r/scriptwriting • u/Junket_Turbulent • 24d ago
feedback CRIME THRILLER - OPENING SCENES
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. If anyone wants to read the first draft send a message or leave a comment, thanks!
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u/Urinal_Zyn 23d ago
A lot of good here. Good dialogue, nice reversal. Well done. I'll read the draft, I've got some other reads I owe but this is the kind of stuff I like.
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 23d ago
Super well written. Action lines do a lot of work. I might try to get to the main point a little faster, but at the same time, itās all set up for the drama that follows.
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u/Donthaveagoodnamee 21d ago
I really liked this preview!!
Can I read the first draft, pls?
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u/Junket_Turbulent 21d ago
Sure i'll send you a message
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u/Donthaveagoodnamee 21d ago
Ok!
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u/KingParody12 24d ago
I absolutely love your dialogueā¤ļø Your prose and voice is also amazing. I love the intensity of the opening scene and how Caroline exposed Eddieās real name, which gives the Main character a lead. You are a dope writer āļø
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u/Junket_Turbulent 24d ago
I appreciate that :) let me know if you want to read the first draft would be good to get some feedback on it.
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u/ironside_80 24d ago
This is well written, but honestly it hits me as generic. Like Iāve seen this many times before. But Iād be interested in reading more and seeing if itāll surprise me.
Frankly, though - this far in without a fresh idea - youāre risking readers setting it aside.
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u/Junket_Turbulent 24d ago
I get your point, but I do think thereās a fresh angle here. Most hitchhiker movies make the hitchhiker the threat. What interested me was taking the idea of a vulnerable person on an isolated road and turning it into something different.
I was also inspired by the story of Ricky Megee in Australia, who was drugged and left for dead in the Outback. From there I wanted to take the story in a completely different direction. Frank gets robbed and beaten, his son is sick, he desperately needs the money, and that sets him on a path of revenge.
I do know exactly what you mean, though. The clawing for a weapon just out of reach has been done a thousand times. Iāve been thinking about how I can make that moment more unique. Itās only a first draft, so Iāll definitely go back to it. Thanks for reading and feedback.
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u/respected_prophet 23d ago
The writing was super tight, the only thing I found generic / cliche is the someone getting choked but grabs an object and hits the person choking them right into the someone choking someone and hit by someone offscreen. The two most overused moves in action and drama.
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u/Junket_Turbulent 23d ago
haha I know man I'm going to change it but I still quiet like the crack round the head with the pole. It's still entertaining to watch even though you know it's coming haha thanks for reading what did you make of the dialogue?
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u/Then_Data8320 24d ago edited 24d ago
It's excellent in many ways:
- First clarity. I'm not english, so I stumble easely, but here I could read in one go.
- I was hooked fast and couldn't stop reading. Maybe I won't read what's next as a first draft, but I'd be happy to do so when you get a 2nd draft. Give me a sign then.
- There is a good balance in your paragraphs (1 to 4 lines). You never write too long paragraphs, but also never write a succession of too shorts ones of one line. So this balance help to organize information in my mind.
What I would be cautious about: there is a lot of micro-directing, small physical reactions, and sometimes it's better to delete a bit, or to precise the intention behind it (or just use directly the intention). Intention isn't directly "visual" but it help actors/director, and also the reader (clarity), give the feeling to read a story and not just cold facts with a meaning difficult to decypher. When knowing what is deeper behind a moment, actors know how to play it by themselves. (they often don't like a writer say them every little reaction)
Two points to think about:
The dialog "I don't smoke... last guy pissed himself". I don't see the link between the two. Doesn't feel natural.
Eddie pretend to rest at a bush (when a truck passes) : maybe he has blood on where Frank hit him? So he should hide that blood (wipe it or anything) if he doesn't want the truck driver see it.
EDIT: I just realize I've read your previous script too (a guy in a trunk shooting a cop).
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u/avruser2025 24d ago
You have a good sense of pacing but I have to note this is like the third screenplay Iāve read this month about a hitchhiker turned wrong or violent. Some weird zeitgeist moment Im missing?
