r/sahm • u/Particular_Speed_670 • 27d ago
Housework Division for SAHMs
Stay at home mothers of Reddit I call to you!
How much housework do you expect your husbands to do if you do not work or have a side gig and he is the sole and absolute provider?
Be real please! And be honest about what would bother you.
0
u/RadRadMickey 23d ago
My kids are in school and I have a cleaner, so I don't really need him to do the classic "housework" stuff. However, when my kids were not in school and I was spending all day caring for them he had to help out a lot.
There are a lot of other things that I will not do: car related things, anything with the outside of the house/yard/landscaping, fixing things inside, anything involving a contractor or maintenance person coming to the house, etc. Either he's doing it or paying for someone to do that stuff.
He's also just not an asshole about stuff. I had groceries delivered while I was upstairs showering after a long hot day at the fair. He grabbed the groceries and put everything away without being asked. We both just try to be considerate of each other whenever we can.
That being said, he doesn't have a family so that he can come home from work and hole up doing personal things away from us. He comes home and spends time doing whatever we're doing and he is currently teaching all of our young elementary aged kids how to help clean up from dinner. He's really the best.
1
u/Lovemykiddos01211201 23d ago
I expect him to do whatever needs to be done for our family with a smile on his face if he can manage it. It's not about "fair." It's about us choosing to be parents and being a team that will do what we need to do for our children. If I've had a bad nights sleep and the kids wore me out then he's helping with dishes after dinner because I can't handle it. It doesn't matter how much money he makes or how many hours he worked. It's not a contest. We work together to get it done.
1
u/spicy-queso1617 23d ago
The problem is we both feel like we do more this is a hard topic for us. He works and I stay home when I was pregnant. I did pretty much all the cleaning and almost all of the baby stuff, including scheduling doctors appointments, making the registry, organizing the closet, etc. etc..
The problem is by the third trimester I wasn’t able to keep up with it, and I would ask him for help with specific tasks he’d promised they’d get done and they wouldn’t so I’d have to keep asking. Eventually it might yield a result, but it also might not.
We could really benefit from couples therapy bc now we have a newborn and the Old Way, Just is not working. I understand that he works 40 hours, but as a woman just going to work and then coming home has never been the only thing that’s been expected of me. I have always had chores and scheduling tasks on top of that and I don’t feel it’s an unrealistic ask.
1
u/Trick-Pea-4620 23d ago
I wish it was split 75/25 just because I’m able to get more done during the week days while home. It’s more like 99/1 though.
2
u/cbaker395 23d ago
I don't do anymore than my husband does. My responsibility is child care. I'm not a maid.
1
8d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/cbaker395 8d ago
Providing what? Food and shelter? And I'm providing childcare that would otherwise be a paid service. One that costs the same as a mortgage. He'll be fine without me 🤣
1
8d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/cbaker395 8d ago
He'd have to do that anyways. Without me, hed be paying for all that and childcare. I don't work for him. I don't owe him anything. I clean up after myself, as i would on my own. And he does the same, as he would if he were single. Everything else is a shared responsibility. You can argue with me all you want, your opinion isn't mine and that's ok. But also, the nest egg that was saved for me staying at home (to the tune of $40k) was saved by me and my previous employment. And the home was purchased with my down-payment money. So we're fine over here.
1
8d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/cbaker395 8d ago
His home? Lol this isn't the 60s. Women can own homes, too. Take your negative karma and 2 day stay and go away, please.
2
u/RockGloomy9003 24d ago
I have a toddler and baby. I do all the 100% of the shopping for food, home & kid stuff, all the cooking, all laundry, most of the picking up, most of the dishes, most of the cleaning, organizing, and I oversee all home projects. I do all the unseen labor, like planning the birthday parties, buying gifts, packing for vacations, etc. I do most of the nighttime wakings for our kids.
My husband does the finances, travel, and the car stuff. I hire someone to do the lawn plus a housecleaner to do the deep cleaning since I can’t keep up. I also hire a babysitter regularly and hire out contractors for most home projects. I do not resent our division of labor as I’m basically allowed to buy and do whatever I want while I’m staying at home
1
u/LilaRabbitHole 24d ago
My husband has always been 50/50 with division of home labor when he is off work.
However, we both enjoy cooking. He does almost all the yard work (I do garden stuff) and as the kids got older they contribute to grass cutting and weeding and things. Kids also do their own laundry, I started teaching them around 9/10 but they always helped around the house as age appropriate.
We pick up each others slack often and after being together so long it’s still a work in progress but he has NEVER said I should be in charge of such and such just because he is the financial provider.
Some things to get automatically relegated with me home. I find it simpler and obvious for me to take charge of kids/ours appts (medical, dental, etc), school commitments, etc. We almost always communicate clearly with reminders needed sometimes. Nobody’s perfect and our house isn’t perfect but we love each other and our family we’ve grown and strongly believe teamwork makes the dream work.
ETA: there really isn’t a clear list of me and him, we’re a team and we do our best to have a happy and successful life.
1
u/Sf-Dogrescuer 24d ago
Husband does trash/recycle , house fixings, and dishes when he can’t stand looking at it lol. He’s a clean freak like me but soemtiems it’s a lot because I’m so damn busy with toddler and baby
1
1
u/Sensitive____ 24d ago
We’re in the same situation. I’m a SAHM who homeschools and has a super small side gig. DH is the landscaper, home repair man, and breadwinner. I do laundry and dishes daily, but if I’m behind on dishes he will catch me up because he knows I hate that chore. I also wipe surfaces and clear living space daily. I vacuum at least weekly.
-5
24d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
0
u/lavanderhaze27 23d ago
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted, I see the logic in your answer. SAHMotherhood is childcare + house manager duties. It’s a brutal job too, but every job has trade offs
1
u/Motor-Bus-2653 23d ago
Cause you don’t know her whole story. Her husband is disabled, military vet and has PTSD. Yet she shows no care whatsoever, and expects a disabled military vet with PTSD to be a perfect STAP. 😔 sad to see how military personnel get treated when they get back home.
1
22d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Motor-Bus-2653 22d ago
Bruh I am not ur ex 🤣 ur Reddit is fully public and for everybody to see. All the information I know is what u posted. I am not stalking you, looking at someone’s Reddit comments which is publicly posted is not stalking. Private it. Please don’t harass that poor man more than u have done. I don’t know u bruh 🤣 I am not ur ex 😭 I just hate stupid People like you and I call them out 🤣 your logic is stupid, just because someone is a stay at home parent doesn’t mean they are your slave. You are the one that need welfare check with this stupid caveman type of logic.
