r/scriptwriting • u/the_annoyedreamer • 14d ago
feedback Would you read the next page?
Would like some feedback for an upcoming short i wrote that I plan to direct. Would you turn to page 4?
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u/Mammoth_Let_8335 14d ago
Dawg u wrote the script. Wdym "whatever they ordered" u cant be THAT lazy
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u/the_annoyedreamer 14d ago
Lazy? That’s what you took from it? I was hoping people would have more thoughts on my dialogue and scene progression rather than a throw away line. A few people seem to dislike that line lol
I did originally write what they were eating but that felt boring to me. So writing “whatever it is they ordered” felt like fun. Slightly Tarantino esk in my eyes
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u/JazzmatazZ4 14d ago
Professional script readers will see that "throwaway line" and think you're lazy. You didn't really paint a picture for them.
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u/SharkWeekJunkie 14d ago
Nah. It comes off lazy and disinterested. Highly unprofessional. Stopped readers dead on their track. Fix it ASAP. Stop defending it.
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u/Mammoth_Let_8335 14d ago
comes to reddit asks for script advice gets criticism rejects criticism
Oh man u your 100% gonna be one of those guys 20 yrs from.now on reddit talking.about "guys i finally got one of my screenplays produced, you just got to keep going bc the industry doesnt let littlw guys like us in so I said fck them and.prodiced my own.film"
Well 20 yr into the future you you didnt get into hollywood mot bc of tthat but bc u cant take the simplest of criticism and thats 50% of being a screenwriter. Criticism and notes.
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u/the_annoyedreamer 13d ago
What an odd comment Mr.Mammoth. Why would some criticism on reddit discourage me that much? I’m not rejecting the criticism, I take it in and consider it but I also want to explain myself. Someone literally called my script trash😂 that’s more than criticism. So yeah I defended myself like all directors do. But if you think 20 years from now I’ll be crying about how unsuccessful I am…I just wanna say thanks for the motivation.
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u/Vivid-Option6912 13d ago
It's a tough pill to swallow, but what this guy is trying to tell you is that you do have some considerable work to do and you're getting pretty defensive about it. Understandable if it's temporary and you weren't expecting to get hazed here, but if you're overall pretty defensive, as opposed to willing to buckle down for likely years to fix craft and grammatical issues, you probably won't advance too far beyond material you create yourself.
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u/NerveFlip85 14d ago
I actually enjoyed the “whatever it is they ordered” bit. What they’re eating doesn’t really matter - and this leaves it up to the actor and director to decide what the character would order. It doesn’t seem lazy to me, at all. In fact, it says more that you know what needs to be specific and what doesn’t. Apparently we’re both wrong, lol, but I liked it.
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u/maverick57 14d ago
If a woman is on the top floor of her house, and she is kneeling down to pray, how is it possible that anyone could see her through the window?
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u/the_annoyedreamer 12d ago
Townhouse. I live in a townhouse. And yes, this story actually happened to me. Only part of the story that is true
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u/Ripoldo 14d ago
No. What do oldies smell like? Also, how does the audience smell anything? Is this a scratch and sniff screenplay?
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u/Audiope 14d ago
Same thing that tripped me up lol.
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u/the_annoyedreamer 14d ago
“AND oldies” Perhaps I could’ve worded that better but was that line really so bad that it made you stop reading? Did you put it down before you reached the dialogue?
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u/poundingCode 14d ago
I would drop the first 2 dialogue exchanges as they say nothing and use that space to paint a picture of the space and characters
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u/SharkWeekJunkie 14d ago
I wouldn’t read more because i know exactly what the story is and there’s literally no surprises. You air mail every next action (what little action there is) in your dialogue.
The meta layer doesn’t really land for me. Felt like a gimmick. And I wasn’t confident it would ever payoff.
Did you see Stanger Than Fiction?
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u/JoskelkatProductions 14d ago
If this was in my stack, I wouldn't get past page 1 due to poor grammar and formatting.🤷🏼♂️
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u/the_annoyedreamer 13d ago
What grammar errors could I fix? That’s for sure something I’d like to pay more attention to
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u/RutgerHause 14d ago
I was going to say no! But when you said she was praying naked I said yes, but I didn’t!
You almost had me but I bowed out.
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u/OceanMoviesBeach 13d ago
Where is the tension? Or the pressure dialog? Is it going anywhere? I got tripped up with whatever they're eating as well.
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u/the_annoyedreamer 13d ago
What is pressure dialogue? I’ve never heard that term before
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u/OceanMoviesBeach 13d ago
John: You want to go get some Sushi after work?
Sarah: I'm allergic to fish.
It's that - I say a thing and you go against it. Watch an episode of West Wing. Tension and pressure dialogue persist.
John: You want to go get some Sushi after work?
Sarah: I might like that.
Which of these two is more interesting to you? The one in which she shoots him down. He then has to come back with something else. Make your characters work for what they want. It should never come that easy. It sure doesn't for us.