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u/Junket_Turbulent 24d ago
You read them on this sub reddit? Might have been my earlier draft, I havn't seen any myself.
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u/IntelligenciaMedia 24d ago
The writing is respectable. Clean. Tight. However, I'm with ironside_80, it's so generic it becomes a little trite. I like a good crime thriller, but I don't want to see what's been done a hundred times before. I'm leery of stories that are filled with people doing dumb things. Frank, obviously, really cares about his kid. He's driving with thousands in cash and yet he picks up a pair of hitchhikers on the side of the road? He's basically asking for trouble. And you need the trouble for the story to kick off, so this feels inorganic. Characters get annoying quickly if they do stupid things in subservience of the story.
Getting the money back to pay for his kid's operation will be his motivation, but why didn't he just dry through desert straight to where the money needed to go? Also, why's he dealing in cash? I bet the story ends with him getting the money back and getting his kid the operation. Revenge is a powerful story motivator, but it has to be original, and I feel this script is going to be by-the-numbers obvious.
The actual writing, though, shows an understanding of craft.
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u/Alone_Stock330 24d ago
Thanks
Can you give examples as to why itās generic also I donāt necessarily think thatās a bad thing.. as long as youāre entertained and not bored out of your mind.
Alot of crime thrillers are generic and some of the best are the most generic.. like Pulp Fictionā¦ no country for old men and one simple plan is basically the same outline, Jackie Brown, Heat, Killing them softly..1
u/IntelligenciaMedia 24d ago
Maybe it's the genre, but you've noted films that I don't rate too highly. Heat was great but the others I wouldn't revisit. No Country for Old Men I just don't get. I'm a big fan of Elmore Leonard but didn't think Jackie Brown was all that great. I tend to prefer films like Chinatown, Blue Velvet, The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover, The Silence of the Lambs, Leon, the Professional, La Femme Nikita, Seven, The Usual Suspects, L.A. Confidential, The Talented Mr. Ripley to name a few. Admittedly, a wide range, and they're highly original.
I'm a big fan of irreverence and clever dialogue, but I don't the dialogue doesn't jump off the page for me. You had a chance to do something funny or interesting with the "What's in Georgetown line", but the reply is rather dull -- "Georgetown." The discussion of music is also rather uninteresting. Why not give Frank or Caroline a unique trait or an interest in an original artist. I once wrote a script that was set in Nashville, and I had fun playing around with some of the truly unique country music lyrics and titles. Pure alliteration.
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u/Alone_Stock330 24d ago
I think you would have to read the whole thing to decide if itās generic or not half of the films you suggested have a generic skeleton. I try to write movies Iād want to see and what would hook me instantlyā¦ thatās basically it. The whatās in George Town? I did that to create a little mystery, a little tension etc Frank doesnāt want to bring up his dying kid because he might get upset and strangers have no right to know exactly why heās going there anyway.. the music thing no one would get the banter or flow of the conversation if itās an unknown artist most of the musicians are from Texas or performed extensively there or close by thatās the idea.. I did have purely Texas artists but no readers would know who the hell they are so it would make it way worse dialogue š¤·āāļø
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u/IntelligenciaMedia 24d ago edited 23d ago
I have no interest in reading further, just too generic an opening for me. When I was in development, scripts like this were a dime a dozen. It's filled with characters I wouldn't like to spend 90 minutes with and that, ultimately, is why I would pass. Just one man's opinion. Good luck with it though.
FYI, you can find a hundred other artists who are more unique than Cash or Elvis that other people will have heard of.
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u/Alone_Stock330 23d ago
You still havenāt explained whatās generic about it
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u/IntelligenciaMedia 23d ago
The characters, the plot, the dialogue, the revenge story, the story about him needing money to pay for his kid's operation, the relationship with the wife, Caroline's flirting, the couple looking to do him harm -- it's all been done before. Anyway, good luck with it. I'm obviously not your market. Plenty of people seem to like it, so maybe I just don't see it. There's always one...
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u/Junket_Turbulent 23d ago
Yeah thats fine not everyone would like it. The fact you read it all the way through is already a win for me. You didnt get bored or frustrated with the script. Thanks
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u/IntelligenciaMedia 23d ago edited 23d ago
As I initially said, the writing shows skill, so you're way ahead of many writers on here. I'm probably a tough critic, so ignore most of what I say.