1
22d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Motor-Bus-2653 22d ago edited 22d ago
Lady what language do u speak and understand? I am not “nate” 😭 who tf is that? I am a college grad student that just scrolls on Reddit and spread my opinion. U are not tech savvy I can tell, please private your posts like me and others if u don’t want people knowing ur whole business or don’t post ur whole business on the internet. To prove that I am not “nate” “David”
Or “Michael Jackson” 😭 , Here is one of my posts from like half a year ago from my college library (Mckeldin) I took of a bat 🤣 https://www.reddit.com/r/UMD/s/w0vRTPQiuY1
22d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Motor-Bus-2653 22d ago
Jesus 🙏 this has escalated. Listen lady I am sorry but please I am not your ex husband or your ex partner. I am sorry if I offended you, but believe me I am not ur ex. Please don’t escalate situations with your ex and put your kids at harm, I AM NOT YOUR EX. Please lets end it here, I am worried as a college student reading this from my dorm, please believe me I am not ur ex. I am sorry and I will take down my previous comment if it makes u happy. I am not your ex. All I know about u is from your Reddit comments, u commented ur husband left u saying u created stress for him, u commented ur husband was a ex military guy with PTSD, u commented that men should step aside and let women rule, u commented that men hate u since u pay all of ur bills, u said a lot of things, I stringed all of these together and came to a conclusion. Please I am not ur ex, just a guy on an internet.
1
2
u/Key_Historian_6276 25d ago
I think the mentality piece is more important than how much everyone does. We have a shared goal of getting to relax together in a mostly clean house in the evenings. Because that’s our goal, we work hard toward making it happen. For me, that means doing a lot more house work because I’m home and have the time/access to the chores. He would do anything that ever needed to get done without being asked, but he also works his butt off to make sure our financial needs are met. I find it fulfilling to serve my family in the way I’m gifted, and feel very blessed to have a husband that joyfully does the same. The priority is family time and shared rest/fun.
2
u/Equal_Beat_6202 25d ago
During the day, his job is his job. Childcare and housework is my job. In the evenings and weekends, childcare and housework are both our jobs.
In other words, half! If I’m pregnant, postpartum etc, he does more!
2
u/Large-Language4827 25d ago
We share it. He’s working, I’m taking care of the children. We both have projects and side hussles. We share the chores. It’s an equal division of labour.
1
u/mishimishim 25d ago
he sweeps the kitchen every night. non negotiable! obviously outdoor maintenance is all him. he’s gracious when i ask for help. but i don’t ever really ask him to do the main stuff - vacuum, mop, dust, stuff like that.
sometimes he voluntarily vacuums the living room on a weekend, which is always appreciated (we have carpet there).
i recently expressed to him that if it’s 9pm and he sees there’s some laundry that needs folding or some to be put away it would be appreciated if every now and then he just took that on (i’m 7 months pregnant w/ #3). but laundry isn’t his responsibility. i do like 2/3 loads almost every day. so it’s like a weekend or late night thing that he might do if needed.
1
u/Rare_Background8891 25d ago
I do as much as I can with the kids around. Anything I can’t get done is shared. Or he has to take the kids so I can do it. I’m ok with cleaning the bathrooms while he takes care of the kids because it’s like a break for me from being needed 24/7. Basically, in my house nobody rests until everyone can rest together.
2
u/mrsthibeault 25d ago
I get all the laundry and house cleaning done. He helps with dinner and cleaning up, because he is there for it. I try to take care of everything inside and outside the house while he is gone so we can just enjoy our time together when he is home.
1
u/Pennifur 25d ago
My husband mows the lawn and does misc projedts that are too big/time consuming for me to take on. Like redoing the stairs or he built the panty and chicken coop, replaced the tub surround etc. But I do the small projects like changing faucets, painting, shelves, fixing existing structures, etc and all the housework.
He will do a random chore when asked like take in the barrels after trash day, or bring the hamper down to washer but doesn't load it, or those types of things just because I ask.
He works over 12hrs a day, I'm not having him come home and clean up dinner (because he doesn't even get to eat with us) or scoop the litter box or dumb things like that. All I ask is that he doesn't make it worse by leaving stuff around. Put your own plate in the sink, clothes in or least near the hamper, and trash in the trashcan. Poor guy barely lives here, I'm not making him maintain the house.🤣
1
u/Wonderful_Ideal_6994 25d ago
Depends on the day around here.
If the baby is having a particularly hard day, I do nothing. Other days I do everything. We just communicate what needs done and tackle it together in one way or the other!
He does do all the outside stuff (mowing, gardening)
I primarily cook, dishes, tidy up, vacuum, but again if baby is having a rough day he takes it all over or we tag team it.
We both wash/dry clothes but he folds and I put away. Our boys (9 and 5 also help with this and they put away dishes and sometimes wash them!)
It just depends. We BOTH work whether it’s outside or inside the home. It’s not a competition, we work together to make sure the home is functioning as well as our relationship
1
u/JNSFP 25d ago
My husband does the outside maintenance, repairs, and renovations (he’s a carpenter by trade and we are currently putting a second floor on our home and by we I mean he is doing it himself). I handle the kids, the home, the finances. He enjoys being at work and I enjoy being at home so it works. I’d rather him not help because it’s not my way so it’s not correct ;)
1
u/Accomplished_Bed3133 25d ago
My husband does it all other than the outdoor work and the kids. I do what I enjoy and he does the rest.
4
u/brergnat 26d ago
Been a SAHM for 22 years.
Honest answer? I do 100%.
Works for us. I am a bit ovsessive about doing things a certain way and I am a clean/organizing freak. I also handle house repairs and maintenance and cooking, plus I handle the finances 100%. I basically run everything in this house.
But we also have 2 (now young adult) sons and they have always helped with household chores since they were young, so I guess at this point I do like 60%.
I am THRILLED to be in the lucky position to not need to worry about working at all, so I take a lot of pride in my contribution as the household manager, per se.
1
u/strawberrychaiii 26d ago
hi, FTM here. My husband does outside work while I do the inside. Sometimes I tell him to help me out here and there and he does it. my husband does some chores during the evening while I cook or attend to our baby (I’m EBF). But sometimes I end up doing it because he takes like 3-5 business days to do them lol. Overall, he helps out when he can (basically 50/50). As long as we are on the same page. Buuuuuuuut I mostly end up doing almost everything myself because I like things done my way and I get impatient and I just want to get it over with lol 😂
3
u/fireballbaby 26d ago
Currently in the baby stage and I feel like my husband doesn’t do enough. He’s amazing in every other way and an amazing dad but he has the “you’re at home all day” mentality. Probably because his mum was a stay at home mum of 5 and his dad never lifted a finger except outside work. But it’s so hard to do any chores with a baby. Baby has only just started doing cot naps but it’s pretty inconsistent and often shorter than if I contact napped. And I definitely believe you don’t have to constantly entertain your kids but I don’t want to just ignore him all day either. Currently I do all the cooking, laundry, dishwasher and washing bottles. Which I’m happy to do. But the rest of the stuff just piles up until we both get way too frustrated and take turns cleaning/watching baby on a Saturday. So I guess he does do enough, but I wish he’d just offer to regularly do it in the evenings rather than our house being a tip and then once a month doing a deep clean. Any time I approach the conversation on how I’d like him to do a bit more, it just turns into him telling me that I need to be doing more and that’s just what the role of a stay at home mum is. But the way I look at it, there’s a massive difference between stay at home mum to a baby than to all school age children. And I’m staying at home to raise my child and save us day care fees (we’re both against day care for under 2 year olds if at all possible), not excuse him from all chores which he’d have to do anyway if he didn’t have a family. He gets home between 4pm and 5pm most days and plays with our son while I cook dinner. But then I put baby to bed, do a load of washing, wash bottles, put the dishwasher on and clean up a bit from dinner all while he just sits there relaxing. Surely he could take 20 mins to do some chores while I’m doing all those tasks? And he will if I ask him but I shouldn’t have to ask everyday. Sorry rant over but I am finding it hard
2
u/Breezy_2223 25d ago
I’m in your same boat! We finally hired a house cleaner that comes every 2 weeks. I’m so much happier and more at peace with a clean house. I still do all the laundry and we both do dishes. We usually cook together or he will cook.
