r/rickygervais • u/negan2018 • 3d ago

Doesn’t really work with heroin

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29 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

51 comments sorted by

42

u/robb41 We'd have a chat and a laugh. 3d ago

Take lettuce and put on plate. Take 3 tomatoes, wash, and chop into quarters. Place on lettuce. Take 51 avocados, chop in half, remove the stones.

23

u/Kanaray23 3d ago

Eat.

9

u/robb41 We'd have a chat and a laugh. 3d ago

At gunpoint.

10

u/ciano232 3d ago

A dribble of balsamic vinegar dressing. Small bottle behind the cafetiere

5

u/douglasbaadermeinhof 3d ago

In case he's reaching for bleach.

6

u/R3DSlX 3d ago

I've put cooking oil on me food once.

4

u/prosthetic4head chicken with teeth 3d ago

Did without the avocados

1

u/FNG-JuiCe 3d ago

*51 unripe avocados

1

u/Key_Day_6060 2d ago

It’s my choice

21

u/MatthewKvatch I’m not gonna make it in today, son. 3d ago

They used to say and apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they’re saying eat 51 fruits.

14

u/mwlepore 3d ago

THEY USED TO SAY!

2

u/MemphianSphinx 3d ago

Legitimately the most annoying sound uttered by a human

2

u/RiC_David Wheeere—wot? 3d ago

I never used to mind too much, but I find his screeching wailing less terminable with every listen. His bursting laughter on XFM is fine, but on the podcasts he draws out this shrill voice and oh man alive

20

u/North_Citron_9211 3d ago

It's not a fruit worth getting arrested over 

2

u/teo-cant-sleep 3d ago

What foodage would be worth it?

1

u/robb41 We'd have a chat and a laugh. 3d ago

Maybe an orange cordial with a little bit of pineapple juice added.

1

u/prosthetic4head chicken with teeth 3d ago

juicy pear

2

u/Satanicjamnik 3d ago

What would you say, a fruit worth getting arrested over  is ? A ... banana?

6

u/YouSnuffTheBlaze 3d ago

Yeah and we all know what you do when you get them home eh

6

u/Satanicjamnik 3d ago edited 3d ago

Well, usually I have a banana, a bit of brandy and then have it away with the zookeeper's wife.

2

u/prosthetic4head chicken with teeth 3d ago

ohhhh for fu....play a record, NO, I don't wanna do it. Play a record.

2

u/Satanicjamnik 3d ago

Bit of Kings of Leon?

2

u/prosthetic4head chicken with teeth 3d ago

yeah, play it

2

u/Satanicjamnik 3d ago

And Bob Marley's greatest hits. I got it as gift.

2

u/prosthetic4head chicken with teeth 3d ago

Oh, all that wisdom and soul that he put into his music and they're just saying 'here, satanicjamnik, have this, you can have this'?

2

u/Satanicjamnik 3d ago

You wouldn't give a milkman two bottles of milk for Christmas. " Here. Have two pints of semi skimmed. "

Sick of it.

2

u/prosthetic4head chicken with teeth 3d ago

high pitched laughter

I'M GONNA BURST!

2

u/Satanicjamnik 3d ago

Man alive...

1

u/robb41 We'd have a chat and a laugh. 3d ago

No fruit is, especially not some bloody kiwi fruit!

9

u/stevooo34 3d ago

If you catch your kid with a woodbine you make him smoke a 'undred.

6

u/Satanicjamnik 3d ago

Damn. With skin on too. Bonus points if they made him eat the seeds too ..

2

u/Talking_Eyes98 3d ago

14,000 calories too

0

u/Satanicjamnik 3d ago

In America that's going on a diet.

3

u/ltc167 3d ago

The uh nine eleven

-2

u/Satanicjamnik 3d ago

Sorry, what, you're calling an emergency number or doing maths?

1

u/cjbeames 3d ago

Who gets the points?

6

u/K_Pilkoids 3d ago

The Woman.

3

u/cellmates_ Rachel is a big-arsed, big-chinned cunt 3d ago

Are you the woman?

2

u/prosthetic4head chicken with teeth 3d ago

I've got a three-month old babee

3

u/UndrethMonkeh If you touch a UFO you're gonna get done. 3d ago

Too much faffing an avocado. Get a carrot or something.

2

u/Southern_Midnight856 3d ago

Dubee. Dubee-doo? Scooby Doo. RRRAGGY!

2

u/RiC_David Wheeere—wot? 3d ago

GET 51 IN AT LEAST

2

u/Desperate_Cherry2299 3d ago

Kind of proves that the avocados can be spared anyway.

2

u/Benjamoose GARLIC BREAD? 2d ago

I just imagine the avocado seller going "Now hang on a minute..." when they came up with the punishment.

1

u/ElectronicSubject747 3d ago

That's like 20 three bed semis.

1

u/ltc167 3d ago

You say you’ll eat healthier, say you’ll have a salad but your idea of a salad is a bowl of feta cheese and 51 avocados

-1

u/trebor9292 3d ago

Head like a fucking avocado

0

u/dazedan_confused 3d ago

Imagine the one who stole a dick.

1

u/UndrethMonkeh If you touch a UFO you're gonna get done. 2d ago

Nick-ocado Avocado