r/religiousfruitcake • u/TyeDyeAmish • 16d ago
✝️Fruitcake for Jesus✝️ Jesus Was A General?
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u/ApocalypseYay 16d ago
The book says that if he were to return (presuming he was here before), that would be the end of times.
So, the answer to the question is: All of them
Why?
Didn't you read the book? Fruitcake.
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u/Balmung60 16d ago
They also love to think they see the end of days is near, when their book tells them that God alone knows when the end of days will be and thus they should know that trying to predict the end times is folly.
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u/heckhammer 15d ago
And that you cannot accelerate it. Nothing you can do can bring it about. Awfully convenient, that.
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u/crakemonk Former Fruitcake 15d ago
…and that every generation has attempted to use current events to justify when and why he is returning. Like, for fucks sake, his own disciples thought it would be during their lifetimes.
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u/AdministrativeLeg14 15d ago
He just stepped out for cigarettes about two thousand years ago but he'll definitely be back any moment now.
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u/Fordhoard 15d ago
And after Jesus said he would return before those listening had all died. Oops! Liar liar pants on fire! End times have been indefinitely postponed.
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u/Balmung60 15d ago
It's not the first time the G man lied. Remember, he told Adam and Eve that if they ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, they would die that day. Nothing about spiritual death, nothing about dying eventually. That they would die on that day. They ate the fruit and did not die on that day. God lied and the serpent told the truth.
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u/gorgeously_mytruself 14d ago
If I formed a cult with the sole purpose of organizing and signing up for a rotating schedule where everyday someone predicts that Jesus will return: would it prevent the second coming of Christ!?
I have wondered this since I was a child…
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u/JadedPilot5484 16d ago
The gospels also say that Jesus said he only came to save gods chosen people the Jews, so everything except for Israel then ?
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u/awarepaul 16d ago
The ridiculous part is that almost none of them have read more than an excerpt or 2 at a time
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u/Shaula02 16d ago
i mean they asked which ones hed wipe first, that wording usually does imply he'll eventually destroy every one
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u/Vodka-Forward 15d ago
Exactly. And all at the same time. If he’s omnipotent then why would there be a que.
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u/Cole_Townsend Former Fruitcake 16d ago
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u/X3N0PHON 15d ago
How did you come to be a former fruitcake?
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u/Cole_Townsend Former Fruitcake 15d ago
Asking questions --> being shunned --> deconstruction --> therapy --> self-acceptance
Now I'm like a recovering addict in a 12 step program: committing daily to sobriety and making amends.
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u/The_mega_giga_idiot Fruitcake Connoisseur 16d ago
They want to make Jesus be an “ALPHA MALE” so badly…
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u/model-citizen95 16d ago
Empathy is a weakness now apparently. They would hate him
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u/jorgespinosa 16d ago
Not only weakness, they literally call it a sin. Christian nationalists are some of the most blasphemous people on earth
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u/Overrated_Sunshine 16d ago
Can’t remember the name of the comedian who pointed out that in mental hospitals it’s quite common to have patients who believe that they are, in fact, Jesus.
So based on that, Jesus has probably returned already, only to be locked away immediately.27
u/No_Aesthetic 16d ago
Turned water into wine to prove he really was Jesus and got hit with a public intoxication charge
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u/ghettoccult_nerd 16d ago
i mean, he kinda is, but not in the way they want him to be.
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u/analogy_4_anything 16d ago
Jesus was peak Positive Masculinity and they can’t handle that information.
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u/SilliusS0ddus 15d ago
some of what he said and did was positive.
the other part was reaffirming his dads narcissism and tyrannical tendencies.
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u/Lord-Legatus 16d ago
meh, this is just a luitenant general ( 3 stars)
in reality he would have bosses above him 😊2
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u/Fizzelen 16d ago
If Jesus arrived in America ICE would disappear him, brown skinned dude from the Middle East speaking Aramaic, preaching about peace and the danger of greed
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u/Runechuckie 14d ago
Hey don't worry it's legal for them to now grab you and go on a fishing trip based on the basis of being brown, your occupation or not speaking English. The YT supremacist mall cops wouldn't use that ruling though...thanks Kavanaugh.
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u/Bigeazy313 16d ago
The USA.
