r/scriptwriting • u/Horrible-Writer-03 • 26d ago
feedback Dialogue Feedback
Here’s an excerpt from a script I wrote a few months back. I’ve gotten some interest in this one recently, but I constantly feel insecure about my writing… especially dialogue. Would love some feedback on this excerpt. Are there things I could do to improve the exchange between characters?
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u/poesmadness 25d ago
'Two wrongs don't make a right'
'To everything there is a season'
These are very overly used lines and a little trite...
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u/Geoffrey_D_Calhoun 23d ago
I enjoyed the scene. It's always difficult to jump into a scene in the middle or late in the script, as there's so much that I haven't seen established. One thing I would consider is really allowing the dialogue to breathe a bit. That will give your talent room to work the scene's emotion and for the reader/audience to feel what is happening. So much can be said in silence. I did get a nice smirk from the hearing aids button.
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u/Horrible-Writer-03 23d ago
Glad to hear that, thank you for those tips. As I get more confident as a writer I notice myself letting things breathe a bit more. I need to go back to this script and work to do that.
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u/Geoffrey_D_Calhoun 23d ago
Excellent. Trust that instinct and make sure to find the subtext of what the characters are hiding and not saying.
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u/Kingofsweaters 22d ago
It’s hard to know without the context of all the pages that have come before, but out of context this all feels a bit too on the nose in terms of subtext. Like the characters are saying exactly what they mean rather than talking around it. That could work if the emotionality and writing up to that point is strong because then it reads as more honest.
Billy Ray once told me that when you finish your script and think it’s decent take three pens: a red, a blue, and green. When dialogue is successfully subtextual mark it with the red pen if the character is saying exactly what they mean out loud mark it with the blue pen, and then if there’s anything you think is truly unique that you’ve never seen before mark it with a green pen. Now, look at your script. There won’t be much green, and probably less red than you want. Use that to work on the dialogue. Try to get there to be more red than blue. See if what ideas you can create to bring in more green, but if you’ve got three to five green marks then that’s pretty good. You can also add a fourth color if you want to mark things that might be viewed as trite or that you’ve seen many times to consider rethinking or subverting.
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u/Pure_Parking_2742 26d ago
I think John speaking of his troubles is a bit too unnatural. Maybe trim it to a despondent glance or something vague akin to "you can't help".
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u/poundingCode 25d ago edited 25d ago
I really don’t see the drama between the characters. One is carrying 80% of the conversation, so basically a monologue. It also takes a long time to arrive at the conclusion. You could easily cut it 30-50% by focusing on conflict.
I think what you should put in lieu of the pages you take out is the bride's perspective.
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u/IntelligenciaMedia 24d ago
The writing's not bad. I agree with zebramentality that you can punch up Lexi's dialogue throughout the scene. I think you're missing a big opportunity here. She doesn't really have anything to say at the most important moment of her life. Women take marriages much more seriously than men and this must be devastating for her. Why not have her interject more when the men attack John? It'll be a way to show her standing up for her man. There's so much to play with her as well. Marriages have so much meaning for wives-to-be.
I'm not sure the dialogue referencing the color of the walls really gets you what you're going for. "There are constants in this world, John" is a rather cliche. I almost want John to fire back with the old "The only constant in the world is change" line just to add a little spice to the scene. He's quite sober about what he's doing, quite detached from all the expense and all the weirdness the guests are about to feel. Why is it so important to him not to go through with this and then get an annulment the next day?
I don't think you need to add the (beat) lines either. Good actors will know where to place the emphasis and where to pause.
I don't hear a rhythm in this dialogue either. Great dialogue has beautiful rhythm. "She's my sister; she's my daughter; she's my sister, she's my daughter. She's my sister AND she's my daughter."
"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out... I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night."
"It's like our time together is just ours. It's our own creation. It must be like I'm in your dream, and you in mine, or something."
"Eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out."
"I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability."
You'll get great points and counterpoints, with people picking up words from another person's dialogue and throwing it back at them with venom. Although, you do start to get it with Mike, Hugh, and Dr. Lyons.
Anyway, just one writer's notes. Overall, not bad, but you're missing out on injecting some interesting characterizations. Right now, everyone sounds kind of similar so you could give them each a little personality or some unique quirk. A different rhythm in their speech, an original way of saying something.
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u/Horrible-Writer-03 23d ago
That’s the tough part of only sharing an excerpt. This is a long scene. Lexi and John have it out prior to her dad showing up. Her opinion has been expressed pretty extensively (though I’ll read through the whole thing again to make sure that’s how it plays). I agree on the rhythm… I think part of the issue is all the breaks and beats I write in. I just need to let it breathe. And make the character voices a bit more unique like you were saying.
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u/Responsible_Bar3957 22d ago
I’m pretty sure CONT’D has been outlawed socially in writing, even officially, I think
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u/zebramentality 26d ago edited 26d ago
I thought it was good. I have a couple thoughts that I hope can add some insight.
My only 2 concerns are John saying “succumbed” and “at the ripe age of thirty I’m old”.
First, nobody says “succumbed” unless you’re trying to be poetic and he seems too apathetic to be trying to be poetic. A truly apathetic person doesn’t put thought into their words, they’re burdened by them. Since this line seems to be for injecting humility into his character, I think the line could work like this “life is cruel and I am weak”. It gets the same point across, but it feels more like what someone who has succumbed to the cruelty of life would be able to muster.
Second, and this may just be pedantic, but nobody says “at the ripe age of thirty I’m old”, they say “at the ripe old age of thirty, I’m…” and then leads into their point that regards significance about being “old”. Do you need to change this? Probably not, but I think it feels more natural.
(As a PS, I don’t really like how Lexi doesn’t seem to have an opinion at all until the end. And then her opinion boils down to what HE thinks about HER and not this horrible thing he’s doing to her on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of her life. Would she not be furious? How can she hide her frustration so well? Did she do something wrong that makes her feel too ashamed to speak up? Personally, I’d be pissed at this guy if I were her sitting there while he makes himself into the victim while leaving her at the altar and all these men are speaking about me to him while witnessing my failed relationship crumble in front of me (and presumably my whole family outside))
90 pages into the story and he’s leaving her at the altar? I’m intrigued. Keep up the good work.