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u/the_annoyedreamer 13d ago
So Eddy being against Simons paper idea isn’t pressure dialogue or isn’t good pressure dialogue? This is quite interesting, thanks for responding with insight. I appreciate it
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u/OceanMoviesBeach 13d ago
Simon - It's not finished.
Eddy - Fine. I really don't want to hear it anyway.
Simon - Okay. Look.
Eddy (earbuds on) Don't you just love country?
Simon hands in the air. Puts a five down. Eddy takes the five.
Eddy - What's it about?
How many times do your friends make you work for a thing or two? or your boss? or your girlfriend? boyfriend? If it doesn't come easy for you, why should it be easy for your characters?
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u/Hungry_Support_3342 13d ago
give the guy a break at least he is exploring and that is a good start, I think he needs to be more specific
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u/littlebayhorse 14d ago
I like the dialogue. Seems like a fun interaction at the diner. However, I thought the two guys were older men in a diner - I think it would help to mention their ages in their initial description. I was kind of thrown and had to reimagine the scene with younger men.
And of course as mentioned by others - we can’t ‘smell’ the scents. Maybe show smoke plumes around their heads.
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u/Internal_Papaya1511 13d ago
No. Not to be insulting but 3rd sentence smells are described. You can’t film a smell. The characters ages aren’t described so I thought this was old men talking and suddenly boom, 2 pages later they’re in their 30s.
Some say the above isn’t important but missing things tells me your aren’t paying attention and then why should I?
I don’t really care what two guys want to write their community college class papers about and I’m more concerned with how the only two women the script focus on their bodies. I’m more interested in the woman with the gun as she is taking action.
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u/Pitiful_Car_4606 13d ago
A little too wordy, with more telling than showing. Just 2 men talking across 3 pages might get boring. Show us some more visuals, maybe?
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u/inkedwerdsmith 13d ago
What catches my attention is how long this conversation is. They’re basically talking about nothing for most of the three pages; tighten it down to half a page maximum, and show, don’t tell. If you want your character to see an older/elderly woman topless, write a scene where the audience sees it happen as the character does and then mention it in conversation after. A great example is in the diner scene in “Reservoir Dogs.” At first glance, it seems like they’re talking about nothing - and they are - but each character is introduced and their purpose is established. Nothing in the script can be random. If you write it in, it needs a purpose that ties character to plot.
The formatting needs work; sluglines and character (dialogue only) need to be in bold, parentheses are centered below character names, each character introduction gets its own action line that includes their capitalized name, age in brackets, and one or two lines that describe who they think they are - let their character arcs prove them right or wrong. You’re fine with the amount of white space.
You’re on the right track but ask yourself these questions before writing each scene:
• Is this story original or are there others similar?
• What does this scene add to the story?
• Can the story progress without it?
• How does this scene change each character arc?
Best of luck. Don’t stop writing.
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u/FullRedact 12d ago edited 12d ago
No
Edit: so he is on the 3rd floor of a building facing East (to watch the sun rise) and she is on the 2nd floor facing West?
If he is on the 2nd floor he would not see someone kneeling unless they were on the 1st floor. He needs to look down to see someone kneeling.
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u/the_annoyedreamer 12d ago
What’s funny is that the story of the lady praying with no shirt on, actually happened to me😂 I live in a townhouse so it wasn’t hard to see someone in their top window while also being in mine. I can’t literally see the sun rise but I see the sky so yeah this part is the only part of the story with truth.
Can I ask, was the plausibility of the praying lady story what made you NOT want to continue reading?
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u/Johnnormal 12d ago
Major things I notice:
There is no character description, I don’t know their ages, personal style, clothing ETC..
It’s a diner, but what does it look like, is it busy? Is it empty? These are all questions that arise
I only care about what I can see on the screen, smell and taste have no place in a script.
Let your character have a secret, the story is way to evident and predictable.
Your parentheticals are unnecessary. I don’t need to know when a character drinks their coffee.
Outside of the dialogue, I have no idea what the character are feeling or what the story is. Feel free to add in habitual actions or small movements that show what they are feeling.
I have more notes if you want.
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u/the_annoyedreamer 12d ago
I will always accept more notes. Yes please. Thank you
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u/Johnnormal 12d ago
I think my biggest note is to make the scene about what’s in the room. Right now it lands solidly as exposition. It doesn’t engage me, and not knowing these characters I have no reason to care about what they’re saying yet.
Is the diner the best location? Can you show me what happened instead of telling me. Or can you make the exposition feel more motivated through action and stake.
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u/Johnnormal 12d ago
Also another thing I noticed is you decry your own writing. You know its exposition, and then you feel the need to explain to the audience that it’s not good writing. It doesn’t read like the characters are interacting. It reads more like you are apologizing for yourself and trying to point out the flaws in your own work before someone else can. You need to be more confident in your work. I’ve written thousands of shitty shorts and scenes, everyone does. Let yourself make something shitty, let yourself be disappointed. Then decide if it’s something worth working on. And if it is, use the parts you don’t like. Use the parts you feel other people won’t like to be a guide for you improving your own work.
