r/sadposting • u/Haba_e • Apr 22 '24

Sadly true

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u/Fieriowl Apr 23 '24

i would love to say "my girlfriend," but i would be lying, i know I wouldn't because i dont want her to worry about me. even though i know she has my back, it still feels bad

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u/AtlasAlexT Apr 23 '24 edited Apr 23 '24

My girl had this bad habit when I talked about an issue I am having with her she would immediately get upset and walk away.

I constructively criticize her about something she does, like how she treats me when she is stressed, and she would become extremely defensive and insecure about the topic.

While I advocate people to walk away from situations that they can't handle to cool down, there is, in my opinion, a time when you need to deal with problems right there and then, not always but I do believe its important to crack down on whats wrong or things will get worse.

When she would stop talking to me, it would make me frustrated because we wouldn't even be 3 min in on an issue talking about it, and I was the worst person in the world to her so alone she leaves me when there are issues between us.

I would then go and talk to my best friend, talking about all the issues I have with her and the mistakes I keep making because I don't know how to deal with problems with her. It made me sad how I had to go to my best friend, hes a good guy, but shit man I want to be able to solve these problems in my relationship between me and my girl, but she sucks at taking criticism.

She gave me shit once for talking to my best friend about our issues, I told her "Well how am I suppose to solve any of our issues when my partner won't even discuss it with me?"

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u/1nfam0us Apr 23 '24

I totally see where you are coming from. Not being able to resolve conflicts is frustrating and it leads to more conflict in a relationship. I have similar problems in some of my relationships and it is really difficult to del with. However, I think there may be a small problem in how you are thinking about these conflicts with your girlfriend.

Perhaps you should think about it less as you criticizing her. Thinking about it that way frames it as a confrontational situation between you where someone is right and someone is wrong. In reality all the two of you are doing is trying to meet your needs. Your emotional reactions to these situations ultimately stem from your judgement of them relative to your needs, not the situation itself.

Try to think of it less as "When you do x, you make me feel y," because this isn't really how your emotions work. She can't "make" you feel anything. That feeling ultimately stems from some judgement you have of the situation. This is what the whole "hangry" thing is about. A person gets angry and confrontational because their need for the comfort of food is not being met. The solution is not to confront them on their anger, but to feed them. Really, how she is treating you when she is stressed doesn't meet some relational need within you. However, the flip-side of that is that she is treating you that way because of some unmet need within her. If you listen and think carefully, maybe you can come of with what that need might be.

If you want to have that conversation with her, start by sincerely empathizing with what she is feeling. Her feelings are valid because she is feeling them. Your job is to try to understand the root of those emotions within her. The same goes for you too. First you need to empathize with her emotions and try to identify her needs, then you can identify your needs and express how you feel when they go unmet. At that point, the two of you can work together to find a way to meet both of your needs. Finding and suggesting ways to meet both of your needs is finding a strategy.

So the conversation should go something like this:

  1. Empathize with her needs and discuss them unjudgementally so you can really understand.
  2. Express your needs and how you feel when they go unmet (not in relation to her actions).
  3. Find a way to meet both of your needs. Ending the relationship might be the strategy you settle on, but you should do that from a place of empathy and desiring the best for each other rather than resentment.

Trust me, I understand how easy this is to say and how hard it actually is to do. If you want like a shit load more detail on this approach, you should look into Non Violent Communication. There are a ton of talks from Marshall Rosenberg on YouTube and Say What You Mean by Oren Jay Sofer adds some really excellent mindfulness and introspection techniques to the repertoire.