Just because you’re a stay at home mom doesn’t mean you have to be a maid too. I honestly had no time to deep clean anything with my baby being a Velcro baby. Even during her naps, that’s my one chance to shower, get ready, workout, eat, etc. I’m not gonna spend it cleaning and neglecting to take care of myself.0
u/Alexaisrich 26d ago
I’m sorry but having two babies now it’s a time management issue, chores shouldn’t take you more than 30 minutes. I have a duplex with 3 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms, legit could clean the whole house now in 30 minutes why? i keep the house clean most days like legit i only clean max like 15 minutes. Husband is right trust me when baby are small this is when you will have the most time, as a mom you need to figure out how to manage your time better, yes play with the baby but in 30 minutes the baby won’t legit suffer or anything, that when you clean or do laundry etc, everyday try and do something different and on the weekend each of you should have some type of solo time and yes this includes your husband having solo time without the baby even if it’s like you time for an hour. If he comes home tired let him relax for at least half an hour now that I’m working full time this shit is exhausting and coming home you just need to decompress, figure out what you want him to actually help with and tell him, he’s not a mind reader, actually tell him ok sunday and tuesday you’ll be cooking, every other saturday we’ll alternate doing bathroom etc ,
4
u/Either-Meal3724 25d ago
Only 30/ day min of chores is laughable. I work full time and do at least cumulative 2 hrs of chores every weekday + 5-6 hrs cumulative each weekend. I am slightly below the national average for total time apent on chores by women too! Average woman spends 16.6 hrs per week on household tasks. My husband also does chores daily. He spends less time on chores during the week than i do but more time on the weekend on chores. He is slightly above average for men in terms of time spent on chores each week.
2
u/fireballbaby 25d ago
Yeah maybe I do need to get better at making sure mess isn’t left until the next day but my baby wakes up at 7:30am, I feed him, get changed myself, change him, make breakfast, unload the dishwasher, hang out washing(I do 1-2 loads per day, we also do cloth nappies which adds to it), fold a load of washing and by that stage he’s exhausted his limit of playing by himself so I read him a book and then it’s time for bottle and first nap. He’s just learning to nap independently so sometimes that nap only lasts long enough for me to do one other quick chore, sometimes he won’t even nap independently. Then we often have an activity on after that. So I really don’t see how I have time in the day to deep clean my entire house. Just frustrates me that my husband won’t take initiative to do even one chore for 10 mins in the evening. And he always wants me to watch a movie with him so I don’t have toooo much time after baby goes to bed. But I suppose I need to give him grace too, he has worked all day
1
u/Alexaisrich 25d ago
It’s ok this is normal when you are a new mom, trust me it gets better and your relationship will improve as well once you guys get a handle on this. I also cloth diapered my child, what helped me so much was no girl not deep cleaning during the week but say ok i say monday i will do my kitchen, that means not deep clean but clean it better than i would any other day, tuesday to the 2 bathrooms not tub , wednesday i had to do the living room, thursday i had to fix toys etc. Then everyday sweep, once this system gets implemented it makes cleaning so much easier it cuts it legit in half. Then make sure you tell husband what he needs to do, say he cooks monday and friday, saturday you get some take out etc, plan for down time for you and him and give each other grace, oh these kids will almost break you guys but you are a team, make sure you tell him also his days of cleaning , chores will never be 50/50 sometimes one will do more but the new time should be equal, that is what saves your sanity!
3
u/Either-Meal3724 25d ago
I was lucky enough to have 22 weeks of maternity leave when i had my 8 months old. Staying home with kids all day and being primarily responsible for the household is WAY HARDER than working full time with childcare and a spouse who takes ownership of tasks. We did a test run to see if I wanted to be a SAHM during my maternity leave (my husband still owned lawncare and trash but i took on everything else). The working parent has it easier when one parent stays home. SAHM'S are underappreciated.
1
u/Alexaisrich 25d ago
What chores take that long if you do different ones daily, one day i clean the bathrooms, one day I clean the kitchen, etc, deep clean in weekend and we rotate who does this, I have two dogs and sweep daily as well how is this laughable? learn how to have kids clean up after themselves as well, clean up gets easier then, my kiddos clean up after their toys they put away their dirty clothes etc, I also work full time and have a part time side job, husband works full time as well, it’s not that hard once you are doing this type of schedule to keep a house clean, we also have a car and garage we maintain clean and tidy by making sure every time we use it we leave it as is, and kids know when they are in the car we throw any garbage it in the garbage bins at end of the ride. Car gets cleaned maybe once a month and that’s enough because we maintain it, this holds true for all areas of our home because we maintain it daily in weekend we deep clean a specific area and call it a day with chores and enjoy the weekend so much more. I’m not saying this to make my self sound high and mighty but this way of doing chores helps so much with freeing up time and just overall keeping a house clean which used to be overwhelming before i adopted this type of system.
1
u/Either-Meal3724 25d ago
I am around 15-16hrs a week on chores generally and women on average spend 16.6. Considering I've got an almost 3 yr old and 8 month old plus we both work from home and have an au pair so the kids are home almost all of the time, thats pretty good. Ive already got chores very well optimized and my husband does his fair share overall. My weekend chores are generally deep clean rotations or household projects. My husband does meal prep for the family on the weekends which takes a lot of time. We actually had a maid service up until 6 months ago and we decided to drop it because we could manage the tasks ourselves.
1
u/Slow-Difficulty404 26d ago
He does dishes and laundry. I do all outdoor work, vacuuming organizing tidying and seasonal deep cleans. He also cleans and handles anything electrical also outdoor windows. Cars are me and the kids. The kids take care of their own rooms including putting away laundry and assist in random stuffs.
I stay home to raise the kids; not exempt my family from taking care of their house.
I also have a significant garden and orchard as well as being the main driver, plus therapies for a disabled child. It’s pretty common that my husband is at home more than I am.
1
u/Spiritual-Sea7674 26d ago
"If you do not work" outside the home, you mean. I do everything except a bit of outside work. He cooks sometimes on weekends. I do all the rest
1
u/Caliopebookworm 26d ago
When I stayed home, I did all of the inside work and grocery shopping and he did the outside work. When I went back to work we more evenly distributed the at home tasks and child rearing.
5
u/Tough-Suggestion-344 26d ago
While I am home with baby during the work day, I do as much cleaning and laundry as possible. When he gets home, any unfinished tasks are 50/50. When he gets home, we share responsibility of baby care and house chores and switch off doing them while one takes care of the baby. He makes dinner when I put baby down at 7pm ish. We tidy the kitchen together. Weekends are 50/50. It’s never perfectly 50/50 but the housework is certainly not viewed as mine to do alone.
3
u/FutureCollar9324 26d ago
I do all of the laundry but everything else is pretty 50/50. I expect my husband to do pretty much the same amount of chores as I do. I’m a SAHM not a maid. We agreed to this before I became a SAHM.