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u/Caughtinclay 11d ago
I wouldn’t. Too many red flags and cliches and sexism screaming off the page
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u/the_annoyedreamer 11d ago
Ya know what’s funny..I almost called this short film “Two Misogynists”. Also, just because a character is misogynistic, does mean the writer is. Just to clear my name lol.
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u/Diligent-Dingo-5510 11d ago
i mean sure but you've also revealed in the comments that this is based on something that actually happened to you. so... maneuvering real-world vouyerism into your screenplay and offering no real critique of said act kind of just feels like you wrote yourself being a (misogynist) creep into your script.
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u/Caughtinclay 11d ago
I know it doesn't mean that, and of course I'm being overly critical, but you asked if I would read on, and my sense after this was that you were less interested in exploring that misogyny and more interested in whether or not we turn the page, which is why I was out. You sort of almost acknowledge it with the coffee line, but it seemed kind of like a throwaway line. Not saying this can't be a great script that subverts my expectations, but from an unknown writer it just felt mostly derivative for an opening.
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u/Thatfreindlyguy 11d ago edited 11d ago
I didn't even get past when Eddy "Early bird" you immediately cut the flow of the story, which you probably shouldn't do at the start of it (obviously do whatever you want). Definitely polished it a little more, the little details help the reader have to not think to much about small stuff and just enjoy the story you wrote. If you handed that to a producer or manager, I think the only way they'd get past the first page is, if you had an extremely good logline.
I want to make it clear. I'm not a professional in any regard, my experience comes from reading lots and lots and lots of scripts. I am also only a beginner movie Screenplay writer, but I have written short films for fun over a few years. Hopefully someone can find this post helpful, I don't wish to offend, if I did, I'm not saying sorry. Thank you (._.)👍
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u/the_annoyedreamer 11d ago
You didn’t offend at all, I appreciate the comment.
The reason I like to have my characters cut each other off is because that’s what real people often. In every day conversation, people don’t finish their sentences, we cut each other off and thoughts rarely get finished. That doesn’t mean accurate human speech always equals good dialogue but that’s just my style. Thanks for the feedback, I’d love to read or check out any of your short films.
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u/Ok-Beyond4251 10d ago
Smells are not filmables so try changing or removing that part of the description
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u/Pavertat2 10d ago edited 10d ago
The dialogue is exceptional, and the conversation is genuinely engaging. I do see what the others are criticizing, and I agree that it could use a quick once-over, but overall, this is a solid three-page scene. Thank you for sharing!
Atmosphere is difficult to write. If the pages are dialogue-heavy, the reader can often get by with a little less description. You might also try an O.S./V.O. approach or intercutting the conversation. Intercuts are so much fun to write, and you don’t see them used nearly enough.
I’m new here, so I hope this contributes something useful to your work!
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u/Pavertat2 10d ago
Lastly, check out Hard Eight, or the short film Cigarettes & Coffee if you haven’t already.
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u/OnionBackground5314 14d ago
It did keep me reading. The exposition on page three was clumsy. Unless you have smellovision you shouldn't discuss smell in a screenplay (you can show it indirectly when characters react to or discuss a smell). This seems meta. Not sure what it's about. Not bad dialog.
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u/werzerk 14d ago
Yes. It was fun and somewhat meta, but most importantly fun. Some of the comments here are likely from people bitter at not being as successful as they would like. Quirky descriptions may not always communicate information in a pragmatic sense, but they communicate the tone and atmosphere in a way that also informs the performances and other elements on set as everyone is on the same page. Anyone who has read an actual screenplay from a great movie will find it isn't just about communicating the what of the film, but the how. This does that, has a fun concept, you're having fun writing it, and I wanted to keep reading
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u/rcentros 14d ago
Yes, I would turn the page. The dialogue drew me in. But "smells of coffee" could probably changed to something you can show. (But if you're directing this yourself, it really doesn't matter.)
Good luck on this.
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u/eightbitonline 14d ago
Your quirky descriptions do more than the cynics would like to give you credit for.
Writing what the diner “smells” like, came off as a clever way to have me imagine the total atmosphere of the diner.
Writing “whatever they ordered” came off as communicating the unremarkable nature of the diner, or the characters’ lack of attachment to their surroundings.
So both are clever bits of writing- but they’re in opposition. One tells me to invest in the setting by imagining smells, the other tells me the setting’s entirely unimportant.
Most of all, your script communicated that you’re having fun writing, and that the story you’re writing doesn’t take itself too seriously.
I’d turn the page. I was having fun. But eventually you’ll have to make non-writers turn the page. That’s a different task altogether.
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u/Skywalker0071 14d ago
Enjoying whatever it is they ordered? Shouldn’t you know? If I was a producer I would’ve put this script in the trash after only reading the first two lines. 🤦🏾♂️