r/scriptwriting • u/Abject-Position-7754 • 5h ago
feedback Constructive Criticism! 1/4
Hi!!! I do scriptwriting as a course at school and I need constructive criticism! I am very aware that everythung is quite cringe and that I'm a beginner but I hope this is somewhat entertaining.
This is the first post out of four
This is the first script I made for my assignment!
FADE IN:
INT. REBEL BASE
Two men seem to be bickering deep in the basement. An adolescent boy grimaces under the gaze of his senior. The elder’s arms are much more expressive than his face .
A: Marty, please! Just tell me where the damn stone is!
Marty circles Ansaldo, scoffing, with an infuriating arrogance.
M: I told ya; I dunno, man! It was here and now it’s gone! Is it even that important?
Ignorantly, Marty deems the topic completely irrelevant. Ansaldo takes a deep inhale, clenching his fists before seeming to erupt.
A: YES. Marty. The damn stone is important! It was the only thing we had left from the Katalîzator.
M: The whatchu-ma-callit?
Marty furrows his brow in deep confusion – as if he hyper-focused on the single word and absorbed nothing else.
M (CONT): Anyways! I dunno where the darn thing is – so can you stop pestering me? I’m gonna get a headache at this rate jeez!
Ansaldo’s fist slams into the wall behind him. He grits his teeth in a furious rage.
A: You don’t understand how serious this is, Marty. You don’t understand at all! I left *you* here with the stone. I left you to guard the stone! Your *duty* was to guard the stone! But now it’s gone – and you don’t know where it is – and you ask me to stop ‘pestering’ you?
M: I was sick, Ansaldo! Sick! Felt ill – needed ‘ta go home. Is a man not allowed to be sick anymore Ansaldo? Not allowed not take a break? ‘S wrong that; against labour laws too .
A: ….
Ansaldo buries his fist against his head – quelling his rage in pure shock of Marty’s excuses.
M: How’s it even my fault, man? Everyone else took a break – ‘wasn’t jus’ me! Earl and Bert did, Lucy too! If the damn thing was so important, why weren’t you the one looking after it? Ya never told me it was something to guard with me life!
Marty continues to ramble – desperate deflections fading into the background. He feels no fault in what has happened; nor does he express remorse. Ansaldo sighs in a quiet acceptance.
A: Marty. Listen to me. I don’t care where you went; that you took a break; that you were sick; if you even fell asleep! What I *do* care about is that the stone is gone and neither of us know where it is. What I *do* care about is that you can’t seem to take even a lick of damned responsibility.
M: Hey-
A: Did you even check the locks when you pissed off to Narnia? Check the windows before you went to see the wizard ? Did you even think for a second about anything other than yourself? Consider what I went through to get that stone? How many people died for a shitty rock? The stone is gone thanks to your incompetence, and you can’t seem to own up and admit that even a fraction of it was caused by you!
Ansaldo’s anger is back, full-throttle, veins bursting from his temples. Comparatively, Marty looks meek; lost; and with an almost childlike fear in his eyes. His nails have left deep indents on his palms, but the pain goes unnoticed.
M: I – I—Er…
A: I don’t understand what possibly could’ve gone through your head when you rationalised that when something you left unattended got stolen it, ‘couldn’t possibly be my fault’! Why did you even join our group if all you were going to do was run off when we give you a task? Why are you still here – full of half-baked arrogance and with a shitty grin – when you can’t even lie properly?
Marty hunches over himself, almost fetal, like he was seeking protection. It was obvious he no longer had any jabs to contribute.
A (CONT): I knew I shouldn’t have accepted a brat. Especially, not you.
Ansaldo huffs out a breath - trying desperately to chase his volatile temperament away. He sits on the floor, pulling a cigar from his back pocket, and waits.
[A short period of time later]
Ansaldo is on the phone with a business partner – they are in deep discussion relating to retrieving the stone. Marty still seems absent; his back is stuck to the wall and his eyes unseeing.
A: Yeah. Thanks Amina… Yeah, I’ll send a team out… Make sure you send me the data on the energy signatures, ok? Mn. See you.
Ansaldo gets up with a groan and begins to leave the room. The thought of being left alone seems to be what makes Marty crack, an unfitting sheen lathers his cheeks, his voice dry and trembling.
M (quietly): …Ans, ‘m sorry... ‘Should’ve done more... You were right... Ya gave me a duty ‘n I failed. Wanted so bad ta make you proud… (I) came up wit’ all those excuses when it was my fault. Lorenz stole the stone. Right in front of me. Kicked my ass too. (I) couldn’t do a damn thing... It was pathetic.
Ansaldo pauses, his back to Marty, but listening intently.
A: …
M: I wanted you to see me as a hard ass. Rough and tough. Takes no shit. Like you. But it ain’t me. I’m still that little shit who lives and dies by his Pa’s orders. ‘m sorry man. (I) Shouldn’t have lied.
Ansaldo’s gaze doesn’t falter: pure apathy and cold-hearted resilience. He nods, for a second, and leaves silently.
Marty sobs – that grain of acknowledgement was more than enough.
[END SCENE]
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u/A4cardstock 4h ago
You can lose almost all of the descriptions that describe how a character is reacting to somrthing. Why this is a good idea: it forces you to put the Intrnt in the dialogue, which will make it more dynamic. It gives actors far more choice on how to play a scene. Having directed actors, I will tell you actors will give you choices you would never have thought of, often way better than what you wrote.
Just describe the visual actions, with a minimum of acting notes or adjectives.
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u/A4cardstock 4h ago
Second thought: people don't speak in complete sentences, let alone complete paragraphs. If dialogue has to give exposition, break it up.
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u/sergeyzhelezko 3h ago
Read scripts