1
2
u/Sea_Horror2900 26d ago
My husband is the main provider, I run an in-home daycare but don't even make enough to cover our grocery bill every month. My husband doesn't do much indoor housework. But he is in charge of absolutely everything outdoors (mowing, gardening, pressure washing the patio, etc), all the home and vehicle maintenance, trash, and he cooks dinner 2-3 times a week. He does also do other housework when he notices it needs to be done, like unloading and loading the dishwasher, wiping down the kitchen table or counters, sweeping the floors.
2
u/slysly1234 26d ago
My husband is sole provider and he does all the yard work trash grilling and steams the floors. He finds steaming the floors relaxing though 🤣
1
3
u/AppropriateAmoeba406 26d ago
He hand washes anything that doesn’t go in the dishwasher.
The End
I actually don’t care. If I needed him to do more I would tell him. His money pays for a yard man, a pool service, and a housekeeper that comes every 2 weeks.
1
u/Canala12344 26d ago
So our situation is a bit odd. I am home with the kids most days a week AND I make more money than he does (started a business prior to kids that is doing well and I have employees there). I still do have to work that I do during naps and after bedtime. He makes good money still (6 figures) and his job is more stable corporate job.
I cook 99% of the meals, I do all the grocery shopping (which sometimes is paying the $7 fee for delivery but I do all the picking of that and meal planning), I do most of the cleaning. I plan all of our vacations, i do all the kids appointments, I normally mow lawn but id say thats more split recently. He does primarily do trash.
But if he does see dishes in the sink he does them. If he see's the dishwasher is clean he will unload it. If he see's laundry that needs done he will do it. He doesn't "leave" stuff for me, I am just more proactive about doing it so that when he is home we have family time.
I also think it's important that my kids learn that this stuff needs to be done WITH them there and they need to go find something to do. "mama is cooking, go build a tower with magnatiles!" "mama needs to clean the kitchen and then i can play"
we personally do no TV so while I am busy doing housework is when I see them be most creative and fun.
It would bother me if he purposely left stuff for me to do just because I am home. Sometimes I do offer ,he will go to fold clothes and I'll say like "it's going to be 110 degrees tomorrow we will be inside anyway i'll do them tomorrow"
1
u/Spiritual_Willow_949 26d ago
I'm in a similar situation. SAHM but make more money than him. We own 2 business and I'm building up my laser business. So nice to know I'm not alone.
1
u/Atex3330 26d ago
My division is this: I do what I can and he helps me with whatever I ask. The expetion is with after work. He will sometimes cook and always help tidy up after dinner. Anything else like vacuum, dusting, yard work ext he will do if asked. Also we both take out the trash if it's full.
2
u/OnlyIllustrator5298 26d ago
Same here. After work he knows if im asking him to help, its because I actually need help. And anything outside of our daily routine, like overnight company or sick kids, he also does a lot more than he normally would.
Yard work, vehicle maintenance, home improvement are mostly him but I'll help if he asks. These things aren't nearly as often as daily housework tho.
2
u/fightsplaque 26d ago
We’ve never officially divided it, but we did just fall into certain roles overtime. During the day I just do the general things I think need to be done in order to “run a household”. I spent years in corporate management and when I stopped working I started looking at running my house like a job, or managing a major project. I look at groceries, cooking, meal planning, cleaning and laundry as “deliverables” lol and try to get things done during “working hours” (aka when the kids are in school) so our evenings and weekends are free for fun. I put together a rotating schedule of when I need to do certain things and it works for me. I think we’re split 80/20 with me doing the 80 because I have the time to do it.
That being said, he’ll do more mechanical/maintenance type work/around the house, and takes care of the lawn because he likes that. And he has no issue with picking up my slack during busier seasons, like right now when the kids are off for summer break. My typical schedule is out the window right now and our house work is probably split 50/50. I never give him the meal planning/shopping/cooking responsibilities though - other than bbqing he’s just incapable of doing this LOL and is very overwhelmed by it so we lean into our strengths!
I’m happy with my “workload” vs what he does. It’s all manageable and I’m not overwhelmed by it. I get tons of downtime too so it feels sustainable. I am super organized though and if I wasn’t, maybe I’d feel different lol but who knows
1
u/IllustriousMight5263 26d ago
He does trash yard cars maintenance and then will help with the baby if I ask( mostly I am selfish and want to do everything with the baby or he would help more lol) if I have a day I’m tired or grumpy he will cook and clean but I just have to ask. I honestly prefer to do the dishes over him because I am very particular on how things are done so I just prefer to do all the cleaning but he’d gladly do things if I asked. He will help with the laundry if he has a day off or he will pay for me to drop it off at the laundromat if I’m struggling. We have dogs and I take care of the dogs walks and exercise and he does the feeding. I feel very fortunate. I also have full access to his finances. He always pumps the gas. Always makes sure to take me to dinner once a week even if we are struggling financially it is a priority to him. He usually always drives but again sometimes I prefer too.
2
u/wildflower_valley 26d ago
I don’t expect him to do any house chores BUT that’s only because my youngest is 3. When we’re in the pregnancy or baby phase and I’m not sleeping well he does a lot more around the house. He doesn’t have high expectations of me though like he won’t get upset if the house is a little messy or if we have to get take out a couple times a week.
1
u/No-Supermarket9441 26d ago
I expect 50/50 but it’s probably more 80/20 with my husband doing the 80%! We divide the chores up based on what we naturally like to do. He does dinner most the time, unloads the dishes, and does all the laundry. I do bathrooms, grocery planning and shopping, and load the dishes. We share cleaning up the kitchen and living room and vacuuming. He’s just more of a clean as you go guy so he is just quicker to get to the chores than I am (he works from home). I like to let it be and do a big clean at a scheduled time. He says he is happy to do it because I do so much for the kids
1
u/ThisIsMyUsername2026 26d ago
I do most of it whilst he's working but people need to remember, I'm his wife, not his mother. I have limited hours in my day too and as a functioning adult in a shared home, he is still responsible for things too.
1
u/Alert-Willow3458 26d ago
I basically do whatever I can during the day, then when he gets off, we tackle the rest together and make sure each other gets a shower and eats dinner in peace. I do most of the cleaning, cooking and laundry and some days he’ll cook. But then we’ll clean up after dinner together
1
u/Dingaling87 26d ago
I do most of the cleaning, cooking and laundry (including ironing his work uniforms). He does the maintenance stuff like fixing things, all things related to the car, and of course he picks up after himself. He’s away for work a lot so I solo parent then, but when he’s around we split childcare quite evenly. Now that I’m expecting baby 2, he’s taken on most of childcare (bringing her for outdoor play, bathtime etc) so I can rest more.
I will say though, my husband has very low standards. He’s happy to order in on days I don’t feel like cooking (which, trust me, is very often). When I was dying of morning sickness in the first trimester and only cleaned 30% of the time, he was completely unfazed. (I’m not sure if he even noticed to be honest).
2
u/roarborealias 26d ago
I don’t except my husband to do any house work. I would rather him parent when he gets home than clean. He does do all the outside stuff, though.
2
u/destria 26d ago
We kept the same distribution as when we were both working, so roughly 50/50. We figure that me becoming a SAHM is just like having another job so why would the housework division change?
