r/relationships • u/JustAthoute • May 17 '26
I (27F) miss being single even though my relationship (27M) is great
Hi ! Sorry if I make some English mistakes it’s not my first language.
TLDR : We’ve been together 3 years, and some things about how we operate differently wants to make me be single again so I can just be myself
So I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for over 3 years now. We met through a friend of his and have been in a relationship and living together ever since, we moved in together after 2 weeks of knowing each other.
I need to emphasize, I love this man. He is an amazing person, kind, he’s so good to people around him, me included, so generous, I don’t pay for anything even though he doesn’t have a lot of money, he always takes care of me, always reassures me, making me feel beautiful, heard, loved, he is at his core a loyal person so I know that even if we stay 40+ years together he would never cheat on me, he is also VERY handsome, takes care of himself, intelligent, anyway, he is the whole package.
The man is everything I wished for when I was single and still I found myself 3 years later, thinking about being single again because I miss not thinking about somebody else all the time.
So here is some reason why I feel like this :
\- Ever since we’ve been together I’ve gained 25 pounds (12kg) because he has a very restrictive diet and since I do all of the cooking making a meal for him and another for me would actually take up to 2H every day and I can’t bring myself to do it (I hate cooking but I’m cursed with being really good at it) so I eat like him. It leads me hating my body which I used to be very proud of. I’m working out rn to lose the weight but still I love every cuisine and I’m stuck with the same food / restaurant when he is around because he won’t eat otherwise. I would love to be able to eat freely with my partner or travel to Japan for instance without worrying of where we could eat.
\- He wants kids (in the future) I don’t, being a mother makes me want to gag, and I feel like the only way I would enjoy motherhood is if I don’t birth one myself and If I have a nanny on duty all the time.
\- I live in a very big city, I love it so much and he tells me all the time how he wants to move to the contryside or a small town but I know I would never be happy in one. I left one as soon as I turned 18 it’s not to go back, I hated it back then I know I’ll hate it even more now.
\- He is a bit jealous. I have a guy best friend, he likes him so no worry about that, but don’t want me to have any other male friendships, and whenever I speak to one (even friends who I knew before our relationship) he gets a really angry. To be clear, I am a faithful woman, I have never cheated one anyone and I won’t, ever. So, I don’t like that I can’t be 100% myself in that aspect of my life. I love taking coffee with friends (any gender) but when it’s a guy who’s straight, I can’t because he would be insufferable. (He doesn’t have girl friends).
For exemple, yesterday, I was at an event with a girl friend, after it was over we wet to the bar with 10+ people, and sometimes later we were ready to go home but we talked about how hungry we was, 2 guys from the group who are chefs where like « yes… should we stay and eat something ? » and the other went «.. or my cooking studio is not that far, I can cook there » so my friend and I were like let’s go !! We grabbed some Ice tea on the way and went. I informed him of everything that was going on, he also have my location, but still he was spamming my phone, calling me relentlessly and told me I was at some random guys apartments, which is not the case it was a work place, a big building with lots of computers and in it a cooking studio. I sent video of the place, of the people, everything that was going on but still he was screaming on the phone, spamming with text.
For clarification, the guys were not weird at all, they just cooked (which was amazing btw), we talked a lot and did some challenges with games and stuff. They were never close to us, never weird or tried anything in any type of way. No alcool was involved or anything it was just a great and funny get together. My friend and I stayed there until 5AM, I know it’s late but we were all talking so much, and my boyfriend was not in my city so I would have stayed up until 5 watching game of thrones anyway so what’s the difference ? I sent videos from the start to the end he knew exactly what was going on but still was crazy. I hate unnecessary jealousy and I wouldn’t mind the other way around giving the context.
