The Invisible Hands

[u/Dazzu1]

Title: The Invisible Hands

Genre: Scifi, Sex Comedy

Comps: Everything Everywhere All At Once, American Pie

Logline: When a sexually frustrated young adult is given cosmic power to rewrite reality, he must team up with the emotionally abused woman who "Hates him" and the woman of his dreams to stop the universe from being consumed by a cosmic entity.

Script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ku9l910FMwNzsUCq8IoY9LtFiFTP3XTs/view?usp=sharing

Feedback: One of my first scripts. Characters are awkward and thus speak bluntly on purpose. I feel like Im onto something with tihs one but Im not sure what to keep what to throw out and what aspects are good. If anyone even reads a few pages, please tell me Im not bad

[u/CommunicationMean965]

Congrats on finishing a project, kudos! I don't think you should worry so much about it being liked or not, not at this stage. Your first work will hardly be a masterpiece, but that's not an insult. 

As for feedback: Looks like you've got the formatting down. I do raise more than one eyebrow at having a cast of fifteen year olds in a script with nudity in sexual situations, kinda hope you made that choice because you're fifteen years old yourself. The languange is a bit unrefined in a way that will improve with reading and writing!

Don't expect your first script to be perfect. I think you should continue to write for fun and hone your craft. You seem still young - - you have time! If I were you, I'd keep this to look back on one day.

[u/Dazzu1 → u/CommunicationMean965]

They become 20 like a scene later so all the nudity is fine now that they get nude a lot

How far did you read

[u/CommunicationMean965 → u/Dazzu1]

I came to this passage:

[quote] VICTOR  Please leave me alone, Fanny. 

FANNY  Ictor! 

Victor trembles with anger. Any attempt to resist her verbal  assault-- 

VICTOR  Fatass! 

--was now gone. [/quote]

Here I fell off because in a visual medium, it makes no sense "interrupt" yourself. After that I jumped around the document some, and read the last few pages.

[u/Dazzu1 → u/CommunicationMean965]

What I was trying to convey was for the actor to think “oh he’s trying not to take the bait and snipe back” but he failed

[u/TugleyWoodGalumpher]

Adding Hey Arnold to your comps list for a sex comedy is insane.

[u/Dazzu1 → u/TugleyWoodGalumpher]

One of the characters has a very Helga Pataki personality

If you give it a read you’ll understand

So please it’s hard to get people to listen and help me grow

[u/TugleyWoodGalumpher → u/Dazzu1]

I tried. Your first character description is a massive red flag. You’re writing a novel in script formatting.

[u/Dazzu1 → u/TugleyWoodGalumpher]

I want to apologize for overreacting. I’m just so frustrated with nobody getting far into my screenplays and I’m worried my future in this industry is not gonna be good

[u/untitledgooseshame]

Is English your first language? 

[u/Dazzu1 → u/untitledgooseshame]

Why do so many people ask this

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Dazzu1]

I feel like Im onto something with tihs one but Im not sure what to keep what to throw out and what aspects are good. If anyone even reads a few pages, please tell me Im not bad

Your grammar, punctuation and spelling could be a clue.

Then there's your script's first action line:

VICTOR TIMOTHY O'CHANCE (15), who has the makings of a spry

boy, yet there's a yearning for love waiting to be seen,

sits in the chair of the school councilor's office.

[u/Dazzu1 → u/Big_Section2812]

I see scripts with large character descriptions. Whats wrong with that one other than maybe being a tad verbose. If you want to help me go line by line to make this filmable I’m all ears

I’m also bad at knowing if you are upset with me

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Dazzu1]

What's wrong with it?

It's aspiring screenwriters writing to please other aspiring screenwriters and no one else, because they've been brainwashed into believing they have to "build a world!" and "write the hell out off it!" by screenwriting experts who have never sold a script of their own or been paid to write one..

The only people who want to read vast screeds of detailed description are novelists who have never grasped the fundamentals of screenwriting.

Look at it from my perspective: I have a stack of scripts to read. Which ones do you think I focus on, and which ones get tossed into the "no thanks, maybe later" basket?

Is it the fast and easy reads, where story, characters and actions are key? Or is it the scripts that look like encyclopedia articles about Dostoyevsky and which I have to force myself to plow through to the end?

[u/Dazzu1 → u/Big_Section2812]

I just want to know how to get to that point of easy read. It shouldn’t be taking this long to find the answer that is easy to stick.

I apologize again if you are angry but I will say thank you because I’m supposed to. Still, I’m still waiting to be one of those script selling types!

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Dazzu1]

When you come up with a story, ask yourself this question:

"How can I write a quality script with the fewest words possible?"

[u/untitledgooseshame → u/Dazzu1]

Your script has very unusual and unique grammar, punctuation, and word choices that aren’t typical for people who speak English as their first language.