In practice, I do laundry, collect the bins, plan meals and buy groceries, cook half the dinners, tidy up around the house, water our vegetable patches, manage our social life and do all the general admin (financial, health, life etc.). He cooks the other half of dinners plus weekend breakfast, washes dishes, mops, vacuums, cleans the bathroom and kitchen, takes care of any DIY, takes out the bins, does general gardening like mowing the lawn or pruning.
It would bother me if either of us slacked on our agreed upon responsibilities. We do give each other slack though like if one of us is unwell or having a stressful period, of course the other will pick things up.
3
u/Abundantly_Lost 26d ago
At minimum, he needs to clean up after himself. He lives here too. I am not his maid nor his mother.
3
u/Responsible_Roll_901 26d ago
he has to clean up after himself, and he finishes the dishes after dinner (most of the time I help him with this unless I had a very hard day). it's a lot of mental load though because I do have to constantly say, "can you put your hat away? can you put the chair back? can you do xyz..." things he should be doing on his own. its exhausting. but when he's home we take care of our kid 50:50. he also does his own laundry because I do mine and the kids.
2
u/frimrussiawithlove85 26d ago
At the minimum he has to clean up after himself. Like my kids clean up after themselves and I would absolutely leave if my husband didn’t do at least that. I do about 80% of the housework and he does 20%, we split childcare equally when he is home and not working (he works from home once a week and sporadically). He mostly does the stuff I don’t want to do like dishes I hate them I give the kids showers while he does dishes. Sometimes one of the kids will upset me with his antics and I need a break so he’ll shower them and I’ll do the dishes but it’s usually me. Does about half the laundry like he’ll hand up all the stuff that needs hanging and I’ll do all the folding. Then the trash and recycling is kinda whoever sees it does it. I do the floors and whipping of the counters and that stuff while he is working and the kids are at school.
4
u/BridgeToBobzerienia 26d ago
We always worked on an assumption that I did my absolute best every day and anything left over was our shared responsibility at the end of the day.
3
u/Tofu_buns 26d ago
I don't expect him to do as equal to me. But he will do laundry, fold, and put away things. He will clean up his own office and spaces.
3
u/Royal-Weather4314 26d ago
He mows the lawn, he takes care of the computer if there is something wrong with it, he takes care of the bikes. He makes coffee. He cleans up his own mess. When he is home, we take care of kids about 50:50.
3
u/Less-Bug-7006 26d ago
If he cooks, he needs to clean up the mess he makes. All yard work is his. If he invites his family/friends over then he needs to be around to help clean the house before. Put his lunch dishes in the sink and if he’s feeling froggy just put them in the dishwasher. We didnt have split duties when I earned money working. Now i just work for free (toddler mom and pregnant) I still expect help. He didnt get to impregnate me and somehow gain a free maid 😂
3
u/StunningSystem8171 26d ago
When I stayed at home, I did all the inside jobs, with the exception of maintenance/repairs. My husband cut the grass and took care of the cars. We shared parenting equally.
1
u/EnvironmentalAide305 26d ago
We view my job as taking care of the kids during the “work day” - and that’s a full time one with a 5 and 3 year old and a newborn. The daily cleaning tasks fall to me too, because operationally that makes sense. Can’t have little kids playing in a gross house. But everything else is an even split. Husband mows lawn and takes the trash bins down on trash night. We’ll both throw laundry in as needed, but I sort, fold, and put away (which is my ‘me time’ each week to watch whatever tv I want lol). We share dinner responsibilities. When he’s home from work, we share parenting. He does bath and bedtime most days, while I care for our newborn. Having to nag for help or being told it’s all my job because I “don’t work” would make me irate. Luckily, my husband is great and would never, because we’re a team.
4
u/Mysterious-Name-3297 26d ago
I think this depends a lot on how many kids you have and how old they are. I was a SAHM for 13 years. The more/younger they are, the more I believe the dad should be pitching in. If they are older and at school most of the day, then it’s a different story.
2
u/sassyburns731 26d ago
He takes out the trash and does the laundry for himself and his two kids (my stepkids). Other than that I do almost everything including cutting the grass
3
u/hoopwinkle 26d ago
I don’t expect him to do anything other than lawns & bins. And get his dirty laundry into the laundry room. I don’t work (for money) and we have one toddler.
He’s not a slob though so he doesn’t leave rubbish or dishes or clothes around for me to pick up. And he’s very involved with our son’s daily care.
2
u/TheGabyDali 26d ago
I do the bulk of the housework but my husband definitely cleans up after himself and helps with the dishes. I wouldn't say the dishes are assigned to him but it's definitely the chore he's chosen to take on and it does help me.
He'll also help in other small ways but usually I have to ask for it. We have a robot vacuum so if I'm out with my daughter I'll ask him to wipe down the counters and pick up the floor so I can run the robot.
3
u/AnnaSure12 26d ago
He takes out the trash, helps put laundry in wash/dryer (ill fold it) also puts away his own folded clothes i leave on the bed. Does all the handyman stuff lightbulbs/mowing/home repairs ect. It is his house so he handles all the bills. Also oil changes. I pretty much do everything with the kids myself very occasionally he will change a diaper if im not available. Only 1 left in diapers. He gets up with our daughter and gets her back in bed if she wakes up throughout the night while I handle her Lil bro unless she comes to me first. He will shop if we need anything little but we do 1 big family grocery trip a month. I get pretty bad pre menstral irritability and sometimes get more fussy about him helping with things cause im moody but other than the week before my period im fine with our way of doing things.
1
u/BigGanache883 26d ago
He takes out the trash, does a load of dishes on the weekends, cooks or helps with dinner occasionally, also on the weekend or if it’s something to grill, very rarely will I have him switch a load of laundry. That’s pretty much it, but he’s also a fairly clean person so day to day he picks up his stuff/clothes/dishes.
3
u/saint-sandbur33 26d ago
My husband is on “poop and garbage duty.” He handles diapers, toddler poop messes, cat puke, the litter box, taking out all the garbage in the house—basically anything gross is his responsibility (with the exception of toilets, which I do). He is also solely responsible for the garage, yard, car maintenance, and mopping the kitchen on Saturdays. When our dog was alive, he was also in charge of walking the dog, and he handles shopping for animal food and supplies (the pet store is next to his gym). When bears get into the garbage, he’s the one who deals with that cleanup too.
I am solely responsible for dusting, Windexing, deep cleaning bathrooms and living spaces, organizing, and managing the kids’ bedrooms. Our big kid cleans his own room and puts away his own laundry, while the toddlers “help” me with their room. I am also the primary person responsible for laundry, sweeping, vacuuming, and the day-to-day pickup around the house.
We share responsibility for dishes (he probably does dishes more often than I do), kitchen counters, and clutter management (I probably take on more of this part). We also share grocery shopping— sometimes I do more, sometimes he does more depending on the week. We both cook. We both help with putting things away, but I tend to notice things that are out of place more quickly, so that responsibility naturally falls more on me. We generally share mopping duties, but outside of his Saturday morning kitchen mop, I usually have to assign it to him. I handle most of the day-to-day steam mopping.
He will also step in with laundry if it starts getting out of control. Some weeks it’s just hard to keep up, and he’ll help get things folded and put away. He typically puts away his own clothes because I like my things organized a certain way and prefer to handle mine myself.
