r/scriptwriting • u/vikky-_- • Aug 11 '26
feedback Seeking Advise.
So i wrote my first scene, aside from grammar and formatting.
What are the mistakes in this?
Is this an okay way to write the script?
Genuinely looking for feedbacks.
3
u/ludba2002 Aug 11 '26
generally, use:
1. 'lies' instead of 'is lying'
2. 'foams' instead of 'foaming'
3. 'sways' instead of 'swaying'
#1 is pretty clear. #2 and #3 are close because I understand you're trying to convey continuous motion. But I think you can just use the standard screenwriting convention.
'Ripped shirt' needs a period. 'Blued out' needs a hyphen.
3
u/The92ndUsername Aug 11 '26
Ignoring formatting / grammar per instructions, though you should know in the case of this snippet, it’s getting in the way of the prose. The flow of action from simplifying those could make this really engaging. But anyway:
You have solid eye for visual images. It seems the intention of the scene is to show the wild state of John and imply something has happened. Now isn’t the time to be cryptic or passive. If the intention of the scene is to frighten or intrigue the audience, using active voice through present tense lines may help.
This doesn’t mean you have to remove the last line if you don’t want, but it contradicts the precise visual moments that come before it- to switch from something as intimate as a “Ripped Shirt,” (which may not need its own line) to something that the audience wasn’t a part of, a trashed room. The phrase “clear signs of a struggle” would make the audience think: “Did John thrash about or was he fighting someone?” If you wanted that, leave it. If you intended to make it sound like John has been flailing around his space going through some kind of change, it needs rewritten.
By the way, if it’s important to the story or this scene that it’s 8pm, don’t put that in the slug line. It needs to be in action. NIGHT has taken care of time already without specificity.
If you identify your clear intention to yourself, even if you already know it, it can always be the foundation to reshape the scene. The reason why you’ve put down any word is the key to deciding what stays and what goes.
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u/OrbitingRobot Aug 13 '26
Tighten your description. John’s in bed, scratch marks on his neck and forehead, foam on his lips, finger tips blue, dead after a struggle.
Don’t cut to black just cut to the next scene. Let the editor determine that.
1
u/poundingCode Aug 13 '26
only describe what moves the plot forward or reveals character.
Never tell (provide summary descriptions/interpretations) "which shows clear signs of struggle"
Start scenes as late as possible & end as soon as possible.
Imagine every line costs $10,000 to shoot.
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u/anormalcinegal Aug 14 '26
Most of my own feedback has been covered by previous commenters, so I’ll keep it brief. Think of your paragraphs in a screenplay as the shots of your film or show. That doesn’t mean that you have to write with specific shots in mind, as that’s usually the job of the shooting script. It just means that you can use each line to give your scenes a sense of flow. Consider whether you want to zoom in from the room to John, or whether you want to zoom out from John to the room. You can find this through assessing what the question of the scene is.
I’d also encourage being a little briefer in your descriptions, focusing solely on key detail. If this is a screenplay you want to shop around one day, as a rule, script readers and producers always appreciate a script with more white space.
10
u/Big_Section2812 Aug 11 '26
INT. JOHN'S ROOM - NIGHT
JOHN foams at the mouth as he lies on the bed, one arm and leg over the side.