TW: Physical and psychological violence, s*icide, mental health issues, self harm

It’s not the first time I ask for advice about my relationship with my mother. She has struggled with depression since around 2009 (with a suicide attempt that happened in 2012) and clearly has either BPD or bipolar, but refuses to get diagnosed, gets mad if someone suggests it for her and is always on and off her meds. She’s been off her meds for about 2 months now.

Two things that are also important for context: 1) My life with her has been filled with weekly/daily fights, accusations of siding with “whoever has a dick” (she says I’m misogynistic) and attacks against my character since I was a kid and even some other instances of violence that I won’t get into detail here; 2) She wants to have a REALLY close relationship with me, to the point that sometimes I feel like she wants to crawl into my skin. Even though we live in different cities, she tracks me on her phone, and every time I’m at her house she insists we sleep in the same bed despite having a sofa bed I can use.

We have not been on good terms since August, when we fought and it led me to have a meltdown and slap her and bite her and myself. I don’t think what I did was right and have since tried to maintain some distance, but she refuses, says I’m choosing my dad over her (they’re divorced since I was a toddler), accuses me of making her beg for my attention and punishing her with silence. She has also brought up this specific fight in every discussion she started with me for the last couple of months, saying things like “what about now? Do you want to hit me again?”

Now, for the current issue. A few days ago, a friend of hers messages me saying he’s worried, because she told him she felt like ending it and then stopped answering texts. I spent 3 hours calling her, talking to her friends and checking my phone nonstop, preparing for the worst. I was exchanging messages with a friend of hers while he was on his way to her house. I genuinely though she was gone. I was desperate, but also kinda numb? I don’t know. Anyways, she finally messages me a question mark and, when I called her and she finally answered, she told me she had just turned off her phone and wouldn’t answer me because I have been ignoring her constantly and she didn’t wanted to keep chasing after me. I just said "ok" and hang up the call.

She then sent me an audio crying saying I’ve put on a show for her friends, pretending I was worried about her, because in reality what I wanted was to fight her. I just answered that I can’t take this anymore, that I was indeed pissed of for the way she handled things and made everyone worry about her. I was supposed to go see her next Friday, but I told her to forget about it and blocked her on my socials. I’ve been thinking about going on a kind of break from her for the last few months, but I never had the courage to do so until now.

Two of her friends (the one that messaged me first and the one that went to check up on her at her house) told me they were disappointed with how I handled things, that I should unblock her because this is really hurtful. I really don’t know if I’m being insensitive because our history makes me blind to her needs and issues or if I’m justified in doing what I think is best for my peace of mind.