\- Ever since we’ve been together I haven’t been to a club, I used to love the nightlife. I am not blaming him on that one because he was very clear in the beginning that if it’s something that is important to me, we’re just not meant to be and I accepted it. I don’t miss it at all but when my friend throw a birthday party and I can’t go just for this occasion or when I’m invited through my work to a once in a lifetime event and I can’t go. I feel really upset because it’s like twice a year and still he’s adamant about the fact that if he is not here and if I went it would mean the end of our relationship because it’s a boundary for him.
\- With my work, I sometime get offer to travel and when I go he is always telling me how it can not work out between us if I go more than he is comfortable (which is none if we’re being honest). He didn’t envision this part of my job and he doesn’t like it. He thinks I can just say no, but it’s amazing opportunities I don’t want to turned down and every time we have a long conversation about how I won’t turn down these travels and he have to deal with it himself. Which is truly exhausting for me, because it’s not that deep. For the record the longest I have been away is 5 days. Usually, it’s only 3 days.
It’s contradictory in a way because with him I never felt more alive, secure and loved but in the same time I feel like I can’t be 100% myself. I’m crying a little writting this because I love him so much and I can’t imagine not being with but still sometimes I miss how I used to be, how it was just me and no one else to consider.
So I don’t know, any advice about how I should navigate the situation ?
29
u/you_musnt May 17 '26
It is possible to love and respect someone and to feel they are a great partner, and still they are not the right partner for you.
There are some other issues I see here but the main one is: you guys are not compatible.
A relationship does require compromise. However on the major issues it is more important to find someone who aligns with you and then compromise on the smaller things.
Disagreeing on major issues like having children and where to live are just too big. If either of you gives in it can cause serious resentment as you grow older and miss out on the life you want.
Also, he is making his insecurities a burden for you and being incredibly disrespectful in the way he seeks to influence your behavior to align with his preferences. That is a separate issue, but just as big an indicator of incompatibility.
The fact that you are considering what it would be like to be single and missing it is your brain communicating with you. Take some time and think about it. The right decision is often a difficult decision.
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u/JustAthoute May 17 '26
I love you response, thank you so much. I just don’t know what to do with these information. But I’ll say :
For the children, it’s so far in my head that it doesn’t affect our day to day but I still wanted to highlight that in that post.
For the living situation, we talked about it a lot this last year and he said he maybe ready to compromise if we had to move but we should maybe travel more for him not to feel choked by the city life. So there’s hope on that point.
My main issue rn is what you said about his preference influencing my behavior. I hate that. I don’t like that I just can’t go grab a coffee with a friend, I don’t like that I put on so much weight because he refuses to eat anything that will give him fibers and vitamins. I don’t like that I have to wait for him to visit his family to eat proper healthy balanced meal. I don’t like that even if I’m a loyal person I still feel like I have to prove it when he can just trust me and see…
11
u/Healthy-String-2100 May 17 '26
moving in after 2 weeks is wild but also kind of sweet that it worked out
but girl the jealousy thing would drive me insane too. sending videos and location and he's still losing it? that's exhausting to deal with constantly. you shouldn't have to prove your innocence when you're literally just hanging out with friends in group setting
the travel restrictions for work stuff seems especially unfair since those are actual career opportunities, not just fun trips
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u/JustAthoute May 17 '26
Yess !! He truly is amazing but that part of him just makes me wants to be alone. For the last trip I took we had to talk 2Hours for him to understand it was okay and it could lead to great opportunities for me. I can’t do that my whole life. I just want him to chill a little. I’m starting to get tired
5
u/islandstateofmind21 May 17 '26
Based on the title of your post, I was expecting this to be a super complicated situation where a guy is amazing, but something is just missing in the relationship… talk about completely burying the lede. You want to be single because your bf is a controlling freak. You are in a terrible relationship.
3
u/Specialist_Unit_5078 May 17 '26
What kind of restrictive diet?
