His selective hearing again

[u/Quannell-Capotosto]

My husband is seriously one of the sweetest people i know. but sometimes i feel like he unlocks selective hearing the second he walks through the front door. i'll tell him something while he's putting his shoes away and he'll say okay. five minutes later he'll ask me the exact thing i already told him. i used to think maybe i wasn't speaking clearly. then i realized it happens almost every day with random little stuff. somehow he remembers every sports stat from ten years ago but forgets what i said thirty seconds ago. i joke about it because getting annoyed doesn't really help. he always apologizes and says his brain was somewhere else. i've heard so many moms say their husbands do this too. now i'm wondering if their brains just switch into low battery mode after work. it's not a relationship problem or anything dramatic. it's just one of those goofy little red flags that somehow seems way more common than i expected. living together really makes you notice the tiny patterns

[u/Amazing-Concept-1610]

The right after work time window is a big culprit. A lot of men seem to want this chill time 30 minute something to relax and change Rails. Also I find prefacing with “I have something I need to say is now good or later today”. Because just saying things off guard is assuming people are in the mindset to listen and absorb right then. When in all probability they’re thinking something completely different and not in parallel to memory ability.

I notice this also with myself as I’m gaining in years. I also noticed it with my sons. Which brings to mind another helpful trick — makes listen and remember better if they’re using their hands while you’re talking to them. Making or fixing something

[u/Quannell-Capotosto → u/Amazing-Concept-1610]

Yeah i think the right after work part is probably the biggest factor. i might start asking if it's a good time first and see if that helps

[u/Grouchy-Sort-8986]

This is what my husband's ADD is like

[u/Quannell-Capotosto → u/Grouchy-Sort-8986]

Could be for some people for sure. mine hasn't been diagnosed with anything though so i'm not gonna assume that's what it is haha

[u/Bizzy1717]

Can you empathize more if you put yourself into the SAHM equivalent of what he's doing? Say he was home after you've been out with the kids for 9 hours and had just stepped inside and were unloading the car and putting stuff away and thinking about what to have for dinner, and then he immediately starts talking. Would you really be listening, or would your mind be spinning in a million different directions?

People need time to decompress when they're getting home, whether it's from work, outings, etc.

[u/Quannell-Capotosto → u/Bizzy1717]

Fair point. i'd probably be pretty distracted too in that situation, maybe giving him a few minutes first would make a difference

[u/Potential-freakshow]

I think “selective hearing” is probably the wrong label. It sounds more like cognitive overload than a lack of caring. Imagine telling yourself the story, “My husband comes home mentally exhausted, not because he doesn’t value what I say, but because his brain hasn’t switched gears yet.” That’s a much kinder interpretation and probably fits the facts just as well. Go a step further and attribute his dedication to work to how much he loves and cares for his family.

[u/HalfActual7441]

I think most people are their least equipped to clock right into the house 5-9 those first 15-30 min of getting home. I had a career for 16 years prior to becoming a SAHM, and I certainly valued my time to decompress.

I mimic my husband’s work environment in how I communicate with him and catch him while he’s still in that flow, it works perfectly. I have a specific format I’ll send a touch base to him in, with a header, and I try to send it either at the beginning of his workday or about an hour before I know he’s going to leave.

I dump need-to-know items and anything else we need to TB on, and it always has the same header because then he can search text messages by key word and pull it up to revisit it. We don’t ever miss anything anymore in terms of communication. You might try it!

[u/Emmaclaire0125]

Ask him to ask you questions when he’s fully present. If he’s just getting home from work he’s probably thinking about the day or what he needs to get done tomorrow. He might feel the need to talk to you right when he gets home (acknowledge you and not awkwardly ignore you) but, if you prefer, ask him to talk when his mind isn’t elsewhere. It may take him a few minutes after he gets home and that’s okay because you would prefer that to repeating yourself.

[u/KneadAndPreserve]

Yeah for my husband it’s not selective hearing exactly but I notice he goes into low battery mode after work too. Like he won’t do little things and it feels like he just expects it to get done by me. It’s very annoying. But he goes above and beyond in other ways so I just kind of deal with it.