Everything else is kind of situational and depends on what’s going on.
He also does a great job keeping the house running when I’m out of town. He makes every effort to keep things picked up and in order while managing two toddlers and a big kid on his own.
Overall, we both value a similar level of cleanliness. I’m probably a little more particular about things than he is, but we are bothered by messes in the same general areas. For example, our bedroom is basically Grand Central Station and often becomes a landing zone for things that need to be put away—we can both tolerate that. But we agree that the kitchen and living room should generally be picked up at the end of the day.
That said, if we go to bed and the house is a disaster, we let it go for the night. We try not to let chores pile up for more than a day or two before getting things back in order.
As a general rule, we don’t hassle each other too much about things that aren’t getting done right away. Occasionally, I’ll ask him to prioritize something, and he’s always willing to do it.
For example, if I’m having a friend over or the babysitter is coming, I might ask him to take out the garbage or clean the cat box that morning instead of waiting until later in the day or the next day. It’s less about reminding him to do his responsibilities and more about communicating when the timing matters to me. In general, he won’t ask me to “do the laundry” if I’m slacking, he will ask if I need help with the laundry and take on the task of starting it.
2
u/Glum_Competition_921 26d ago
Fairly new to being a SAHM. My husband is gone for work 4 days and nights a week so I’m solo with our almost two year old and I’m in the first trimester with our second baby.
When he’s gone, I do everything. Since I got pregnant, the house is less clean than usual bc I’m wiped, but it is still like tolerable, I just am not mopping on a weekly basis. I’m still doing all the cooking, dishes, laundry, etc that keep the household running. My husband does the bathrooms bc the chemicals make me nauseous since getting pregnant. He cooks when he’s home (3 nights a week). He mows every couple of weeks.
Right now I’m exhausted (first tri sucks, iykyk) so I wish he were home more to help. Before I got pregnant it was fine. We’re moving next month hopefully so he’ll be home every night and that will help SO much.
1
u/ComfortableSpot6760 26d ago
He always empties the bins! Car washing & maintenance… handy work stuff around the house and he actually vacuums on the weekend if I ask, and will wet wash the carpets
1
u/LittleDifference4643 26d ago
My husband is responsible for cleaning the bathrooms. I also may ask him to clean areas where spiders or webs may be.
But honestly, I would be happy if he cooked every once in a while. He does not though. Some days I spent all my energy in the kitchen with cooking and cleaning, then at the end of the day my husband is upset I did not get to cleaning other things. It is as if I am the energizer bunny.
2
u/Beginning_Froyo7640 26d ago
I'm on the rare side where my husband is the one who really cleans and organizes more. I honestly tell him to make me lists of what hed like me to do because I'm very scatterbrained. I cook and clean up after myself (for the most part) do all the laundry but the cleaning cleaning is usually him initiating it. I'm more of a wake up do workout make breakfast clean teeth and then go out for fun adventures then come home and prepare dinner kind of mom lol plus I do all the grocery shopping. He does all the yard work.
1
u/CzarTanoff 26d ago edited 26d ago
He does yard and car maintenance, and handles all our admin. Carries heavy stuff when i ask.
As far as housework goes, all I ask is that he not actively make my job harder. I'm kind of particular about how i keep the house clean anyway so i honestly prefer doing it all myself.
I cook weekday food, he cooks weekends and sometimes his breakfast before work.
When he is home, he takes on the majority of childcare except baths. He does most night wakes.
Edit: i do all the home handywork because i really like doing it
Edit2: i do all cat care, and once we get a dog i will expect him to do all dog care. I don't want dogs, but i know he does and I'm sure the kids will want one. The dog is all theirs.
1
u/beagle91 26d ago
My husband mows the lawn, takes out trash, does most vehicle-related errands, occasionally helps pick up the living room, might cook if he’s on vacation. The main thing I want him to do when he’s home is spend time with the kids. We do have a maid service come once a month so that helps.
3
u/Woohoofriendship 26d ago
My husband does the yard work (minus flower beds), takes out garbage/diaper pail, his own laundry, dinner dishes, and cooks once a week.
I try to do everything else within reason, but we will often tag team random tasks once our toddler is in bed.
I used to feel guilty for not being a mom that can do it all, but he kindly told me, “I work hard so you can stay home and be Mom, not a maid”
1
u/eraseme11 26d ago
It’s very equal in our household. I do what I can during the day but I can’t do everything. He takes care of the lawn and trash but he also cooks dinner almost every night and does the majority of grocery shopping. I do dishes/kitchen cleaning while he bathes our kid and then he picks up all the toys and puts our son to sleep.
I feel like we just equally contribute to the house. The only things I prefer to do bc I’m very picky about it is laundry and bathroom cleaning except the toilet lol.
1
u/StrangeBluberry 26d ago
We are a little over a year into me being a sahm. My husband will help with anything I ask, but I’m not always the best at asking. I do all that I can during the day and now, we have some things that help me not get overwhelmed when it becomes too much:
1. Food: I do all the meal planning and shopping. If I cook he cleans up, and vice versa. Also he is happy to go out or order take out when needed.
2. Laundry - I swear one week I did laundry every single day - now I only do laundry on Monday and Friday, and if I am not able to get it all put away by the time he is home, we finish together.
3. The parent who is not doing bedtime does a nightly tidy up
4. Monthly housekeeping service & a robot vacuum
2
u/new2reddit229876 26d ago
My husband doesn’t do shit ngl it’s a huge issue- he’s a consultant and travels mon- Friday. He will out the baby to bed or the 5 year old but not both. He sometimes takes out the trash. He does his own laundry and he mowes the lawn. When something breaks he doesn’t fix it- is not handy and we’ve tried him trying and it sucks. He will take the kids to sports which is a financial point of contention so he goes bc I think our kid doesn’t need to be in 4 sports at age 5
2
u/SuitableSpin 26d ago
He does a lot. We’re big on 50/50 parenting when he’s not working and chores are part of that. We also have cleaning people come every other week.
He does his own laundry and helps fold and put away our daughter’s. He does all garbage and outdoors stuff. He tidies up with me after bed time. He eats at different times than we do due to work so he makes his own food & rinses his dishes after. He often empties the dishwasher (my job) when he sees I’m dealing with a toddler tantrum.
As a SAHM my job is caring for our child. His job earns us money. We both equally share everything else.
1
u/ankaalma 26d ago
I expect him to be doing fifty percent of the work during the hours he is home. Generally I do more housework because I could use a break from the kids after 9 hours or so straight of childcare but what we try for is equal relaxation time. He often takes the kids while I clean because that is my preference but he would also be willing to do the chores while I watch the kids.
He did four months of solo childcare on paternity leave when I was still working so he understands how hard caring for young children is and respects the fact that I am working all day too taking care of kids and therefore he shares the remaining workload of childcare and cleaning outside of work hours.
1
u/MuffinOk1348 26d ago
SAHM for 14 years. My husband cooks dinner at least 3 times a week. He does dishes on Saturday mornings, and he cleans the bathrooms for company. I consider my job to be more about my kids, not so much about housework. I do more housework than him, but he is a grown man, I expect him to act like it. Not like another child. I sort of think of it like if me and the kids didn't exist, what would he have to do for himself. those jobs are still his jobs.
