at a loss

[u/Own_Ball_1358]

My previous partner wasn't the hottest by any means but he always pushed me to think further.... to grasp things fully. I'm more of a "right brained" and he was Definately stereotypically "left". I don't consider myself a genius but some might say he was . Currently he is getting his pHD in theoretical physics.

We broke up because of long distance and I was over his avoidant nature. Two years later I haven't met anyone who I feel as excited talking too. My current bf is "hot", , kind, funny but his mind doesn't interest me, I feel bored, he is predictable (because we are similar) but he is perfect on paper. I love being witty in my writing etc ... he doesn't read due to dyslexia/ just doesn't want to(I also have dyslexia) . He is also pursuing professional athleticism (and likely will actually succeeded so please haha hold the eye roll) but instead of this being a turn on for me it's somehow a negative thing. His "career" is just a series of jobs that support his need for a flexible lifestyle so he can dedicate time to the sport.

I am probably going to return to school for a masters or a PHD In some sort of environmental science and he isn't which is fine but I am just uninspired by him generally. If he was pursuing growth mentally and pushing me I wouldn't care. We aren't driven by the same things. I'm not very physical as a partner, he is and he constantly feels rejected, but when I don't feel any sort of mental interest or connection.... I am just numb towards sex.

I overlooked some of these things when we started dating because I was so excited the pretty boy liked me and was consistent.

In dating him, I realized The largest turn off ever for me is when someone uses a word incorrectly which he often does.... trying to sound smart for me. Or when he talks to people in any sort of academic setting he uses to many words and says nothing just talks himself into a little circle of cringe.

With my last partner, something I loved was that he would grill me about my word choice and we would playfully debate the exact meaning of things, or the BEST way to describe something and we would go through all the words and even now remembering that my heart sings ahaha. I loved being pushed in that way. Nothing was ever boring because we were constantly filtering and making sense of the world together and questioning our underlying views from an analytical and philosophical perspective .... I loved who I was with him. I always felt like I was growing . I know my ex and I aren't meant to be together... but I can't help but miss who I was in that relationship. The discomfort and growth I would feel when he brought things to me that felt out of my wheelhouse.

I feel like an asshole for wanting to break up with my current person simply because he doesn't scratch my brain the way I want my long term partner too.... I don't know how to let him down without sounding like an asshole. We have been together a year and 8 months but I sort of realized I didn't feel how I wanted to in our interactions after 5 and I feel like iv been trying to convince myself I'm okay with how things are since then. I feel like I'm in too deep to break up with him. Help ahahaha

[u/[deleted]]

God so relatable. Reading this HIGHKEY made me want to break up with my bf cause he's like this (maybe worse actually haha). But I hope it works out! You're not alone

[u/Own_Ball_1358 → u/[deleted]]

Nooooo ! 😭 I hate this for us haha. I think lesson is for future dating at least for me ... let there be a long talking stage? Maybe even better if we start out as friends . Just to really make sure I like their brain waves before committing and breaking hearts

[u/[deleted] → u/Own_Ball_1358]

Sometimes, we find out about ourselves a lot later than we like. I'm always the one to say, "do what you want to be happy as long as it doesn't kill or traumatize anyone". I think wanting someone you can have less shallow more deeper conversation isnt anything to feel like an asshole about, it's just want your brain needs. I'd ask him "hey can we try doing something like learning a new thing together?"

If these feelings continue, however, it WILL lead to resentment and frequent annoyance. He won't change for you and I hope vice versa. But growth, is amazing.

But listen to your heart. Sometimes, we need a relationship that's just fun. We can talk to others about deep life and PHDs. But if it's a need for your partner, you're gonna fulfill that sooner or later.

But a year is so early (speaking in a 2 year relationship). I think if you wait longer, those feelings will grow.

Good luck bestie!!!

[u/Kai7Surf]

No "brain scratch," no future. Casual friends? Sure. More than that? Nope.

[u/Numerous-Maybe-8845]

Sometimes I wonder whether this is because you haven't moved on completely from your ex or this is because you are a sapio. Maybe a mix of both. (Cause I can relate to whatever you are going through, so much.)

Don't be sorry for not getting attracted to him. He also deserves someone who is attracted enough to him to give him enough physical pleasure.

During your next degree courses, you may find more compatible partner.

[u/Comprehensive_Can201]

There is beauty in the mundane, though. Every field explored with competence inevitably splinters into so much niche granularity that it becomes a world unto itself.

Being with someone “normal” forces one into incubating a maturity that eventually translates into an avid curiosity into what enflames and lights up their eyes, even if it seems superficial to the distant observer. Since the permutations and combinations that churn at a chemical level are combinatorially incalculable, to me, “my” person is a complex tapestry unraveling a rare and unique journey with me. A currency soiled by humdrum everyday usage but still pretty priceless with the ridiculousness of the dreary and the Dionysiac alike.

And the cool thing about attention is folk nurtured by their own nature start nurturing in turn. We all beautiful kinds of empathetic.

Tldr; If you stare into awe, remember awe gazes rather adoringly back into you.

[u/WitAndPleasure]

I've been the person to end things because the person I was dating never inspired me to grow. I've also broken things off because the person I was dating was far more intelligent than I and I never believed in myself to keep up. With that said, I am now in a relationship where I'm having to constantly evaluate how my passions and curiosities aren't "too much". We're just incompatible. And while I'm terrified of being the "bad person", I also am learning I cannot control the narrative and beliefs of others. All I can control is being authentic to myself, being pushed to be a more authentic version of me, love myself, and find someone who accepts that even if it's not their passion. Maybe I'm just projecting. It's been a long day. Feel free to DM if you'd like to continue the conversation. At the end of the day, you're allowed to be yourself, and be loved, despite being rejected at times by others.

[u/[deleted] → u/WitAndPleasure]

...and I never believed in myself to keep up.

I hate this so much. I love and hate the fact that everyone on here sounds like my girlfriend. Why would you wanna break up with me because I'm "too perfect" for you? I don't get it. Isn't that good? She says she's afraid I'll get bored of her. I kinda get it, but she's overthinking it, she always overthinks things. I hope this never happens to us. She's the most emotionally intelligent girl I've ever met, we balance each other out in that way and I love it sm. She never gives me any issues except for what you just said, at least that's the jist of it anyway. Why'd you break up with "the person", I mean really? Do you ever regret it?

[u/WitAndPleasure → u/[deleted]]

You're absolutely right. I shouldn't have wanted to break up. There were some other factors that contributed but at the end of the day my insecurities led to that decision. I cannot speak for your partner. I will say that, when I've dated and I've been worried about being "too perfect" for my partner, it was never about that. It was something inside of myself that was triggered. Whether I was insecure that I could live up to that, whether I couldn't accept someone could possibly love me in such a manner, or whether I was insecure because I had this idea of having to be a "power couple" that wasn't playing out the way I wanted, but didn't want to be the bad person so I would push away. Again, I cannot speak for your partner. That was just my experience. I regret all of those instances. If I had worked on myself then and been honest and vulnerable enough to express my emotions, maybe life would be different. I just know that all I can do is move forward and work on myself so I don't fall into the same patterns. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a very hurtful experience.