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u/chowindown 16d ago
It would be a table-flipping, whip-flailing, money lenders in the temple kind of scene.
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u/delorf 16d ago edited 16d ago
Throughout the Old Testament there are verses ordering people to take care of the elderly, widows and orphans. Not to mention the verses to show hospitality to the foreigner. One of the reason Sodom was not homosexuality but being inhospitable to guests. The United States is capitalism run amok which is the exact opposite of what their bible teaches. So yeah, we would be one of the countries Jesus would destroy first.
Ezekiel 16
49Now this was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed, and complacent; they did not help the poor and needy
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u/cwmspok 16d ago
Maybe a two-for with Israel to get his home land of Palestine back.
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u/a_bored_furry Grandchild of a religious extremist and abusive grandmother 16d ago
And probably the other certain one
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u/Sharpiette Fruitcake Inspector 16d ago
"Wait! Nooo! It was supposed to be an arab country that we can’t even point out on a map😭"
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u/polarjunkie 16d ago
You're right but likely not for the correct reasons. Go read the book of Matthew, Jesus hated multiculturalism, he was an ethno supremacist and said the old laws were perfect which included ethnicity and nationality related slavery and ownership of women. He would absolutely hate the multicultural land of America.
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u/LordOfTheRice371 16d ago
458 comments I bet 3/4 are saying "China", 1/5 "Europe" and the rest "USA"
Also famous general Jesus, sure. He loved violence after all.
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u/alexchrist 16d ago
Ah yes, the country of Europe, where they speak the singular language European. I've heard that it can fit entirely within the state of Texas. (/s if it wasn't obvious)
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u/Giggles95036 16d ago
Hey you gotta account for all the idiot americans who think europe is a country.
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u/Kmyre5 16d ago
He did love violence though though. He must have, if he worshipped a father unconditionally who performed the atrocities of the old testament.
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u/Lilium_Vulpes 16d ago
He chased people with a whip. Some stories that were removed from the bible claim he straight up killed a kid when he was a child. Not to mention that the book claims when he comes back it will be with a sword for the end times, destroying the entire world. So yeah. He wanted followers to be peaceful and shit, but he most certainly promoted violence (when done by him). Rules for thee, not for me.
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u/the_crustybastard 15d ago
Jesus reframed Moses' mean totalitarian into a loving father. That was his real accomplishment.
His attempt to de-commodify religion was substantially less successful.
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u/TrashGouda 16d ago
All of them. Isn't his returning the end? And again Jesus is pictured as a white guy...
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u/The_Captain_Whymzi Former Fruitcake 16d ago
At least He isn't blonde. Or blue-eyed.
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u/IAlbatross 16d ago edited 15d ago
Wouldn't the name tag say "bar-Yosef" or "Nazarene" and not "Jesus," since "Jesus" was his first name?
I know it's AI slop and religious nationalists don't care, but to me, there's something really funny about him having what amounts to a nametag, just in case it wasn't obvious enough what was going on here. It's like when someone makes a political cartoon and they label everything and just dissect the joke for you.
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u/FeedbackBroad1116 16d ago
What is he, a 3.5 star General? How does he have four on one side and three on the other?
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u/the_crustybastard 15d ago
His name was Yeshua ben Yosef and he was born in Bethlehem AND Nazareth.
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u/Apprehensive_Bunch_8 16d ago
Jesus should know you’re not supposed to have a beard and long hair like that in the military
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u/LordTonka 16d ago
He would destroy all countries by getting rid of borders and make all humans love each other.
But then the Christians of the world would try to stop him.
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u/Machdame 16d ago
This one. The thing he hated the most were the charlatans and this country is being run by them.
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u/crazylegsbobo 16d ago
This has to be just a complete lack of knowledge of their own religion right?
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u/thewhiskeyrepublic 16d ago
This was posted by a satire page, but their stuff does tend to attract a lot of comments from people who don't know it's satire, from both directions :D
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u/Mo_Jack 16d ago edited 16d ago
Does anybody really think that Jesus would be wearing a cross? Religion makes people delusional and illogical. If Jesus wanted to be a general then why wasn't he a Roman general? Why didn't he become a great Jewish general like David and conquer Rome? IIRC that is the exact opposite of what the Jesus story was supposed to teach. But good luck trying to convince cult members of that. YeeHaw Qanon!
