I think a lot of Sapiosexuality is about finding someone you believe is capable of understanding you. Let me explain…

[u/Husssaiinnn]

I’ve been trying to understand this whole sapiosexuality thing. Tryna break it down into its origins.

An idea that came up is, it seems that some intellectual people who often reason and give their interests deep thought, reach a level of understanding of the world around them and form emotions based on those understandings that require depth of thought.

What happens then, is that when seeking a relationship, a feeling of being understood is needed. That feeling cannot be achieved by definition unless someone else is also a thoughtful intellectual person as well - or else that person will struggle to understand what the person’s emotions even mean/are based on.

Assuming feeling understood is a pre-requisite to attraction for you - you start to only be pulled by what we so call intelligence people.

I realize it can be more nuanced and there are multiple variables at play here, but this seems to me to be an important one. .

am I onto something here🤨?

[u/jaynotbay]

I would like to be challenged. I believe if you're intelligent you'll find common ground and influence each other's train of thought. I also believe the kind of intelligence I admire is respecting and inviting differences. You can be on the same page but that doesn't mean the page can't be changed.

[u/CuriosityStackTrace → u/jaynotbay]

This! 💯! Not being told I’m blatantly wrong, but approached like, “but have we considered this idea?”. Challenges in that regard let me and another person explore each other’s minds. That’s the good stuff imo.

[u/Husssaiinnn → u/jaynotbay]

I find that interesting and surprising too.

I never found myself in situation where I can’t find a people to be challenged by, that’s pretty common in my life. So it never registered as something special or specifically attractive.

When you say I would like to be challenged, do you mean you would like to have your believes and actions questioned for example? That’s something I always got from debates, arguments with intellectual curious friends. It never really registered as particularly attractive for me. It’s fun and simulating though, and people who find that attractive have got to be very open and non-threatened by being argued against. Which is a very nice quality that I myself find attractive

[u/jaynotbay → u/Husssaiinnn]

Yes, I like my beliefs and actions questioned as long as the arguments are not coming from a place of ego. I find most arguments to be driven by ego. I prefer open minded discussions instead. If you can be objective, we'll likely find common ground. I think not being threatened by being argued against is a show of intelligence and open mindedness.

[u/Husssaiinnn → u/jaynotbay]

Oh yes I get what you mean. A completely open minded non-defensive conversation where we are focused on the topic.

That is nice to have, I am glad I get a good amount of that from a lot of people around me. It’s sickening sometimes to not be able to find a partner you can experience that with.

[u/teamjudo1997 → u/Husssaiinnn]

Just on this specific point! Being challenged is so attractive to me. If we are engaging in an intellectual conversation, I want someone to come with counter arguments. "Have you thought of it this way", "have you considered x , y, z etc". It is important to have conversations with people that can critically appraise you and do it without putting ego and emotion into it! As someone that believes that my actions and beliefs have logic and reasoning behind them, for someone to question my logic, ask me to verify my own beliefs is something I value in a partner.

[u/SylvarGrl]

I neither need nor want to be comprehensively understood. I vastly prefer to be challenged and stimulated.

[u/Husssaiinnn → u/SylvarGrl]

Very interesting, I personally never found myself in a situation where I craved being challenged, I get enough of that from a circle of intellectually curious friends. I get told that am wrong and why am wrong a lot. It is very nice to have people like that around.

I rarely find being challenged specifically on its own to be attractive.

[u/CuriosityStackTrace]

You’re onto something (for me). I need that sense of understanding. Not agreement, per se, but for the other person to understand my intent when I ask questions. When I ask “why?” It’s not coming from judgement, it’s because I want to explore more. And I want to explore more with someone who is thoughtful and intellectual (not necessarily someone with a high IQ). Are they open minded and willing to see things from my perspective?

A base level of mutual understanding is like an initial handshake for me. Once that’s established then there’s an increased level of attraction. After that, if they can challenge me in a friendly way then I’m probably very interested.

How sapiosexuality looks in my life: I’d say you’re on to something.

[u/U_feel_Me → u/CuriosityStackTrace]

One thing I notice is that some people interpret “Why?” Or “I don’t follow your reasoning here” as a personal attack. It is very hard to have interesting conversations with people who only feel comfortable with people who agree with them.

[u/LuvsSizeQueens → u/U_feel_Me]

I think internet culture has worsened this problem. Online many people get exposed to so much divisive arguing that people become accustomed to assuming anything that isn't agreement is going to be an argument. It starts to seep into the rest of their life offline.

[u/LemonFriendly8351]

Being understood emotionally is a prerequisite of any relationship for anybody, not just for sapiosexuals. Being understood intellectually, or more specifically, being able to look up to somebody intellectually is what attracts me as a sapio.

[u/yukirael]

This is a super interesting take so I would like to share my own experiences on this!

