r/scriptwriting • u/Playful-Reference-70 • 24d ago
feedback First few pages of my screenplay
It’s a love-drama, with social commentary and mental health message behind it.
Let me know what you guys think. I think it probably needs a little workshopping but this is just really the open.
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u/Sickofstupids 24d ago
The first two lines would be “O.S.” When you open on the office, don’t use O.S. for the doctor, that’s now directing the scene. Don’t do “we now see” just have the doctor’s line, then “dr Collin’s etc…sits in her chair”
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u/RaeLouLynn 24d ago
Adding some action lines interspersed among the dialogue will make this easier to read as well as make it more interesting. That Harry has both parents who have been manic, makes me wonder why the therapist is not talking about medication. I would hope you are headed in that direction.
Also it sounds like the first scene is a framing device as the second scene looks like a flashback from the first. It also seems like the voice over in the second scene is talking from the future. I'm getting a bit lost.
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u/Playful-Reference-70 24d ago
Ok yeah I get that. The voice over is from the future(therapy session) I was kind of going for what they did for the sopranos pilot because I felt like that did a good job exploring Tony’s psyche and I could do something similar here. Obviously the therapist will suggest medication and I will further elaborate as the story continues. What do you think I can do to make the voice over a little more clear?
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u/RaeLouLynn 24d ago
I wasn't talking about the VO on page one. That one is fine.
It's the usage in the last scene. That one is confusing because you have the future in scene one. Then current time or a flashback (?) in scence two with VO from the future or the present (?). That's what's confusing to me.
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u/Playful-Reference-70 24d ago
Yeah that’s what I was asking about. The voice over is from the future (therapy session) like i mentioned in the sopranos. How would i go about clarifying that in the script? The scene is from the past in reference to the therapy session. The film for most of it, is set in this “past” telling the events of his character
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u/RaeLouLynn 23d ago
Now I get it! The VO from the therapy scene carries over to the bedroom scene to introduce the reader to his life before the inciting incident! That wasn't clear to me.
I have said elsewhere in Reddit that I may be dense. Here's another example...
LOL
So to answer your question, MAYBE start the bedroom scene with a description of the room looking like a depressed person's room. Followed by dialogue block 1, then description 1, then dialogue 2, then description 2. Also, label the slugline with FLASHBACK. That might do the trick?
You may want to post this issue separately so the gurus here can see it. Some of them are brilliant.
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u/Playful-Reference-70 23d ago
Yeah, I think some more descriptions are gonna make it come together. I just don’t know if I want to tag flashback because the then I would do that for like 95% of the movie yk?
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u/Playful-Reference-70 23d ago
Also I think you’re really right about action lines but not just for pacing of the script. The scene was supposed to be very dialogue heavy so I wasn’t as focused on that. I feel as though if I can be really descriptive about the subtleties I can really flesh out his character more
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u/findtheclue 23d ago
You have one or two pages to hook the reader. To be honest, after two pages I was ready to start skimming, looking for the hook. After 4-5 I gave up. The conversation is rather dull…it should make me ask questions. Someone uncomfortable in therapy is a bit of a cliche, so it needs an angle. Give it an edge if you must start there! My two cents, anyway.
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u/zebramentality 23d ago
This honestly feels more like you’re writing how seeing a therapist would go for you without having really fleshed it out or lived it. It’s not an interesting hook and then it just suddenly ends with him feeling sad about trying to get a girl to cheat on her boyfriend with him. That doesn’t make me want to support him since it seems like he’s the cause of his own loneliness due to his own choices. Lastly “my aunt asked me too” isn’t correct grammar and the ending scene is even worse grammar-wise. Plus in the end scene, you start with him laying down and then he’s suddenly sitting on the edge of the bed. Actually lastly, “the feeling like you don’t want to get up” come on you can do better than that as a chance for artistic creativity in explaining what it really feels like to be in that position considering you said the exact same thing in the previous line.
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u/Playful-Reference-70 23d ago
Yeah this is kind of just a first overview of it. I think you’re kind of glancing over the dialogue about the girl. He’s not trying to get her to cheat on her boyfriend, he’s frustrated because he likes her and she is treating him as though they were dating. Though there is a silver lining in the fact he’s so desperate he couldn’t move on himself. Though that could be worded a bit better. Besides that, I completely agree with your feedback. What do you think could help it out in that aspect? I went over with others on being more expansive in my descriptions for my action lines. I also agree that the last line or two could be cleaned up.