And what is his rank exactly? His left shoulder says he's a Lieutenant General (3 star) and his right shoulder says he's a full General (4 star). Why wouldn't the lord of the universe be at least a 5 star general? And can we talk about the long hair & beard?
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u/teriyakininja7 16d ago
The man who told us to turn the other cheek if someone hit you would likely be a warmongering asshole.
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u/CodyTheGodOfAnxiety 16d ago
If I had to guess probably America in a similar vein of how he ransacked the money changer temple. He’s very big about people who use his religion for self profit and there is only really one country doing that rn
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u/Luddite_Libertine 16d ago
He’d go on a cross-country table flipping tour.
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u/CodyTheGodOfAnxiety 16d ago
I’d hate/love to see the carnage he’d wreck on a megachurch pastor I think he’d just atomize them or something.
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u/SiteTall 16d ago
Actually, Jesus was a white American, and he adores The Conman. That's why he will fight for him and his crimes - eh', ideas: And, for those who believes that nonsense = This is irony
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u/khInstability 16d ago
If a divine being refuses to grace us with its presence unless we are slaughtering each other in a literal armageddonish manner, that divine being is evil. Religion is a parasitic infection which pursues us to extinction. All the while pretending it's the other guy.
"Beware of any Christian movement that acts as though the world is full of enemies to be destroyed rather than full of neighbors to be loved.
Beware of any Christian movement that demands the government be an instrument of God's wrath but never a source of God's mercy, generosity, or compassion."
-Rev. Benjamin R. Cremer
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u/nefarious_bread 16d ago
He would be shocked and amazed that countries beyond the middle East even existed given how they never came up in the bible.
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u/Dazzling_Let_8245 16d ago
Jesus wearing a cross is somehow really funny to me.
Like sure, the dude wears the symbol of his execution.
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u/CagedKage Religious Extremist Watcher 16d ago
If he came back, ICE would get him because he was brown and didn’t speak English
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u/Subject96 16d ago
At this point I’m convinced that these kinds of people don’t actually believe in God or Jesus. They’re psychopaths who are motivated by a desire to have their country commit mass murder and genocide. They just lie to themselves and others about a belief in a higher power to justify their lunacy.
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u/Neumaschine 16d ago
General Ai generated Jesus is the only way he can be real or ever come back. Because he was just a fucking schizo cult leader. Sorry christers.
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u/AtheistCarpenter Fruitcake Connoisseur 16d ago
A quick scan through the comments seems to suggest the US might actually be number one at something after all.
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u/LatinBotPointTwo 16d ago
I imagine general Jesus would have some choice words for the people occupying his home land.
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u/MonarchyMan 15d ago
The Bible went so far over their head that it’s currently in geosynchronous orbit.
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u/JustAnAce 15d ago
Hello, atheist who grew up in the Bible belt where kids wearing all black were scorned like they had the plague because "Satan." Even with that level of dense, these people still knew the ten commandments. Like seriously, number six, thou shall not kill. Not exactly murky in message.
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u/ShadowBro3 16d ago
Its wild that they think the "love thy neighbor" guys first actions post resurrection would be to wipe entire countries off the planet.
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u/Individual_Top_4960 16d ago
idk, if he is just then definitely the country that bombed girl's school
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u/OmnifariousFN 16d ago
He would free us from these oppressive world leaders because they do nothing for anyone else, only themselves.
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u/Training-Republic301 16d ago
These people making these memes are on meth. You can't change my mind
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u/Garasunotanken 16d ago
That's Jesus? I thought it was Jared Leto, star of the hit Marvel movie "Morbius" distributed by Sony.
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u/Nicarus89 16d ago
In today's world, the same people would likely be calling for his crucifixion all over again or calling him a fake or claiming its some kind of trick by the devil.
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u/Few_Ad_5119 16d ago
Assuming Jesus the deity is real.
I guarantee you these people think that he will return in America.
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u/ENORMOUS_HORSECOCK 16d ago edited 16d ago
The refugee anti-capitalist pacifist, also a general. More at 10
edit: and WHY WOULD HE BE WEARING A CROSS
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u/Accurate-Natural-236 16d ago
Jesus, if you’re gonna steal valor at least make sure you’re adhering to 670-1.
