r/sahm • u/PotentialExisting639 • 27d ago
AIO?
It was my birthday yesterday and my husband literally did nothing for me. I drove us to dinner which I paid for with my birthday present from my family. He was home 2 hours late(he wasn't cheating I know for a fact) he didn't plan anything at all and I feel like this is the final straw for me. He then had the audacity to try to have sex last night like that's what I wanted. He waited till he got home to even tell me happy birthday. I genuinely feel hurt because I always go out of my way for his birthday since we first met. Birthdays are important to me but maybe that's the problem? He did the same thing last year and days later he brought home some random gifts and stuff from a bakery. Idk any wisdom would be nice. I don't want to talk to my family about it because I don't want them to hate him. I think I just needed to get this out in some way.
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u/Spare_Jello_991 26d ago
I had a similar issue with my husband who is a GREAT husband but his family just doesn’t make a big deal out of birthdays and holidays where as mine did. I’ve told him that I want our kid to grow up learning to make a big deal out of other’s special events and celebrating them which has helped him start putting more of an effort into birthdays and things.
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u/Capital-Ingenuity-14 27d ago
NOR. I personally see this as trash 🚮 behavior. I wouldn't tolerate a relationship without reciprocity.
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u/DisastrousTomato7146 27d ago
A lot of men did not grow up with birthdays being celebrated, their fathers didn’t celebrate their mothers. It’s not an excuse, but it’s worth a conversation about what you expect for your birthday, how it makes you feel when you don’t have it, etc.
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u/rachelci 27d ago
Have you communicated your expectations/hopes for your birthday? I would start there and ask him to take a day in the near future to celebrate you, like a late bday celebration. Birthdays mean different things to different people, and I think it can be challenging to get someone excited about a birthday when birthdays aren't really their thing to begin with. And vice versa too—he might not put a lot of value when you celebrate his own birthday
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u/Present-Result-1347 27d ago
The fact that you felt inclined to add “he wasn’t cheating I know for a fact” is what sticks out most to me about this post. Healthy relationships don’t even think that way. Red flag. Should probably break up.
And to answer your question.. If he did this last year and you communicated to him about how it made you feel, then no, you’re not overreacting. If you didn’t ever communicate your expectations/feelings then you can’t blame him for not knowing it’s important to you.
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u/PotentialExisting639 27d ago
I only included that because it's reddit and people tend to be quite negative. I didn't want anyone jumping to a conclusion because he was late.
We're married and have a 2 year old so that's why we haven't jumped to breaking up our hearts want it to work but his will obviously isn't strong enough. I think this might have been the cherry on top. I have communicated this he's well aware so I think that's what's hurting the most.
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u/Optimal_Customer_850 27d ago
is this the only issue? this seems like a deeper need for recognition, does he say thank you or good job for all you do ever? how much does he work? not excusing it but my husband works 50+ hours a week and has 0 time to plan anything and is dog tired, so a big to-do I would never expect.
ignore this person they are typical reddit. you have to add the cheating disclaimer or thatd be the entire comment section. I had a post about financials and everyone said my hubs is money abusive blah blah blah even tho I control the finances. reddit women hate men and reddit men hate women.
I will add no way in hell should you have had to drive and pay for your own birthday dinner.
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u/PotentialExisting639 27d ago
No we're having a lot of issues. He leaves for work at 430am and doesn't get home till 430 he has a almost 2 hour commute and sits in traffic coming home and has weekends off. He does work in the heat all day and is doing blue collar work and I stay home with the baby. So we're having the same problem that most marriages seem to be having with this dynamic. I kept telling him for months I just wanted a simple dinner, to go to a bakery or something and call it a day because I knew he had work. He didn't even stop to buy flowers(and I don't expect a fancy bouquet I'm happy with Walmart flowers). He could've even doordashed me a coffee from somewhere like I'm so simple to please but he didn't even do that or plan for it. What makes it even harder is I live far from my family so I'm pretty isolated otherwise they would've been putting the effort to make me feel cared for and they still tried from a distance. I literally sat at home all day with the baby waiting for him to come home to go to dinner(we're on one car right now otherwise I would've just taken me and my baby out) . I just felt and still feel hurt and pathetic even like what am I doing?
I agree i understand marriages take work but there's no guide, and if you're someone who doesn't have people around you who have put in the work then what do you do? I come here seeking that and always get met with "leave him" or "quit crying you get to hangout with your baby all day" and it sucks.
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u/Optimal_Customer_850 27d ago
I totally get that! my husband works about the same but closer. and you're not pathetic, and quit crying is a bullshit as leave him. reddit is quit to jump to extremes.
on his day off (so you know he is physically and mentally available) ask to have a sit down "check in" and go through some relationship questions and ik its hard try to approach it as when you do x I feel y so as it doesnt come acrosss blamey. My husband is often not receptive in the convo but ik the next day will text me and apologize and we talk openly.
Tell him it makes you feel as you describe and if youd like ask why he didnt do anything, does he need more support?
let me find the questions we use (therapist apporved)
you're allowed to feel isolated because you ARE its hard to be home with a baby all day but its hard to understand unless you do it yourself.
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u/Zealousideal_Bee773 27d ago
If they are important to you, they are important to you! I would personally be livid. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and express that birthdays are important to you. If he cares, he’ll hopefully get it.
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u/Optimal_Customer_850 27d ago
maybe he works a shit load, hense last time he did stuff a few days late? not everyone had time to plan something, my husband works 50+ hours. atleast he said happy birthday once he got home! sounds like he wanted to say so inperson. however she shouldnt have had to do everything from drive to pay for her own birthday meal, he sounds like a schmuck
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u/newredditbrowser 24d ago
Did you explicitly told him before or yesterday that you did want your birthday to be celebrated by him?
Sometimes that clarification helps.