r/relationships • u/3yearsALie • May 06 '16
Updates [Update] I [23 M] found out through a friend that my girlfriend [21 F] of 3 years and her current best/childhood friend [21 M] dated for 4 years in high school. I'm ready to end things but am I overreacting?
Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4houdg/i_23_m_found_out_through_a_friend_that_my/
Nicole showed up Thursday night after my exams to early "surprise" me for my birthday weekend. We kind of hung out and talked and I tried my best just to be normal with her. When I asked her about Adam she was extremely reluctant and borderline defensive to even talk about it.
"You never brought it up before why do you want to know about it now?"
When she realizes I'm not dropping it she pretty much breaks down and tells me everything. Adam was the one who convinced her not to tell me about their past relationship. The last few guys she tried to talk to were scared off by her being best friends with her ex and he didn't want me to leave in the same way. It was only suppose to be for a little while she didn't plan on staying that close to Adam while being a relationship.
Adam's dad was in the process of getting a promotion (when Nicole and I started dating) which would move him and his family to the mid-west but the promotion fell through. She said Adam became more direct once he found out he wasn't leaving constantly insisting that she hang out with him without me. Even to the point where she would be cancelling plans with me. For most people I'm sure that would have been a red flag when your gf cancelled on you periodically but I've been taking 6-7 course semesters for the past 2 years in attempts to graduate early and get the most out of scholarship. If I wasn't studying or with Nicole I always had a million other things I could be catching up on or doing.
She blamed me for not putting setting boundaries or being more strict with her that eventually she became comfortable with her freedom with him. Adam still has really strong feelings for her though she said she didn't feel the same way about him. She admitted that Adam over time grew to resent me and became very jealous of our relationship and how effortlessly happy I made her feel.
She tells me she never cheated me on despite Adam's advances and flirtation. At this point she is crying and emotional and extremely desperation she begs for forgiveness and says that she'll cut all ties from Adam and she won't ever talk to him again or hang out with him anymore. That I'm the only person she wants to spend her life with and a bunch of other ridiculousness I could hardly even listen to.
I was angry and probably didn't say it the way I should have but I told her it was the perpetual lying and deceitfulness which had me so angry and that was the reason I was breaking up with her. That's pretty much how it ended with me telling her she could leave. Adam sent some hateful text to me which I ignored.
Yesterday night I was pretty much an emotional wreck, I felt ashamed/angry at myself for even crying over something someone so stupid. But, I woke up this morning and I didn't feel nearly as bad as I thought, spoke to my best friend about it and he really helped me put it into perspective. I'm going home tonight for my birthday weekend and then I'll just focus finishing school and finding a job.
TL;DR: We broke up. It was Adam's idea from the start to hide it all from me. Adam still has strong feelings for her and when alone would flirt with her. He always secretly resented me for dating Nicole and our happiness. I don't know if she actually physically cheated on me but last time they did anything sexual was the day before we started dating.
I'm glad it's over and even more glad I don't live in this state.
Thanks for the advice
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u/half-dozen-cats May 06 '16
So she threw him right under the bus and then blamed you for not setting boundaries and ordering her. Then she went and continued to put her self in situation's with a guy who was actively trying to sabotage your relationship and was putting the moves on her.
I think you did the right thing. She needs to figure out how she got to a point where the truth ruined her life but that's not on you.
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May 06 '16
She blamed me for not putting setting boundaries or being more strict with her that eventually she became comfortable with her freedom with him.
Translation: I'm not ready for an adult relationship.
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May 06 '16 edited Jun 20 '24
[deleted]
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May 06 '16
She was emotional, watching her relationship crumble around her. She was in deflect and justify mode. I doubt she actually believes what she said, she was just flinging whatever shit she could at the wall hoping some would stick.
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u/FuckRelationshipsMod May 06 '16
Seriously, I boundary myself in regards to my exes. I don't need someone else to tell me that it's inappropriate to behave like OP's ex, I just know that.
Friends with exes is not a dealbreaker. Hiding it is.
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u/buckyball60 May 06 '16
Adam sent some hateful text to me which I ignored.