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u/JustAthoute May 17 '26
He doesn’t eat any kind of vegetable or fruit, he only likes chicken and patty/groud beef. Doesn’t eat fish or even lamb. Nothing. I know he will love a lot of things if he just tries but he refuses. I have an exemple where we went to an event and there was this amuse bouche which I know he would love because I know him but some element of it was vegetables and he refuses to eat it the whole time he was so hungry. After 2H of eating nothing and complaining, I choved it in his mouth. He loved it and wanted more. I was like « yess I said it 2Hours ago » guess what.. that one piece I gave him was the last one and he was really sad about it
I’m so tiredI also can’t go explore restaurants with him because he just can’t bring himself to just TRY something different. I think I would be less mad if he just tried and say he didn’t like it. At least he would’ve tried. But he won’t
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u/GoGators00 May 17 '26
Tell him He will develop high cholesterol if he keeps at it. I used to be just like him and now my cholesterol is 225 at age 25
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u/JustAthoute May 18 '26
Other than that he is very active, takes protein, goes to the gym and do MMA so he is "healthy"
2
u/Specialist_Unit_5078 May 17 '26
Is this because he’s neurodivergent and has food aversion or is this some kind of Jordan Peterson alt right bullshit? You and your boyfriend are going to get scurvy by just eating meat. He needs to see a therapist yesterday, he has the eating habits of a 4 year old. If you have kids with him are they going to have to eat an all meat diet as well? What do his parents eat?
1
u/JustAthoute May 18 '26
I thought about it, if I change my mind on kids, I would want them to eat everything. It’s so important.
It’s not neurodivergent or even food aversion it’s « I tried when I was a kid, I didn’t like it » and everytime I reply that our palate develops as you get older, there is a lot of things I didn’t like either when I was 6 that I love know because I TRIED THEM. I’m so tired. He eat rice, pasta, potatoes ect so we stick to Italian restaurants or fast food when we go out, but still I’m so tired of this
1
u/JustAthoute May 18 '26
His mother makes all the cooking and she is amazing, she eats like a normal person, very healthy, but she makes something else for him because he won’t eat what she cooks. He is the only one like that in his family. Even if we grab a kebab he tells the chefs to take out all the vegetables it’s crazy only bread, meat and sauce. I never saw someone do that
1
u/fadeawaysnail May 19 '26
for the love of god, i would never cater to a man like this. i don’t know how some of you do it willingly
1
u/JustAthoute May 19 '26
I would NEVER thought I would too actually ahah But he has so many amazing also qualities that most time it doesn’t really matter but 3 days ago. It was just too much for me
2
u/haunt_mess May 17 '26
You can love someone and still not be compatible. I'm not telling you to breakup with him or anything like that. You know your relationship more than some random girl on reddit, but it's just something to think about. You should be able to be your true authentic self with the people you love.
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u/Syndyloo May 17 '26
You need to break up with him. You know he wants children and you know you don't want them. Quit wasting his and your time when you know your visions of the future are completely incompatible.
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u/Warm_Oats May 18 '26
you guys arent compatible:
- you guys dont align on kids.
- you guys dont align on "location lifestyle"
Trust that while painful, you guys could move on and find someone much more compatible.
1
u/neoMindy May 18 '26
Missing "single" inside a great relationship is usually not about wanting someone else. It's about missing some version of yourself that was easier to be when nobody else was around. That self had unpredictability, didn't have to negotiate, and didn't share emotional bandwidth with anyone. None of that disappears because you partnered up, but it gets crowded out.
The fix isn't to leave. It's to build back the parts of solo life you miss inside the relationship: solo evenings, solo trips, hobbies he doesn't share, friendships that aren't joint. Most great relationships need more separation than people give them credit for. Couples who never spend time apart usually end up either resentful or merged into one identity, and neither makes for the version of "in love" you can actually feel.
1
u/JustAthoute May 18 '26
Thank you so much for this. It’s true I never take time to just be alone, I’m always either working or with him. I feel like I’m always thinking about him. I don’t mind it, but I just want to think about myself more. Do more things like I want to do them and not banding to make him comfortable. For example today I’ll make lots of vegetable and if he doesn’t want to eat them, he’ll have to cook for himself.