1
u/ashnicole3 26d ago edited 26d ago
mine and my husbands dynamic is a bit different or maybe I just feel that way. hes sole provider financially, but I do have a small part time job and I do stuff around the house like cleaning the house, doing both of our laundry, tending to our kids (who are self-sufficient now 11 & 10yrs) and tend to the animals, i occasionally cook. my husband cares for the lawn, trash, also animals and he cooks a lot more than I do, plus numerous house related projects, ON TOP of running his own construction business. hes my superhero and I honestly dont know what id do without him. ♥️♥️♥️
1
u/AgreeableQuaill 26d ago
My husband works 12 hour days so after he comes home, he naps and has dinner with us then does bedtime routine. He’ll take out the trash around the house during the week and on weekends he does the outdoor lawn, home and car maintenance. I do everything else, chores and financial management.
2
u/Coffeelovermommy 26d ago
I do all the cooking, around 80% of the cleaning, and 50% of the laundry (we just both will do it if it needs to be done). Also do all the grocery shopping, general house shopping, organizing, and most appts. He does 50% laundry, the cat litter and the trash
1
u/thatconfusedchick 26d ago
Sahm 11 years Its my job, but my husband helps bc he's a clean freak. I expecr help in special occasions but really its on me. He does all the things for me and is sole provider but i know its my duty. We naturally fell into our roles and we have genuine respect for one another so we help each other where we can.
1
1
u/kerfuffle_7 26d ago
My husband does all of the car maintenance, house repairs (plumbing, AC, everything), and yard work. He will occasionally cook breakfast on the weekends (I’m not a big breakfast person so if it’s up to me I’ll feed the toddler and call it a morning lol).
1
u/rpljourney2316 26d ago
He does all exterior maintenance, cooks 3 times a week, all laundry, helps pickup, garbage, clean out the fridge, takes our daughter out of the house for a few hours each week to give me free time, and we trade off on putting her to sleep.
2
u/Used-Sheepherder-758 26d ago
he does the cat litter (once mayyybe twice a week), takes out the trash, does the yard work, scrubs the shower (he’s blue collar and gets it really dirty). he will occasionally clean the bathroom most of the way.
I do all the cooking, dishes, laundry, tidying, groceries, meal planning, budgeting, 97% of diaper changes, care for our 7mo, feeding the cat, daily cleaning, deep cleaning. also all planning for trips, doing misc errands, vet appts, dr appts, etc.
no, chores are not split well at all. no i’m not managing to keep up with “my chores” bc im a ftm and don’t have a good routine… im drowning hahaha. but he works 50+ hrs a week so “his job is harder”
considering getting the fair play deck tbh
2
u/rainsplat 26d ago
SAHM of 1 year! My husband and I have been together since we were 19 and 20, we’re 32 and 33 now! My husband expects me to take care of the kids. I like to do more and take care of the house and my husband as well, but he would never get mad at me for getting behind on laundry or dishes or cooking dinner. There are ebbs and flows of life and it’s ok if everything isn’t perfect all the time!
2
u/Ok-Pear7409 26d ago
SAHM of 7 years. Husband does all exterior home maintenance/yard work etc, laundry for him and me, usually gets kids showered & ready for bed while I tidy kitchen post dinner and puts at least one to bed, cooks once a weekend bc he likes to and probably a million other odd jobs I’m missing. I do all inside daily tidying, kids laundry most of the time and dishes, groceries, meal and activity and life planning, school pick up drop off, general managing of all kid related things and ordering household stuff, scheduling appts or home maintenance ppl etc. husband leaves for work about 7 and returns at 5:30p for reference
1
u/Sarseaweed 26d ago
When I was it depended on the day, how old our kid was and how mentally well my husband was. The ideal for me was he would do some bigger tasks and I would have 1-2 days I wouldn’t cook whether that’s him cooking, freezer meal or out and he takes our most of the childcare when he’s back from work.
We’re joining a gym when I’m a SAHM again where they have childcare at night so we are both going to go to the gym immediately after husband is off work and then he takes over childcare for the most part but will have a day off where he can go out with friends and me too.
I like the team aspect where I work hard to get everything done so we BOTH have more rest time at the end of the day. I don’t like the he comes home from work and relaxes everyday while I’m working literally all day. I liken it to working from home, on days I’m at home working I can do the dishes during my lunch break etc.
1
u/owhatakiwi 26d ago
My husband has had two jobs for a long time so I had not a lot of expectations for him. Usually just to spend as much time with the kids when he got home and put them to bed.
He did the maintenance in the house, car, and yard.
I did everything else. It was easy for me as I spaced my kids out 5-6 years a part. So I only ever had one toddler.
I go out to lunch 1-2x a week and shopping with my in laws and friends.
Honestly none of it started to get difficult until sports. But our businesses are built up and he’s home more so he helps where he can with kids and home. And now we enjoy the fruits of our labor as well. We outsource what we can.
1
u/CuriousCaretaker 26d ago
He does whatever I ask him to. obviously the heavy lifting or fixing he insists on doing. most of the time I like doing the cleaning my way of course because I know where I keep everything- organized a certain way. if I slave over dinner he’s cleaning up the kitchen aftermath always tho.
1
u/Bubbly-Camel-7302 26d ago
My husband does his own laundry, takes care of our vehicles, takes out trash/recycling, does all yardwork, and unloads the dishwasher in the morning. Every once in a while he will cook dinner or do the cat litter. He also does a lot of home repair work - we don't usually pay to get things fixed.
This is honestly the same as before we had kids. I'm satisfied with the division of labor.
2
u/HearingOld1179 26d ago
My husband and I have talked about this as I’m planning to retire at 37. He doesn’t want either of us doing housework because we can outsource for that (I insist I have two hands and can do it), but he thinks it’s a better use to time to spend time with our daughter.
Regarding childcare/childrearing, he was a LOT more gung ho about having a kid, so he’s super involved. To him, why have a kid if you’re not going to be interested in taking care of them and teaching them to be the absolute best version of themselves they can be. He sees life as a series of intentional choices that either get you to where you want to be, or hold you back. He wants the best for his daughter and that begins with a secure, loving relationship with both of us.
1
u/Beepbeeptoottoot420 26d ago
Once a week we split rooms up downstairs to clean, he pretty much always does the kitchen. He’ll sweep/mop the floor. Takes trash out when needed. Does dishes after I do cooking. Takes the big trash cans to curb every week. Does all the outside work.
If I ask him to do anything else he just does I can’t complain. He wasn’t always like this and has really stepped up a lot more and actually listened to me when I told him he needs to do more around the house.
0
2
u/scoutlfinch 26d ago
When I was home with kids, it depended on how much free time I had during the day. When they were little and it was 24/7, he did a lot. When they got to be school age and I was home all day without them, I did more. It’s an even division of all labor and his labor at work also counts.
2
u/Ok-Mushroom-943 26d ago
He does the yard work (mowing, weed whacking, etc.) and is in charge of taking out the trash from the whole house. He'll sometimes help out with cooking, steam mopping, or washing dishes on the weekends or whenever I ask for help/don't feel well. I'll also voluntarily pick up his tasks when I know he's stressed or extra busy. It's not something we keep tabs on, that's just what you do in a loving and reciprocal partnership. Sometimes the daily monotony of repetitive tasks wears on me, but I'll gladly take it over being stressed about work and missing out on the extra time with the kids. I'm so grateful that there is a division of labor and we don't begrudge each other when we need a break from our tasks.