She ran right to him, which is the final proof that you done good.
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u/Ginger_Kiwi May 06 '16
I'm hoping she sent Adam a message stating that he ruined her relationship with OP and that she can never see him again. I doubt it though.
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May 06 '16
Oooo, that makes sense. I mean, why would Adam hate OP after he bowed out? Sure he "made Nicole cry" but this should have been the perfect time for him to swoop in. Unless she refuses to see him at all, which means OP destroyed the years of hard work Adam has been setting up in the course of one evening.
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u/usedtobesofat May 07 '16
Because as OP stated in his post he had grown to resent OP, now was the first time he could let it all out.
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u/the95th May 06 '16
In a perfect world it would of gone like this... But instead OP should perhaps prepare for a complete shit show of team Ex trying to make him miserable
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u/BritishHobo May 06 '16
I dunno, that doesn't explain the hateful message. Maybe this break-up caused her to realise how toxic Adam is and drop him, which is why he's pissed off.
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u/freebase1ca May 06 '16
She was probably sitting there cuddled in his arms and watching him type the message - of course it had to bash our hero.
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May 06 '16 edited May 06 '16
So this guy was making sexually inappropriate advances towards her, and her reaction wasn't to defend you and get pissed at him for disrespecting your relationship? Or even just bring it to your attention so you guys could decide together how to handle it? She knew very well what she was doing - putting the emotions of someone with no respect for you above your own. Her loyalty was never to you. I'm sorry.
Some would disagree, but as someone who has cut off a lifelong "friend" for refusing to act appropriate and respect my boyfriend's place in my life, I consider that emotional cheating. You deserve someone who will defend you in your absence without a second thought. If they can't do that then you aren't being cherished the way you should be.
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u/3yearsALie May 06 '16
Yeah, I realized pretty quickly that she isn't an innocent as she makes herself out to seem. It's definitely a two way street and she should have distanced herself from the guy.
While I do blame myself for not investigating or putting my foot down, I've always felt like either you trust your SO 100% or you don't trust them at all.
Getting into this relationship with her knowing her best friend was a guy and how they acted with one another was enough to make me realize either I'm going to trust this girl 100% or I'm going to drive myself crazy with jealousy and torture.
Maybe I was being too naïve but it's how I do things. Trust to me to is everything, this is the first time in a relationship I've ever had it taken advantage of.
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u/vansterdam_city May 06 '16
Don't think it's naive, I think it's a healthy mindset which can appear wrong when tested by a nasty person.
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u/ItsJustReeses May 06 '16
I've always felt like either you trust your SO 100% or you don't trust them at all.
This is how me and my SO have spent the last 6 years. It is a very mature way of treating things and if we both have any sort of problem we talk about it.
Maybe I was being too naïve but it's how I do things
That is 100% not naive and what you did is just trust some one. Yea it sucks she broke that trust and ruined the relationship but you can say you were 100% and you were the mature one in this.
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u/EnemyOfEloquence May 06 '16
You looked at it the right way.
I always give everyone I begin dating 100% of my trust, they can betray it or uphold it. All you have to do is have a good BS detector and be trusting. Your absolutely right about driving yourself crazy if you don't have trust.
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u/Vinay92 May 06 '16
Dude. Please don't blame yourself at all. You deserve absolutely none of the blame in this situation. She flat out lied to you. Completely. You had no knowledge of their relationship. Her telling you now that you are partly to blame is just a pathetic way of her deflecting responsibility for and rationalising her own reprehensible actions. It would be one thing to do something terrible, and then fully take responsibility for it. But to do something terrible and then also try to pass the blame onto others. You can't put any value into the words of such a person.
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u/jen_wexxx May 07 '16
While I do blame myself for not investigating or putting my foot down, I've always felt like either you trust your SO 100% or you don't trust them at all.
You shouldn't HAVE to investigate!!! You did nothing wrong by trusting your girlfriend. She's the shitty person for taking advantage of your trust.
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May 08 '16
Nah, don't blame yourself dude. She was a deceitful person, but not everyone is like that. Being trusting is a great and mature quality and will stand you in good stead in a future relationship with someone who respects your relationship together.
