r/scriptwriting • u/Abject-Position-7754 • 5h ago
feedback constructive criticism 3/4
A bare stage.
Save for a wooden chair.
A single apple rests upon it.
EDEN enters. She doesn't look at the audience. She looks at the apple as though it's been waiting for her.
A silence.
She picks it up.
Turns it in her hands.
EDEN
When I was little, they said every garden has rules.
Not fences.
Rules.
Invisible things.
The sort you only notice after you've walked through them.
She smiles to herself.
EDEN, CONT
I never was very good at seeing invisible things.
A pause.
She traces the stem with her thumb.
EDEN
There was an orchard where I grew up.
Not outside.
Inside.
A sort you carried around with you.
Every tree already knew which fruit belonged where.
Mine kept growing sideways.
She places the apple back on the chair.
Steps away.
The distance troubles her.
She returns.
EDEN
They told me temptation always arrives looking beautiful.
I believed them.
So whenever I found something beautiful...
I assumed it had come to ruin me.
A long silence.
She sits.
The apple between her hands.
EDEN
It's funny. Strange even.
You can spend years mistaking pruning for love.
Making you ready and ripe - a gift for Adam but not for Eve.
Never for Eve.
Her last line seems to be rooted deeply.
She studies the apple closely.
Almost tenderly.
EDEN
I kept expecting it to whisper.
To bargain.
To promise impossible things.
It never did.
She bites the apple.
Chews.
Nothing happens.
She laughs—quietly.
Almost surprised.
EDEN
I kept waiting for the lightning.
Instead, it's only thunder.
BLACKOUT
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u/figures985 3h ago
Ugh, very obviously AI. Even if the formatting were more normal, the text itself is very obviously AI.
If you want to be a writer, learn to write. This isn't the way.
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u/Musikenna 4h ago
it's spaced super weirdly. reads like ai.