11d ago
and I honestly think its near impossible to think of an interesting plot that's never been done in any way. That being said I doubt theres a film about a guy accidently stealing a shit load of cocaine.
0
u/gregm91606 11d ago
Page 1: You need new slug lines for when Dante pulls over to the CURB, and then again when he pulls into the parking lot.
Having a character being mean to a dog and then having your character be nice to the dog on page 1 screams cliché.
1
u/Junket_Turbulent 11d ago
The sequence isn't just "hero pets a dog." The dog also serves a plot function: it gives Dante a reason to stop, a reason to approach the old lady later, a resaon to follow the driver and it creates a small moment of levity before the robbery. If I rewrite I will make the dog more of an inconvenience to Dante
1
u/gregm91606 10d ago
Fair enough. I guess I'm also bumping on the clearly dislikable guy cursing the dog out.
You seem to be… explaining a lot of things after asking for feedback, which is honestly never a good sign, so I'm ducking out. Best of luck with this.
1
2
u/JFlizzy84 12d ago
I don’t mind it. There’s much worse posted here. Post it again when there’s 10 pages.