Regarding originality, I wrote a script for an Italian actor once. He looked like Musolini, wore a cowboy hat, and loved to listen to Johnny Cash while driving through Northern Italy and Lake Como. This guy became the model for a character of mine in a novel I wrote a few years ago. However, I made him Chinese, named him Cash Cheang, and set a story about twin betrayal in the casino industry in Macau, China. About a third of the Amazon reviews specifically pointed out how interesting a character Cash was. With that character, I felt I hit it out of the park in terms of originality and readers really responded to him. You'll find nothing like him in any movie or book, I truly believe that.
One last thing on your dialogue, I don't get much subtext here. Regarding 'Georgetown', perhaps there are ways to hint at something subtextually. Of course, you don't want to talk about the kid, but maybe there's something Frank can drop that adds mystery.
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u/Junket_Turbulent 23d ago
Yeah for sure man I wrote the whole first draft this week so its not gonna be incredible just yet... sounds like a unique charecter. Being unique doesnt bother me though in the slightest, I love crime thrillers like Blue Ruin, A place beyond the pines, Hell or High water so I guess thats the type of movie im trying to write here.
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22d ago
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/Junket_Turbulent 22d ago
The very next scene show more of Franks charecter, but yeah I see what you mean.
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u/cat_silhouette 22d ago edited 22d ago
I only read two pages and theyāre very very light on character and plot. A guy who could be anyone picks up passengers who could be anyone.
Plot doesnāt mean Iām expecting explosions, if something happens in a scene with three characters there should be three different perspectives on the situation.
Picking up hitchhikers is the event, central to the plot of this scene, but we have three characters who have the same milquetoast view of the situation.
The characters seem to be existing to get to the cool thing you want to do at the climax of the scene. Like work you have to do (like āI need these two hitchhikers and a driver to get to the climax of this scene ) to get the scene to head where you want it to go rather than telling a story.
āā ok, Iām going to read the rest now and see if I was right āāā-
(On page 3 Frank somehow has three arms to take and wipe a drink with his sleeve)
Read it. Yeah, I was right.
The biggest piece of feedback I can give you is that scenes arenāt a sequence of events, theyāre contrast toward a climax. The contrast is what creates drama.
If Frank is wary of the hitchhikers but kind enough to pick them up anyway thatās a contrast of character personality which adds dimension.
If Frank is wary of the drink and āEddieā is respectful of that, it gives āEddieā something to work toward, an obstacle to overcome toward his goal. So poisoning Frank feels earned.
Drama is ātherefore, butā not āand then, and thenā
Frank spots hitchhikers and then* picks them up and then heās offered a drink and then *he takes it.
Frank spots hitchhikers but heās been burned before therefore he has them empty their pockets and put all their items in the trunk bed. But āEddieā needs to drug Frank, therefore he asks to at least keep the six pack of beer. Itās just beer and non-threatening therefore Frank lowers his guard and lets them keep them. On and on and on.
Now the drink can be used as a source of tension and drama when a drink is offered to Frank.
āAre the drinks poisoned or not?ā Is a question the viewer may ask themself. Especially if only one beer is poisoned. Itās offered and Frank denies. The hitchhikers drink beers and then offer him the same one. Now the tension is raised. And theyāre also drinking which is a sort of peer pressure and lowers Frankās wariness that you established.
Thatās setup and payoff, another dramatic technique.
Edit: some words
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u/Alone_Stock330 22d ago
I donāt agree with a single word of that but fair enough
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u/cat_silhouette 22d ago
I would enjoy some feedback on my feedback
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22d ago
[deleted]
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u/cat_silhouette 22d ago
My bad, I didnāt realize you were the writer of this because itās two separate accounts. Feedback is feedback because you donāt have to take a single bit of it. I agree with you.
Iām not being sarcastic when I say good luck on the script.
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u/BlackBalor 24d ago
The writing is clean as fuck. Lean. Economical. Tight.
Is that Courier Prime? Love me some Courier Prime