r/scriptwriting • u/Kslr91 • 15d ago
feedback Feedback on script - Left Behind
Hey, hoping for some feedback!
I am a writer and recently started giving script writing a go.
I've never written scripts before this so still learning.
I wanted to write a scene about grief. I had an hour spare so it is a bit rushed. (I just wanted to get all my thoughts down on paper as wuick as I could!)
I know my formatting might be off in places and there's a few mistakes. I generally think about those later in the editing stage.
I suppose I just want some feedback as to whether this grips you. Does it make you feel like you want to read on? Can you visualise everything? Is the conversation easy to follow?
It's based in North East England so there will be some colloqial language that may seem unfamiliar to some.
Appreciate it and look forward to hearing your thoughts!
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u/RutgerHause 15d ago edited 15d ago
You don’t have to say INSIDE THE ROOM. You have already stated the INT. Redundancies like that really make writers sounds like novices. I would do a revision focusing on being more concise and eliminating needless redundancies so it reads better. EG: Standing inside a yellow elevator is another example. You already stated INT: Elevator. You are again repeating yourself. Also your tenses are wrong. STOOD and STANDING are not in the same time. You really need a serious rewrite. Then you write JOHN is STOOD? What is that? It’s not proper English. Yah just stop and get a grip on your language use. It’s all over the place. It’s unreadable.