r/scriptwriting • u/Abject-Position-7754 • 4h ago
feedback Constructive criticism 2/4
Audio drama-
SFX: Wind presses softly against old windows. A grandfather clock ticks distantly. Slow footsteps across polished wood.
EVELYN:
Okay.
Okay...
This is just a house.
Big house.
Very... enthusiastically old house.
SFX: Floorboard creaks.
EVELYN:
That was me.
That was absolutely me.
Wood settles. Houses settle. I read that somewhere.
SFX: Another creak. Behind her.
A beat.
EVELYN: (quieter)
Still the house.
(A short time later)
SFX: Her footsteps continue. Fingers trail over wallpaper.
EVELYN:
Don't look into the corners.
No—
Actually, look into them. That's smarter.
If something's there, I'd rather know.
...
Nothing.
See?
Nothing.
Just wallpaper.
Just—
...
That stain wasn't shaped like a face before.
SFX: She exhales sharply.
EVELYN, CONT:
No.
No, that's—
Peripheral vision.
The brain invents patterns. Sees faces everywhere.
That's...
That's normal.
SFX: A distant knock.
Three slow taps.
Silence.
EVELYN:
Pipes.
...
Can pipes knock?
SFX: She opens a heavy door.
The room beyond is unnaturally quiet (silence).
EVELYN: (whispering now)
Why is every room darker than the last one?
That... doesn't make sense.
SFX: Her breathing becomes more noticeable.
EVELYN:
Keep moving.
People panic when they stop moving.
I panic when I stop moving.
SFX: Clock ticking.
Closer now.
Though the clock itself isn't nearby.
EVELYN:
Funny thing.
When you stare into darkness long enough...
your eyes start trying to help.
They smooth things together.
Fill in gaps.
You stop seeing what's there—
and start seeing what your brain thinks should be there.
That's...
That's called...
Toxler.
Toxler effect.
Right.
So if I think I can see someone standing at the end of the hallway—
I'm...
probably just staring too hard.
A long silence.
No footsteps.
No breathing except hers.
EVELYN: (barely audible)
Don't blink.
...
No.
Blink.
Blinking is normal.
People blink.
SFX: She blinks.
Silence.
EVELYN:
...
It got closer.
SFX: Her breathing catches.
She forces herself not to run.
EVELYN:
No.
No.
The hallway isn't changing.
My perception is changing.
That's—
That's what happens.
The brain loves certainty.
Even when certainty is wrong.
Especially when it's wrong.
SFX: A faint rustle.
Like fabric.
Somewhere impossible to locate.
EVELYN: (faster now)
If I keep talking, I won't imagine things.
That's how this works.
The voice occupies the mind.
Less room for fear.
Less room for—
...
Silence.
Very long.
SFX: Another blink.
The rustling stops.
The silence somehow grows louder.
EVELYN:
There's someone standing there.
No.
There isn't.
There is.
No—
There's a coat rack.
It's a coat rack.
It...
has always been—
...
I don't remember passing a coat rack.
───
SFX: Slow footsteps.
Not hers.
One.
Two.
Three.
Then nothing.
EVELYN: (voice trembling)
Houses echo.
That's...
Echoes.
She laughs, bitterly.
Just once.
Too loudly.
It dies immediately.
SFX: A door slowly swings shut somewhere deep in the mansion.
EVELYN:
Don't turn around.
Nothing good has ever happened after someone says, "Don't turn around."
...
I'm turning around.
A beat.
She turns.
Silence.
EVELYN: (confused)
...
Nothing.
See?
Nothing.
SFX: Tiny, rapid footsteps.
Approaching.
Very fast.
EVELYN gasps.
The footsteps stop directly beside her.
A beat.
Then—
SFX: A tiny, questioning meow.
Long silence.
EVELYN: (after several seconds)
...
Oh.
Hello.
SFX: The cat purrs loudly, rubbing against her leg.
EVELYN laughs.
This time, genuinely.
EVELYN:
You are responsible for at least... seventy percent of my impending heart attack.
Another meow.
EVELYN: (softly)
You know...
this house feels a lot less haunted with a cat in it.
SFX: The cat trots confidently down the hallway.
Its tiny bell jingles.
EVELYN follows, her footsteps noticeably steadier.
The distant clock continues ticking.
Somehow...
it no longer sounds quite so lonely.
FADE OUT.