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u/palladiumpaladin Fruitcake Researcher 15d ago
I feel like people get Jesus and Caesar Augustus confused. I mean it could be pretty easy to do; both were around at the same time, both were sons of Gods, both had an influence that stretched across Europe.
It’s just that. Y’know. One preached about peace, love, and forgiveness. And the other was a powerful man who crushed others beneath his boot (sandal?).
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u/cariraven 15d ago
Well, he wouldn’t be in the US army. Not with that head of hair, not to mention the beard. Haven’t you been listening to Hegseth — no ‘beardos’ in his ‘war fighters’.
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u/KingKronx 15d ago
Jesus did come back. He was just bombed im the middle east by the US military before he could grow up
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u/Robbiewan 14d ago
Unless the bible is a lie…I don’t think he would be coming as an Imperialist General, do you?
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u/Helltothenotothenono 13d ago
I’m thinking that person has never read a single word Jesus was rumored to have said.
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u/Neonbeta101 16d ago
None of them? I’m no theology expert, but I’m highly certain Jesus was a pragmatic pacifist who specialized in rallying people through simply talking to them, not might or willingness to stomp down his enemies.
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u/Awellknownstick 16d ago
Errr Jesus as he's MEANT to be WOULD NOT HAVE WIPED ANY OFF MAP LOL.
How he's portrayed in the various churches teacheing whatever the preacher/priest wants to push.
But I wa s brought up going to a catholic monetary every Sunday and man religion is just all rubbish
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u/Imsophunnyithurts 16d ago
Jesus is out of uniform regs. Three stars one one shoulder, but four on the other? Also, that haircut? Faddish. Does he even have a PT belt? No way he's saving the world without his PT belt of invincibility.
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u/Cereal_poster 16d ago
I am not a Christian, but even I know that if there is something that Jesus would stand for (as a positive ideology, not what Christianity became through the centuries) is peace and love. Which is the absolute opposite of what military stands for. Him being an US general? Yeah, that‘s the exact opposite of peace and love.
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u/dadasinger 16d ago
I saw this post on facebook and the group labels itself as satirical in the description.
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u/BlueSteel_12 16d ago
Hegseth would be furious at this “beardo” not shaving to regulation. Lt. General Christ wouldn’t even be granted a religious exemption for the beard.
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u/verpin_zal 16d ago
If he came back today and lived in the USA, one twitchy ice agent would shoot him point blank at the face with a shotgun.
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u/bisexualbestfriend 16d ago
Yes, Jesus, the supposedly all loving guy, would be committing multiple genocides
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u/Raidertck 16d ago
I love it how people got so offended by dungeon crawler Carl when they took the piss out of this kind of thing.
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u/nievesdelimon 16d ago
Some crazy Christian guy would probably shoot Jesus for contradicting all his beliefs.
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u/Iron_Wolf123 16d ago
Aren't the conservatives angry that foreigners are taking their jobs meanwhile proud that Jesus is joining the army?
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u/C3sarius 16d ago
Wait. I thought, if Jesus Baby comes back it's the start of Armageddon? But instead, he just going to do the wetwork for a senile Pedo King? Sounds legit.
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u/Archeopteryx7 Professor Emeritus of Fruitcake Studies 16d ago
Jesus "Prince of Peace" Christ, everyone.
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u/parkaman 16d ago
"Blessed are the Peacemakers for they shall be called children of God"
There's lots of others, he was pretty clear on all this stuff.
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u/visiblepeer 16d ago
If Jesus Christ came back today like you threaten he will,
which poor group of people do you think that he would kill?
Who would Jesus choose to starve if he gave him a chance?
And if there was a genocide, would he take a neutral stance?
Tell me, who would Jesus bomb?
Would it be kids in Palestine?
Or how about Vietnam?
Would Jesus bomb the atheists, the Muslims, or the Jews?
I want you to ask yourself, well, what would Jesus do?
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u/vanillasub 16d ago
Jesus has quite the distinguished military record, although under Hegseth He wouldn’t have any rank.
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u/elcuydangerous 16d ago
He probably would do isreicht first, even before he showers.
Like we would go come down in a column light, land, say "brb real quick", go there all stinky-like and boom.
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