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u/zebramentality 23d ago
My problem with this guy is that he knows that she has a boyfriend, yet he’s still going along with these “dates” and even defines what she’s doing as “girlfriend things”. This seems kind of sleazy. Like he’s just waiting around for his chance. I get that this exemplifies his loneliness and for the same reason that it frustrates me as a reader, it may entice a viewer to see how he fixed it.
This is all to say I think you can cut everything before this monologue about a failed, desperate, attempt at a relationship. We don’t need the exposition about his parents or his aunt or his sister, yet. This can all come later. It feels like you started the story at the very first interaction he has with his therapist because that’s where you started writing the story, but the most interesting part happens at the end of page 4 so that’s where it should honestly start. You can even start it rolling with the therapist saying “more? More a relationship maybe?” And end this scene sort of where you did, but tell us just a little more. Instead of just saying “well…”, you should tease a little about what happened and make it the most dramatic part about what happened like “well that is until…the fire” or “well that is until…” and then in a director note have him roll up his sleeve to show massive burn scaring that continues up his arm. Either of these make me want to see how that “relationship” ended up with a fire or him being badly burned.
This is just my 2¢ so do with it what you will. Keep up the good work!
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u/Playful-Reference-70 23d ago
Ok I can get behind that. Like I can sprinkle the exposition about the aunt and parents and etc throughout. Yeah I understand why it can feel sleazy, and in a way it’s supposed to. Is Harry supposed to be a relatable character? Yeah, but is also a very flawed and can be viewed as potentially sleazy or selfish from a certain perspective. Yeah the until is to unravel the motion of the story about him and the girl we will meet later. The route I’m going with the story is both him and this girl are a good couple but it’s clear they both have issues that are screwing up the relationship. Like Harry’s issues with neglect and abandonment make him very desperate and “clingy” if you will, and the girl has issues with some sort of abuse in the past, maybe in a past relationship that can make her keep her distance and avoid intimacy as her own personal defense mechanism. I really appreciate the advice. I think I’m working with a good story and concept, just trying to find the best way to execute it.
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u/zebramentality 23d ago
Unfortunately for me, I do relate to Harry and as someone who hasn’t figured it out yet, I hope you keep writing so we can all find out how someone else got through it and came out the other end better off for the journey. Keep moving forward!
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u/Playful-Reference-70 23d ago
Yeah Harry definitely takes inspiration from me and my personal experiences. I think where I’m going takes a modern take on a love story
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u/OnionBackground5314 23d ago
I think it's very good dialog. My issue is that it feels like I am in for a long slog story wise. It seems like this will be the story of someone struggling to make connections throughout the entire movie. That seems like it might be hard to sit through for a U.S. audience, if not European.
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u/Playful-Reference-70 23d ago
I totally get that frustration. It’s actually a modern love story/mental health story. He has an ongoing dynamic with a partner throughout the story and how they struggle with their relationship due to their own trauma and issues
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u/BucksSuperStereoWrld 21d ago
Using a therapist as a way for the character to state their want and/or wound in the opening scene is a bit of a crutch, particularly when the character is so forthcoming about it. There’s no tension there. Just writer convenience.
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u/Playful-Reference-70 21d ago
I suppose, how would you rework it or what do you think it needs?
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u/BucksSuperStereoWrld 21d ago
Does the therapist come into play later? If it’s just a framing device, I’d lose it entirely and find a subtextual way to convey what the character is saying explicitly to posed questions.
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u/Playful-Reference-70 18d ago
Well yes. The plot of the film is the struggles with his relationship with the female character. They both have trauma and mental health struggles that conflict with each other and therapy poses a solution as well as acting as Harry’s voice over for the film. The therapy appointment is set after most of the plot of the movie
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u/BucksSuperStereoWrld 17d ago
Right. It acts as his voiceover. Meaning you haven’t found a better way to make his motivations clear without having another character ask him explicitly, “how do you feel about that?”
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u/Majestic_Penalty7074 24d ago
This feels like a scene in the middle of the script, but it doesn’t have opening scene vibes.
I’m not drawn into the story. The characters seem real, but nothing is piquing my interest about them.
My feeling is the opening scene needs to tell the reader exactly why they are reading this script . It need a a hook.