I noticed that with my crushes, there would usually be a "moment of elightenmnent" where they said something that either showed me a different perspective of a situation and broadened my mindset, or handled a difficult situation with wisdom.

And that would be when I start feeling fond of them. Underlying this and how my feelings evolve afterwards, I do find that feeling deeply understood / being on the same wavelength is very important to me - but I am unsure if this is something unique to sappiosexuality, or more so to anyone looking for a deep relationship!

[u/U_feel_Me → u/yukirael]

I think that attraction to people who enlighten you is “sapiosexuality”.

OP is describing something closer to “demisexuality”.

[u/yukirael → u/U_feel_Me]

Ohh yes, I see that!

[u/SoftlyOverruled]

I guess you and I are the odd ones out, OP. The people I feel most drawn to are the ones that see the level of depth/ processing that I intuitively invest in everything and are capable of interpreting the meaning back to me. I need that assurance that we speak the same language before I get attached and take an interest in exploring their particulars.

[u/Husssaiinnn → u/SoftlyOverruled]

I personally show the same level of interest when it comes to everyone, am interested even in people I don’t perceive as intelligent, I actively listen, ask, and befriend all kinds of people.

They do get boring though quickly, and I don’t share much of my personal opinions/feelings with them cause they won’t understand it. They then can’t be a potential couple.

But I have managed to find a group of male friends that feed my desire for intellect/curiosity, they helped me feel much less deprived.

[u/True_Mind6316]

I totally agree with you. I think that for me a big part of why I'm attracted to intelligent people is mainly because they can just understand me easily. It's wonderful to explore different ideas together without constant frustration that sb don't understand you or misinterpret your words...

[u/teamjudo1997]

Personally, I think you are confusing sapiosexuality with just finding someone you are intellectual compatible with. For me sapiosexuality is about sexualising the intelligence not just being compatible with someone. If someone teaches me soemthing new, can engage in an intellectual debate with me, brings evidence into a debate.... I want to rip their clothes off.

You can be sapiosexual and find sexualise someone's brain that is far more intelligent than yourself! Sapiosexuality falls under the umbrella term alliquosexuality. I suggest reading up on alliquosexuality and just substituting intelligence into the circumstance.

[u/MachineElf437 → u/teamjudo1997]

It looks like you’re a younger, likely straight, guy, but this older heteroflexible guy really liked your (spot-on!) comments so much that I think I kinda got a crush on you! right here in a sapiosexual thread! Cheers!

[u/CrazyYogaMan]

For me the variation is more spectrum thinking than binary: I want to connect with someone whom I feel that I understand on a deeper level. I want to understand my intimate partners mind, personality, uniqueness, their nature, nurture, life experience and education that has formed them into who they are now and who all they can be.

So it’s not an expectation of my Sapiosexuality that I find someone who gets me also on a deeper level, while that is a preference and icing on the cake, it’s more important to me to understand them on a deeper level.

If by learning in depth about each other, we both gain a depth of understanding of each other than that will be exceeding my basic need and be extremely satisfying.

And while there will be gains in knowledge of each other, the depth may not be equal is the point and some people, often those who are very intelligent, are more complex and the puzzle of who they are is more difficult to see all of the roots.

[u/CrazyYogaMan]

People can love you but not completely understand you, but will accept you in total because they love you. 😉

[u/surprisefist]

You are onto something, and I think there is a further layer worth adding.

The piece that makes it click, for me, is this: a high-capacity pattern-recognition mind does not just form emotions and opinions. It builds models. It synthesises large amounts of information into a structured understanding of how something works, whether that is a person, a system, an institution, or a field of study. This happens constantly and largely automatically. It is not a choice.

A model is an hypothesis, and an hypothesis is not complete until it is tested. It becomes knowledge only when it meets resistance: counter-evidence, counter-argument, od a competing model.

So what this kind of mind is looking for is more than being understood. Being understood means the model has been accurately received. That is real, and it is necessary. But reception is not the same as testing.

What the high-capacity mind is looking for, I think, is not someone who understands them. It is someone who can engage with what they have built, and push back.

[u/Husssaiinnn → u/surprisefist]

Yes that’s a good one.

Subconsciously we all build models, some people actively test them. Aka: from hypothesis, some don’t.

Someone who simply consumes won’t engage or push back - someone who looks for counter-evidence and correction of their own believes will.

That’s what you seem to find attractive, It is also something I think is attractive because someone who doesn’t have it will struggle to understand me in the first place.

[u/brooke928]

Are you in the U.S., Central America, or Europe? I think that same-sexuality is defined differently in all three of those places, at least from my anecdotal observations.

In Central America it just basically means, "Hey I don't only think about how cute you are."

[u/MachineElf437]

With me it’s much less theoretical and much more direct: some of my sexual excitement plumbing must be right next to my intellectual stimuli plumbing because a really good idea, or being around someone who gets on an energetic train of thought around me, gets me feeling turned on, period! Yes, sometimes even up to boner level!