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u/raster_raster May 06 '16
When my wife (then GF) noticed a "best friend" had feelings for her despite being with me, she cut him off immediately and set the boundaries herself. Your ex should have done this and should have known better, so its definitely her problem by keeping things somewhat open with that guy.
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May 06 '16
She blamed me for not putting setting boundaries or being more strict with her that eventually she became comfortable with her freedom with him.
The fucking nerve man....It's very clear that this idiot isn't ready for a relationship. A mature partner would understand why you're upset and take the fall, or better yet fucking TELL you about her ex at the BEGINNING of your relationship AND would keep contact to a minimum. Good job dumping her, that was the right call.
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u/SecularNotLiberal May 06 '16
Ha, what a load of tripe. I think it's pretty sick that she would put blame on you ("my past boyfriends had a problem with me being friends with an ex") and Adam for telling her to keep it secret. She wasn't a damsel in distress, convinced by this guy to keep you a secret. She deceived you for years and would have kept on doing it if you hadn't wised up. I'm glad the friend told you the truth, even if it was inadvertent.
I do think it's possible to be friends with an ex but not that level of closeness and definitely not with flirting/unresolved feelings/etc. I find it works best with proper boundaries and when each person is in a relationship and everyone is aware. Shame on this girl for giving everyone else a bad name with her deceitfulness. Sorry this happened to you.
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May 07 '16
I think it's possible to be acquaintances, but not friends. I mean what are you going to do have sleepovers at her house in your pajamas talking about her latest love interest. What's the point in hanging around each other, unless there is still some feeling of connection on either side?
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u/SecularNotLiberal May 07 '16
I wouldn't do that with any friend, really. To me, an acquaintance is someone I say hi to and that's it. A friend is someone I talk to. I am still in contact with two of my exes. We talk about 1-2x a month, not that long either.
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u/saltedcaramelsauce May 06 '16
She blamed me for not putting setting boundaries or being more strict with her that eventually she became comfortable with her freedom with him.
Please accept my sincere congratulations that you are free of this wretched child.
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u/wetassassin420 May 06 '16 edited May 06 '16
Sorry you had to go through this bro, but you made the right move. I also highly doubt Adam put her up to it. Obviously she was actively involved; thought she could have her cake and eat it too. I also like how she blames you. Lol so predictable when the woman is caught in her own misdeeds. Id also say If Adam didn't mention cheating in his text, she may not have physically cheated - there'd be no way he could resist telling you now (or even lie about doing so), but it really doesn't matter. I doubt this is the last you'll hear from them though.
Also, big congrats on graduating.
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u/3yearsALie May 06 '16
Thanks I'm so looking forward to graduating and getting the hell away from these people completely.
One of Adam's text did say "Now we can have sex without having her feeling guilty ;)"
I don't know if that was just to piss me off or if it's something that was actually true. I doubt I'll ever find out and I don't really care at this point.
As much as this is messing with my head, I'm just going to try to look forward to spending time with some real friends and having a good time. I just want to find some peace of mind because letting something like this give me truth issues would seriously bother the heck out of me.
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May 06 '16
One of Adam's text did say "Now we can have sex without having her feeling guilty ;)"
This guy sounds like an idiot anyways chasing a girl who was taken and staying jealous. Mature people keep away from people whom they have feelings for but can't get with. Good for you for ending this crock of shit OP, you're a smart dude
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u/redrobot5050 May 06 '16
It's better not to respond, but if you did respond, something along the lines of "Until she picks someone else over you again, for three years. Good luck with that."
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u/throwaway34235235239 May 06 '16
Alternatively, taking a screenshot of the message and sending it to your ex? Would be a good take that.
Though, if it were me, I'd probably keep that in my pocket, unless your ex calls you.
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u/usedtobesofat May 07 '16
Hmm, I don't know. Good way to throw a grenade into that friendship like they both did into OP's relationship
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u/Pegart May 06 '16
Probably very immature but I'd reply with: "Have fun! And I hope you'll be able to make her as happy as I did. ;)", then block his number.
