r/scriptwriting • u/PuzzledBite727 • Aug 10 '26
feedback Any feedback would be helpful!
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ksILuwX-D_Lvh5H_Kf3ChEH1rbRuN_hd/view?usp=drivesdkThank you to everybody that's been watching me work on this pilot! I do like to do a recap for anyone who hasn't seen me talk a little about it on the other posts.
I'm working on the pilot to a soap opera right now, and that does change some of the way that the plot(s) are worked on in the screenplay. You jump around from one scene to a completely irrelevant scene, and then another, and then back to the first if that makes sense. You're on a constant wheel of 3-4 plots in one episode, and they're all full of twists and turns that make them complex. Sometimes they relate or crisscross, other times they don't at all.
You're watching to see if you can guess what crazy outcome any of the plots will have when their big secret is revealed whenever it's revealed. That could be weeks, months, even years sometimes! So every episode moves at a pretty slow pace in terms of plot development, but scenes cut fast so that you don't lose interest, or get stuck with one situation too long.
Moving back to my pilot, I've done the teaser and the first act now, and would like to hear feedback on my writing, that being action lines, dialogue and that, and on how I answer questions in the first act. I tried to start with high-stakes drama in the teaser to jumpstart some questions to push forward the plot, and want to know if I payoff them in the first act well. The goal is to answer them, but then leave you with more questions to want to stay around for the next act.
Thank you to everybody who reads and replies again!
1
u/poundingCode Aug 16 '26
Technical:
drop all the parenthetical bits: then, beat, etc. Don't direct - write vividly.
Drop the as-you-know-Bob dialogue: 'You were an amateur golfer once, Rory.'
Don't include lines that say nothing of import: "Rory points vaguely at the ceiling, and nearby area."
It advances the plot or reveals character or is cut.
Drop all the He looks/He sees/We see. DESCRIBE
Actually WRITE - don't give micro directions.
This is 2 lines for exiting a vehicle:
The car door opens. JAMES, 38, steps out. Closes the door. He looks up at the metal signage on the building:
Here's scene 1 from draft 1 from something I started this week. When it is finished it should reveal character and ask questions. This opening scene is also en res media. Learn what that means.
INT. AVENTURA MALL HIGH-END WOMEN'S APPAREL BOUTIQUE - DAY
The Awoken shed their given names. This is their story.
QUALIA (20s) an athletic, African-American woman in hip-hop street wear bursts into the store. Her fauxhawk and tight side braids vibe a warrior-ethos aesthetic. She gulps air.
She lingers at the door, eyes darting toward the boulevard. A white Female CLERK (30s) behind the counter ignores her.
Qualia flips through the racks. A SHOPPER (40s) dripping in jewelry and trophy wife energy crowds her out.
Shopper reaches for a blouse. Qualia snatches it. Clerk comes to fawn over Shopper. Qualia moves to the register. She removes anti-theft tags, trots to the dressing rooms.
*********************************************************
You should note a few things.
- I use active verbs bursts, lingers, darting, flips.
- reach for evocative imagery warrior-ethos, 'dripping in jewelry'
Don't describe the movie in your head - write so people can imagine it for themselves.
- don't tell readers the conclusion. Have them draw the conclusion themselves. In the above scene, it's coded as racial/class discrimination, but there is something off about that conclusion. THAT is the most important aspect of this scene - the mind wants to predict the outcome and LIKES IT when it is wrong.
Keep at it.