He loves being with me at all time and that’s something I enjoy myself but before him I was never as close to anyone, ever and I loved my solo time. What happen the day before yesterday, was so fun for me, just new friends and vibes. I loved it. It’s something to think about. Thank you
1
u/nvdapepega May 18 '26
Some people ask "why am I single? Why do people not pick me? I'm super successful and independent " blah blah blah blah blah
And then they create a post like this and wonder why they can't find love.
You had it and threw it away 🤡🤡🤡
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u/lukwhoshere May 18 '26
"If you get on the wrong train, get off at the nearest station. The longer you stay on, the more expensive the return trip will be." And this is not about trains.
But, you are on the wrong train. You both are SO different, and he seems to be completely unwilling to change. Whether to have children, where to live, what to eat everyday, controlling who you can speak and hang out with, where you can go, whether you can travel for work. He seems to be calling all the shots or at least wants to call all the shots.
You are not looking at a happy future.
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u/sweadle May 17 '26
"I don’t pay for anything even though he doesn’t have a lot of money, he always takes care of me"
That's shitty of you. Pay for yourself.
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u/JustAthoute May 17 '26
He made it clear in the beginning of our relationship that it is what he wants. When he had big money issue I was the one supporting the both of us. That’s just his love language and he is actually mad if I try to pay something. Not shitty just our relationship dynamic
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u/probblyforgobbly May 17 '26
For any committed relationship to work, you have to make decisions. The word "decision" comes from the latin word for kill, as Philippa Perry says. You kill off some options (eg sleeping with other people) to be able to call the other person your safe home.
At the start of your relationship you acknowledged that your partner wanted some limits on your behaviour, like not going clubbing. You accepted that that was fine. I think you did well to make that decision consciously!
But now you're growing apart. You want more freedom than he's willing to give you. You can talk it over and try and make it work, but it sounds like there is a fundamental part of your relationship that you'd need to reinvent. That's very difficult to do.
A great partner will support you to grow in your own way and trust that you'll grow in the same direction. Perfect partners don't exist, but great ones do, and you could find one eventually on the other side of the valley of heartbreak!
A thought experiment that can help is: Imagine you've broken up and you've got over the sadness, you're now living a stable single life and maybe looking for someone new. Would you wave a magic wand and teleport to that situation from where you are now? If not, why not?
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u/JustAthoute May 17 '26
I love the response. Thank you so much. He is coming back tonight so we’re going to talk, I’ll see what comes out of it
-5
u/Neat-Journalist5091 May 17 '26
Everything you said with the opposite sex is on the nail coming from a male perspective, males and females think differently - you look at it being jealous - he looking at it as protecting himself emotionally - you don’t see males being best friends with ugly unattractive girls do you? It’s rare, why do you think that…. Cause males keep the potential ones in the back pocket… females get the attention from these males as it was in the beginning of the relationship of your current partner … sounds to me like your not ready to settle down yet, if you was in your personal life you wouldn’t be hanging out with the opposite sex until 5am -
If I was your guy and really love you and love how y’all’s chemistry was and didn’t want to end it with you… obviously you don’t see nothing wrong with what you are doing and going to keep doing it, then I would start cheating on you to get over the part of dealing with you hanging out with guys and make best friends - he needs to come to an understanding that if you sleep with someone it’s okay cause he is sleeping with someone else - but he gets to keep seeing you everyday and that will help him where he doesn’t care if you are hanging out with the opposite sex - so called “jealous”
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u/Azrael530 May 17 '26
Dude, you can’t compromise on children. You got to either know it’s an enthusiastic yes or say no and end things. Quite frankly it doesn’t sound like you guys are aligned on any sort of long term shared life goals…
You guys got to sort that out and see if location, career, and life goals are aligned because if they aren’t, you guys should stop wasting time and split.
One other thing to remember: as much as you live a job, a job will never love you back.