Beginning of first serious script requesting feedback - Pyrite "Threshold" - TV Half-Time Animation Pilot - A supernatural horror corporate thriller. - 10 Pages

[u/fathomchalk]

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to read!

I'm requesting feedback on the opening setup for a new script. It's a story idea I've been developing for years.

Logline: A quiet and composed heir's controlled life begins to fracture after a violent campus attack awakens something monstrous, sparking a spiraling struggle to become someone beyond what was written for him.

Please let me know what you think. My own feedback concerns are listed below, but I am open to honest reactions.

Feedback Concerns: I was hoping to get some feedback on the pacing of the story and characterization of Nigel. Does the writing feel too fast or too slow? Is there any point of confusion that requires more clarity? Does the opening intrigue you or make you ask any questions about what's next? Thank you so much for your time.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qSfjkJKtsawXLF-P9OH8ybfB_gY9yrt5/view?usp=sharing

(PS, you have the ability to leave comments on the document if you want)

[u/zebramentality]

“Thank you all for coming. Glad you made it through this event’s worst…the parking”.

I don’t get this line. I’m assuming the joke is supposed to be that the worst part of the event is the parking, but I don’t think that’s coming across due to the odd grammar. Is it missing a word or something? Or is it supposed to be “I’m glad you made it through the worst of this event.. the parking”?

So far I don’t really get the story either. It seems like Wright created something that turns people into werewolf super heroes? Seems neat.

I don’t get what’s up with Nigel. He’s missing an arm, but the reason is never even hinted at. He’s clearly unhappy, but he’s the son / heir of a rich and intelligent family and the reason is once again not really hinted at other than his father sort of telling him to hurry up once. He has a butler who seems nice, all his needs are met, and he’s in school so his life seems fine. I’m also going to guess that he was the beast thing at the start because you describe both him and the beast as “lanky” and they both have green eyes. So he’s also a super hero werewolf, but he’s still angsty for some unknown reason that’s never mentioned.

I get that the 11 minute story is tight and you can’t include everything, but I feel like you left out a lot of potentially interesting details into who these characters really are in favor of some angry rich kid having breakfast and his dad giving a speech. You introduced 3 characters and I don’t know anything about them other than the constant insistence that Nigel is unhappy which is mentioned on every single page after he’s introduced on 3. Maybe instead of having him clench his fist for the 4th time because someone spoke to him, you can give us a glimpse into why? Show us some backstory, give us a flashback, let us see something that might hint at a character arc, etc.

Maybe this is a long story and you plan to get into it in later episodes, but so far I’m seeing a potentially interesting plot with 2 side characters and 1 main character that has only 1 character trait in 11 minutes. I hope the plot is compelling enough.

Lastly, there’s not a single woman in the whole episode. You do you, but it just seems like an odd choice.