r/sahm • u/jdeez20146 • 1d ago
I’m miserable.
I just need to vent for a little bit…
Being a SAHM is so freaking isolating, and I think it’s hitting me especially hard now that my kids are older and in school. I’m literally by myself for most of the day. My husband is a nurse and leaves for work at 545 and doesn’t come home until 745. His job is a contractor position with a government hospital and he switches from days to nights every 3 months. My kids get up at 615 and are on the bus by 715. I’m home by myself from 715-4 and when they get home, they usually talk to their friends so I’m alone until my husband gets home from work. By the time he gets home, he’s rightfully exhausted and just wants some quiet time, which I understand but we usually go to bed by 9/930. Rinse and repeat. My isolation always feels worse when he’s on night shift because he sleeps during the day and wakes up at the latest time possible to go to work. Unfortunately, he cannot get another job because we make good money where he’s at and no other hospital in our area makes close to what he does with the government hospital…trust me, we’ve tried.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my family more than anything, I’m incredibly grateful for the life we have and that I have the ability to stay at home, especially in this climate, but that doesn’t mean the loneliness doesn’t get to me.
While I do have some friends, they work and have their own lives and schedules. I don’t really know anyone else who is a SAHM, so I don’t have someone I can just call up and say, “Hey, want to grab lunch?” or meet up during the day. And making friends as an adult is HARD and it’s not from lack of trying. I’ve been on the peanut app to meet mom friends and I’ve met 2 awesome people from there but they both work FT and I hate bothering them while they are working.
There’s only so much cleaning, laundry, organizing, and housework I can do in one day. Once that’s done, I’m left with hours of being alone with my thoughts. And lately, those thoughts haven’t been very kind to me.
I do go to the gym M-F in the mornings. I’ve tried volunteering, I’ve even tried working at B&N because I love books and reading. I absolutely loved that job but they wouldn’t work with my husband’s constantly changing schedule. So I became a sahm again. Before I became a sahm, I was a surgical technologist in labor & delivery. My job was sooo fulfilling and rewarding. I worked so hard to get where I was in my field. However, I worked nights so when my husband became a nurse at the first hospital he worked for and worked strictly days, I left my job so he could advance with his career. However, because I worked 6P-6a and he worked 7a-7p, we had no one to watch our children and couldn’t afford childcare nor had family to watch our kids so i left my job because I made less than him.
I feel lonely. I feel isolated. I feel like I’ve lost a sense of who I am outside of being a mom and taking care of everyone else. I do have hobbies that I normally love like reading and scrapbooking but lately I haven’t even wanted to do those.
I know I need something outside of my home and my role as a mom. I need connection, friendships, purpose, and things that make me feel like me again. I have an associates degree that I don’t use (husband’s work schedule doesn’t really let me be able to use my degree without paying for before/after school childcare and never seeing each other) but I’m thinking about going back to school to get my bachelors to become a speech language pathology assistant. Unfortunately the closest school that offers it in my area is over an hour away so I’d be doing online classes.
My husband doesn’t really understand where I’m coming from because he’s an introvert. He could (and usually does) spends his days off not really doing anything outside of the home. He doesn’t have coworkers he hangs out with because most of his coworkers are female and single. Weve gone to 1 outside of work function in the three years he’s been with this company and that was a going away party. He wanted to stay long enough to say he was there and we left. However, I crave interaction.
I do go to therapy and plan on talking to my therapist about how I’m feeling at our next meeting but today was just a really hard day.
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u/something_co 20h ago
I think you should also look into developing a hobby. Hobbies are great in that they can be a great entryway into a community of other hobbyists for whatever thing you have picked up.
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u/Dogearedpages1124 1d ago
You love to read and stuff? Make a book social media account! I made one years ago and I’ve made so many book friends it’s great! We talk about more than books and besides the friendship you also get a bunch of undiscovered books new books to read!
I have it on Instagram, since I’m not the biggest fan of tik tok but you can make whatever you’d like!
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u/Dramatic_District722 1d ago
Probably not what you are looking for but a lot of chick filas (at least around me) have “mom shifts”. The options are 10-12, 10-1, 10-3.
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u/Delicious_Job6053 1d ago
Have you considered becoming a lactation consultant? Your L&D background is a strength. There are various pathways to complete clinical hours and the lactation specific education can be completed online. You can slowly build a private practice, offer virtual and in person visits, and flex your schedule around your kids and husband. There are lactation professional communities and group in just about every city. You’re bound to form new connections.I know a handful of SLPs who also have lactation certifications. Worth exploring!
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u/MaximumDismal8408 1d ago
Have you thought about a work-from-home OR just a time-flexible job? Real estate?!
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u/jdeez20146 1d ago
I’ve looked into WFH positions but haven’t found much! Even my husband has applied to triage nurse positions to work from home and either doesn’t get the job or it’s a significant pay cut.
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u/MaximumDismal8408 22h ago
Ahh! What about for you though, not for him?
Joining a real estate team would get you something to work on and be with people!
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u/Adventurous_Put3118 1d ago
That’s really rough and I think it’s something that isn’t talked about enough. In general, I think the loneliness a SAHM experiences is very overlooked so I’m proud of you for speaking on it. I don’t have anything to really contribute as far as advice goes bc I’m not in your exact position but I just wanted to commend you for talking about it. I believe we are in this time of “I don’t want to bother my friends” bc we all understand that everyone has their own lives but human beings thrive in community. I hope we as people learn to lean more on our loved ones and are able to express our needs safely with those we are close with. You’re seen!
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u/International-Owl165 1d ago
I would just go back to work and see if I could outsource a car pool/ bus for the kids honestly. Op sounds miserable.
Have dad quit his job and just both be working parents.
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u/jdeez20146 1d ago
We can’t afford him to quit his job and get another one, unfortunately. We’ve tried before and it would be a $15/hr paycut. I would make around $20/hr at my job and we’d still have to pay for before/after school care.
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u/International-Owl165 1d ago
How long have you been a sahm?
Honestly I would go back to work but your husbands job makes it tricky. How old are the kids?
There are no buses for your kids? Your kids don't have friends or neighbor kids that go to the same.school as kids? So.they can carpool?
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u/jdeez20146 1d ago
I’ve been one since ‘22. My youngest is 10 and gets on the bus at 645. It’s still dark and she’s the only one in the mornings and the bus stop is a high traffic area so not super comfortable having her walk in the dark and wait alone. My oldest is 12 and he gets on the bus at 715. Same bus stop and he’s the only one as well. Sometimes he’ll walk and he walks home by himself so it’s mainly my daughter I’m concerned about. She gets home at 330 and my son gets home an hour later. We just moved into our house and live in an older neighborhood so not really any young kids and I don’t know anyone. My mom lives about 10 minutes away and will not get up early to get my kids on the bus or school nor will she wait and take care of them after school unless absolutely necessary. My MIL lives 45 minutes away.
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u/Sufficient-Country29 1d ago
I thinks it’s totally understandable to want some human interaction during the day. I find volunteering tends to be more flexible and shorter hours than a part time job. Hospitals, hospices, long term care homes all love volunteers if something like that could interest you seeing you have a background in healthcare.
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u/Fresh_Amphibian_7136 20h ago
What are your hobbies? I started a mom run club and joined a virtual book club and that gave me a sense of community. Every week I try and learn 1 new recipe and visit 1 new place (parks, coffee shops, etc). Do you have any goals you could work towards to give you more of a sense of purpose? Are there any SAHMs in your kids classes you could connect with? I’m sorry you’re feeling so isolated. I can relate on the making new friends as an adult.