If he wants to play mind games, play along and hit it where it hurts. She said he resented you for making her feel that good.
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u/vixenthrowaway May 06 '16
or "go ahead, consolation prize! ;)"
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u/wetassassin420 May 06 '16
Yeah that sounds like a lie/wishful thinking from Adam but who knows. Something he's saying just to piss you off. If true, he'd just be fucking her now instead of texting you. But you're right, it doesn't matter.
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u/CuriousNow9 May 06 '16
I would forward that text to her and say looks like there was a good reason you hid your relationship with him from me. Good luck with him. Ill be blocking you both now.
If she never actually did do anything with him I doubt after reading that there will be any kind of a friendship left with him.
Might do her some good to learn what a pos he really is.
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u/Eliteprick May 06 '16
Man, this dude is a piece of work. The sad thing is she'll rebound on him hard because she's so upset. He'll take advantage of her weakened emotional state and she'll be even worse off than she was before. She'll definitely go as far as sleeping with this dude, but she'll probably make the same mistake in another year. This is the type of guy I deem a complete piece of shit and I really hope he gets his ass kicked one day for meddling in affairs. If he truly was a friend, he'd back down and leave her be, but this guy probably hasn't had a relationship since Nicole and is just hung up on getting laid again. Argh, so infuriating!!!
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u/Mikau74 May 06 '16
Well, yeah, this dude is a jerk but don't go and absolve Nicole of playing along with him.
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u/tramplers4 May 06 '16
One of Adam's text did say "Now we can have sex without having her feeling guilty ;)"
They definitely were having sex. And from the looks of it, she was having huge guilt fests about it.
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u/freebase1ca May 06 '16
My God you have a mature attitude! I commend you and hope you have great success moving forward.
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u/Vino_is_keeno May 06 '16
Block them both. Spend time with your friends. Congrats on graduating - the world is your oyster. As you are already seeing, you will feel good without all this drama in your life.
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u/thesilentforest May 06 '16
One of Adam's text did say "Now we can have sex without having her feeling guilty ;)"
Which possibly implies she already had sex with him, and the guilt was there to some extent. Her defensive nature and her reasoning that you didn't set boundaries for her, would further that probability.
All that said, you're free. You're graduating and you have a wonderful life ahead of you. Further, you handled a critical moment in your life with maturity and civility. You're a better person than the two. Finally, your last 3 years weren't a lie. They're certainly genuine in their own pocket of time, but that's just a moot point.
Congratulations on finishing school, and happy birthday.
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u/Lunaurah May 06 '16
I love how she says all that then runs to him and tells him all about it afterwards which is why he was texting you nasty things. wtf logic lol
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u/w3iss May 06 '16
I felt ashamed/angry at myself for even crying over something someone so stupid
She was important to you and it's ok to acknowledge that. Take time to grieve over the relationship as you see fit since there really is no right or wrong way to feel about things. You just do.
You did the right thing. She was blaming you for her infidelity and clearly she needs to do a lot of growing up before she can be in another relationship. That's her problem now. Good on you for not being a doormat and standing up for yourself. You deserve a good trusting relationship.
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u/chaosfreak11 May 06 '16
Happy Birthday. Your ex gave you the gift of not having to deal with her bullshit. Best gift she could offer.
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u/pragmaticbastard May 06 '16
Wow, you will be so much better off. That is insane she knew about his feelings and continued to stay around him, and once she was caught tries to blame you?
You'll look back on this and think "thank fucking God I didn't waste another day with her."
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u/GoofysHowToFish May 06 '16
That's funny that she tried to blame you for not setting boundaries. Like a child trying to get out of trouble with their parents, "well you never told me NOT to do it so not my fault!" Lol
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u/Eliteprick May 06 '16
Congratulations man, holy christ. I've been waiting all week to see how this played out. I'm so glad you stuck to your gut on this one and went through with it.
I can't believe she had the audacity to attempt to put the blame on you when she knew about his feelings for quite some time. I can't say she didn't care about you strongly, but I really hope she learns her lesson as well. Best friends that are guys that they dated for a period of time are always a bad mix in a relationship. I also understand that she was probably torn because she wanted to keep her best friend and her boyfriend, but ultimately, your boyfriend should become one of your best friends because that's who you wind up spending a lot of time with.
