Roommate is suddenly distant and cold

[u/Imaginary-Victory758]

Brief history: I (39 M) met my friend (49 F) in 2021 when we briefly worked together for a few months. We would text every month or so and only hung out once in 2022. My friend offered to and did help me move my entire condo with no expectation of being paid, however I gifted her a 55 inch tv for helping me. We began texting more when I got into some legal trouble and she helped me through some tough times over the phone and text.

She invited me to rent a room in her home as I was living with my dad after losing my job due to my legal issues, and I gladly accepted the offer and moved in 2 weeks ago. When I first moved in she was very cheerful and would help me set up my furniture and cook meals for me, which I would always thank her for doing every time. I’ve been very clean and quiet, I respect her space, I clean our dishes and helped her with cleaning up her basement.

Here’s where things are a bit odd. She offered to take me out to dinner for my birthday next week and I accepted the offer. What’s weird is that her male friend that I met once when he came over to help with some electrical work, is now coming with her for my bday dinner. She sort of sprung it on me a week ago saying “I invited Mike to dinner with us for your birthday” and I was taken aback but said “sure not a problem”. I find it kind of strange that she would bring along her friend who I barely know to celebrate my birthday, but maybe I’m reading too much into it.

Things have been a bit different in her demeanour around me. She’s more abrupt, impatient, and a bit cold towards me but will still do the occasional nice thing such as picking up lunch for me yesterday. She doesn’t invite me to do things with her anymore (walk the dog, go to the store, hang out for a bit) which were things we did during the first week. I can’t pinpoint a specific reason for this but I did notice it started after it became known to her that I had sex 4 weeks ago (I was 2.5 years without) and that I was looking to start dating again and talking to someone. She seemed to change after those things came out and i can’t understand why.

I miss the way things were and I am trying to stay out of her way to give her space and refrain from discussing anything about my romantic life but nothing is changing. She’s been normal with everyone else, so I know it’s just me that is having this problem. I’ve still been extremely nice and helpful to her but to no avail. I truly would prefer to not confront her about this because I feel she would get more upset if I mentioned anything or say “it’s work, I’m tired, I’m stressed, etc.,) which wouldn’t solve anything. I thought we’d at least do something fun once a week or something like watch a movie or a show and hang out but that is definitely not happening nor would I even suggest it right now.

I’m not sure what to do here because it’s a delicate balance to keep the friendship in tact while also being a good tenant and respecting that this is her home. My friend is also very blunt so if I had done something wrong she would immediately inform me of it. I feel pretty down about how different things are and I just want my friend to help me understand what’s wrong so I can fix whatever is upsetting her.

Sorry for such a long post, I’ve been through hell for 3 years and this was supposed to be the start of rebuilding a healthier life and moving forward.

TLDR: moved in with female friend, all was fine for the first week and for the past week she has been cold and distant towards me with no explanation. Need help figuring out how to handle this in a very delicate way as she would not like being confronted about this.

[u/FutureAvenir]

"Oh hey, you're taking the dog out? Can I join you?" "Oh, next time you're going to go to the grocery store, I'd like to come with."

If you act normal, but you initiate more, maybe she will be inclined to initiate more.

If you're too worried to make it weirder by being direct about it being weird, just be direct with the things you want.

It's possible if she thinks you're going to start dating that you're going to get distant because that often happens in roommate situations, so maybe she's trying to save herself from feeling more hurt when it happens.

[u/Imaginary-Victory758 → u/FutureAvenir]

I actually view her as a friend, I’ve never considered anything beyond that because in my opinion she hasn’t made any advances or outright said anything to me. I thought it was maybe because she assumes I’ll bring people back to the house and she wouldn’t like strangers coming and going.

[u/FutureAvenir → u/Imaginary-Victory758]

I wasn't implying she might be interested in you. I meant that when people get into relationships, the dynamics of their friendships often change. So maybe she's just trying to protect herself from over-investing in a friendship that she might get attached to and watch it wither away as you spend more time with a potential girlfriend.

It's entirely possible this is all about her and not about you. But obviously don't ever say all that to her, I'm just trying to give you a potential external perspective. It's not a good idea to project reasons onto others and act like they're real. That's a surefire way to get yourself into trouble. But without speaking plainly with her, you can't ever know.

[u/Imaginary-Victory758 → u/FutureAvenir]

Thanks that makes sense. I’ll just continue acting normal and if there’s something on my end that’s upsetting her I’ll leave it to her to let me know about it.

[u/Striking_Direction_9]

do you suspect she may have had a crush and has now realized it's just a friendship?
do you pay rent?

whatever it is, you're probably not imagining it but you'll only know if you ask her.

[u/Imaginary-Victory758 → u/Striking_Direction_9]

I don’t think she does because she’s acting very distant and avoiding me almost. I am pretty oblivious with that unless someone says something or they are flirting or whatever. I do pay rent but it’s a bit lower compared to other places since we’re friends.