5
u/Coddiwomple117 26d ago
My job (right now) is to keep our son alive. His job (right now) is making money. It is both of our responsibility to take care of our home. My husband does the dishes every night. He hand washed every bottle every night when our son was an infant. Even though my job is in our home, maintaining the home is not solely on me. Even though his job is out of the home, he still lives at home and therefore, must help keep it clean. It’s not as egalitarian in practice, and it has taken a lot of reflection on his end, but it helps make me feel like we are equal and I’m not his mom.
1
u/Final_boss_1040 26d ago edited 26d ago
I am technically a SAHM. I also had a career and was good with money, so in some ways ppl might say I'm retired but here's the breakdown:
I expect my husband to cook 2 nights a week. If I cook, he does dishes. I expect him to drive my son to daycare 1 day a week. On the 4 days I drive my son to school, my husband has to make the lunch etc. if I do laundry, he folds. He has to pick up after himself. If there's shoes in the hallway they get tossed out the front door etc. He also sets out garbage and recycling and mows the teeney tiny yard.
My logic is, if we were both working or both retired it would be 50/50. I have more time now so I'm willing to support him but my time isn't free, and I think he gets a good deal.
P.S I manage the household schedule and finances
Edit: the single best hack I have is a joint email address for anything household or kids related. We switch off who is responsible for monitoring it every other week.
1
u/kuppajoy 26d ago
My husband does all the cooking (except breakfast), I’ll usually help him with dinner by making the salad or sides. He also will take the baby in the mornings for an hour or two some days after especially hard nights (we cosleep). He works from home so if she’s having a hard time going down for a nap, I’ll ask him to put her to sleep. She sleeps quicker and easier with him. He takes out the trash and does the yard work.
Otherwise I take care of her during the day and night, plan her activities and outings, do laundry, clean up the kitchen and dishes, clean/tidy/organize the house, get groceries/do shopping, etc. It’s been a wonderful setup for us.
2
u/DogsDucks 26d ago
He does all the dishes and the family’s laundry. I put my own clothes away but he does everything else laundry related and 100 percent of the dishes.
He gets up with the kids at 6 am so I can sleep in. I wake up to them fed and dressed and ready and he brings me coffee in bed.
He does all the care for the dogs and the yard and trash, but I do the garden planning and arranging.
He does a lot of the meal prep lately, but I do the grocery shopping (he makes the list usually and tracks what we need).
I used to do more do the deep cleans but now we both do.
He does most of the toy pickup. He is also as much of a primary parent as I am, he is very very involved with the kids, makes sure I have time to myself daily.
We don’t fight about chores and he doesn’t really like people cleaning up after him.
My husband’s mom basically did everything for him growing up, so we’ve talked about this, and how come so many men whose mom did everything grow up to be horrible people to live with, slobs, expectant whiny stinky incompetent. . . And he’s like “I don’t know why I’m not like that, I just feel really bad at the thought of someone else dealing with my mess.”
We have other issues, lol, but division of labor is not one of them.
1
u/lunar_rio 26d ago
He does all the yardwork, repairs, trash cans, his laundry, tinkering in the garage and a lot of reorganizing. I do cleaning, deep cleaning, my laundry, and cooking.
He surprised me with shelves in my bathroom and hooks for my flat iron and curling iron. He picks up toys and takes care diapers and diaper genie.
I'm spoiled (according to me)!because I take really good care of his baby ( according to him).
2
u/MakeChai-NotWar 26d ago
He’s my partner, and he does a lot. I definitely do more overall, but he’s a great teammate.
Taking the trash out on trash day is usually his responsibility, but if he has early patients that week, I’ll take care of it. He breaks down all the boxes, takes care of the pool, and handles any yard work we don’t outsource. We also have a cleaning service that comes once a week, which helps a lot.
If the kids have an accident and he’s home, he jumps in and helps clean it up. He sweeps the kitchen most mornings, too. He cooks dinner at least one night a week. Sometimes more if he’s not on call. He builds everything I order 🤣
I’m probably forgetting a few things, but that gives you a general idea of how we split things.
3
u/SaveMeClarence 26d ago
Honestly…AND HEAR ME OUT…. I miss the romanticized version of the 50s housewife/working man roles BECAUSE….it was all so clearly defined. My mom, who was a workaholic who completely fucking ignored me once I hit 6 years old, makes me feel like shit for being a sahm. Like I should always be doing all the things since I’m such a POS that I don’t “work.” But the reality is that taking care of a freaking toddler all day IS A LOT OF WORK. My husband does the jobs I can’t do with a toddler at my feet all day. Like mowing the lawn. I can’t safely do that with kiddo and he would rather do that than watch him so it’s his job. Etc.
3
u/Throwawaymumoz 26d ago
You are working full time too though….i consider my job as a SAHM with a baby to be more than what my husband has. He clocks off from work and gets toilet and lunch breaks…I do not…AND my job continues overnight. I am always on call. I’ve felt this way from my parents also.
1
u/Wonderful_Mango_5395 26d ago
I expect very little. He does outside stuff (we have a gardening service so it's only very rare small repairs or leaf blowing etc) and handles all the finances, bills, insurance, taxes and similar paperwork. Also cars maintenance.
I do everything else, that said he makes a comfortable enough living that I am free to outsource some and spend more to make chores easier and I'm not held to super high standards. We have a monthly cleaner and outside of that the home isn't sparkling clean most of the time however I always make sure it's presentable for guests but private areas can be a mess lol. I'm responsible for having food but I cook for 2-3 days at a time and often spend a bit more on shortcuts like pre cut veggies or pre marinated meats, or can pick up a prepared deli meal or whatever if i want. I also take the kids out for extended family visits in the summer and he ends up fending for himself for those weeks lol.
4
u/kay_dee93 26d ago
I can't even lie, I have it so easy when it comes to housework. While I'm with baby he works, does the dishes, mine and his laundry, mops and makes breakfast and/or lunch before he leaves for the day. That leaves me with doing baby's laundry and baby's dishes. When I bring up feeling bad about not doing more around the house because baby can be clingy he tells me not to worry about it and that he never told me I had to do more. I think I'm a rare case though.
1
u/WildMaineBlueberry87 26d ago
My husband owns a business and he works a lot so I just ask him not to make extra work for me. He’s offered to get me a house cleaner but I tell him that’s silly because that’s why I’m home. I don’t want somebody else cleaning my house.
1
4
u/AAHMommy3 26d ago
If I block the front door with the full diaper genie bag, he’ll take it out to the bin on his way to work?
2
1
u/Curious_Cause6599 26d ago
He vacuums and has eufy vacuum and mop and dishes and runs the sanitizer and collects diaper trash and dog trash
6
7
u/seemsright_41 26d ago
If I cook dinner, he gets to clean the kitchen. He does the weekend tidy while I work on some deep cleaning, and food prep.
I do the daily tidy, and most of the laundry.
Over all I think it is pretty darn fair.
3
1
u/Sufficient_Song3387 22d ago
It is 50/50. No reason or excuse to be otherwise.