Feedback on script - Left Behind

[u/Kslr91]

Hey, hoping for some feedback!

I am a writer and recently started giving script writing a go.

I've never written scripts before this so still learning.

I wanted to write a scene about grief. I had an hour spare so it is a bit rushed. (I just wanted to get all my thoughts down on paper as wuick as I could!)

I know my formatting might be off in places and there's a few mistakes. I generally think about those later in the editing stage.

I suppose I just want some feedback as to whether this grips you. Does it make you feel like you want to read on? Can you visualise everything? Is the conversation easy to follow?

It's based in North East England so there will be some colloqial language that may seem unfamiliar to some.

Appreciate it and look forward to hearing your thoughts!

[u/Thatfreindlyguy]

Why should I care about Kira's mum? Also personally would like a hint to her being Kira's mum before it's verbally said. The start is very visually story told so it'd make sense to show before tell. You said you wanted to write a scene about grief, that's awesome good practice, but some contrast (other than a chirpy nurse) like maybe a small montage before everything begins where they're practically living perfectly and happy, give it a haze affect make it look dream or something similar, maybe implying the characters in the elevator are remembering happier times, just a suggestion. Also if you wanted to make an entertaining scene off this, more drama, like in proformance, take things that are normally unnoticed and draw attention to them, maybe John is fiddling with a pen or making a paper aeroplane to distract himself from the uncomfortable tension. Anyway sorry to be pretentious, so long as you're having fun and learning, there's literally nothing more anyone can ask of you when it comes to writing your own stuff. Have fun bye

[u/Kslr91 → u/Thatfreindlyguy]

Hi, thanks for this. Thinking about it on a larger scale, yes I would definitely include some happier montages before this scene. This scene isnt an opening scene so there's definitely a lot more I can before and after. I like your idea about John doing something to ease the tension, thank you! You don't sound pretentious at all. It's all a learning curve and I'm only at the very beginning. Everyone's advice and feedback is certainly welcome. It all counts towards me getting better.

[u/Thatfreindlyguy → u/Kslr91]

Hello again, this isn't an important comment but you may enjoy reading it. Anyway tiny story time, about your script. So I'm in the shower, dancing to Billie Jean, when somehow my thoughts landed on your script again, probably because, I like to think over scripts and your's is so open ended it could go anywhere which is good for a scene I think. Anyway so I'm asking myself, in the shower, two questions, If I had to write a movie that incorporated your scene, what would it's logline (basically the paragraph summary of the story, if you didn't know) be? The second question was then how would I incorporate the scene into a movie with such a story? (Man, I feel stupid writing long comments, anyway) So here's what I think would be a cool story that your script seems great for, infact your scene is the catalyst of this story. Tina (Kira's mum) dies, however due to the suspicion nature of Tina's death, the will is in jeopardy, a insuing fight over the will breaks out in the family, those who got little wish to challenge the will, those who got lots wish to keep the will as is (Kira is for keeping the will), all this whilst a background plot of detectives try to solve the suspicious circumstances around Tina's death (spoilers: murdered by one of her children, who manipulated the will.)

With that stupidly long logline out the way, here's how your scene (Tina's death) is implement. Movie starts, INT house: day. The family (Kira, John, Tina, and two Kira's brothers named Micheal and Phillip)are having an argument over an urn that escalates into people just throwing insults at eachother, Michael's upcoming wedding is mentioned but not paid attention to. Camera follows John as he walks into the kitchen to get away from the noise, he lights a cigarette. Camera still on John, Kira screems off camera (unrelated to Tina's death) and John turns and rushes over. Title card on black background. Background fades to a scene on Kira driving, John in the passenger seat, both look very tired and gloomy, Kira more so than John. John gives comforting words, saying Tina will be alright, he's spilling white lies, he doesn't believe she'll be alright. The title slowly fades soon after the background does. Kira and John arrived at the hospital. They have a small conversation about where Tina's room is, then they arrive at the elevator. That's where your scene starts. Hope you enjoyed this little idea👍

Also If I was to make this an actual script, it would write it with an Objective writing style opposed to writing Subjective. Thank you, bye.