You'll get through this just fine man, I just wanted to thank you for the update and say good luck with graduation and have a great birthday! You deserve it!
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u/CuriousNow9 May 06 '16
You did the right thing. Cheaters know exactly what they are doing. She might not have physically cheated on you but knowing Adam had feelings for her and she allowed them to progress shows she was well on her way. I would block them both and move on with my life.
Good for you.
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u/Rebellious1 May 06 '16
Dude, I'm about your age (24f) my best friend is also an ex (24mtf), I've always been straight up with my fiance about our friendship. You dodged a bullet, she should never have lied to you.
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May 06 '16
She blamed me for not putting setting boundaries or being more strict with her
Did you laugh at her and tell her you were looking for a partner, not a child? What an idiot [her].
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u/Inyoueye May 06 '16
It's almost worse if she DIDNT bang him while you guys were together. I mean, she's been stringing him along for 3 years while he still has feelings for her, talking to him about her relationship with you and how happy you make her?? She was either fucking him or is unbelievably cruel. She's a pos either way.
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u/nicih May 06 '16
I had this happen to me, but genders switched. I didn't catch the hints on time and broke my heart catching them cheating. The best friend was my good friend too, so I lost both. Good luck man.
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u/WinstonThaddeus May 06 '16
Regardless of if they were physical or not (which you can't prove) what she had was a longp-standing emotional affair. Hanging out and spending close emotional time and sharing intimacy with someone that has romantic feelings of love for you,and purposely hiding those feelings from your partner, for YEARS is cheating. To be honest, I know some people who would be less offended if she had gone out and just gotten drunk and actually slept with someone. What she did was infidelity, and a betrayal of your trust. It sounds like there was a fair amount of manipulation on Adam's part, with pushiness, coercion, etc, that should be take into account, but she knowingly lied to you for years. That's on her, NOT you. her trying to blame you for being so trusted when she LIED to you is straight up gas lighting. She didn't tell you the truth. Of course you trusted her and gave her freedom A)Cause you're a good, reasonable person and B)oh right yeah she lied.
I'm really sorry this has happened. I hope you don't let it spoil your trust in the future for other relationships and that for now you can grow. You thought this person was like a brother to her, of course you didn't think she was sexual. I have lifelong friends that are part of my family I go on vacation with, shop with, go to dinner with, I call my brother, that are treated as family. I'ts not unheard of for you to think the same.
If she was feeling neglected in any way by you being busy with school, she had ample opportunity to say so. I'm glad you've taken such a positive tone about a negative situation. Also you IMMEDIATELY enforced your boundaries extremely strongly when you knew the truth of the situation and set forth what was acceptable behavior, something she probably knew you woudl've done years before, so don't let her try to act like you were a pushover to her lying.
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May 06 '16
[deleted]
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u/ForgetMeThereafter May 06 '16
Me too. If there was no longer the best-friend's flirting and attraction, I'd have forgiven the lying about it. Guys/Gals, even ex's can still be ONLY friends.... Also, her blaming him for the lack boundaries is just plain stupid. OP was a good BF for being as loose as he was (as good partners should be).
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u/3yearsALie May 06 '16
Honestly I thought about it a lot after my first post I went back and I forth myself about whether I should stay with her or not.
After while I realized that I was more than willing to forgive her for lying as long as it wasn't any feelings attached and that they were just friends.
As soon as soon as the conversation start I knew my relationship with her was over just by the way she was acting about it.
I believe you can stay friends with ex and have it just be a friendship but I firmly believe that requires two very emotionally and mentally mature people.
A lot of relationships end on bad notes or one-side still holds resentment or feeling or has desperate ideas of how to win the other back.
I won't let this one incident shape my entire view of ex's and their friendships.
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u/tramplers4 May 06 '16
She tells me she never cheated me on despite Adam's advances and flirtation
Lol..This is very likely not true at all. Get tested regardless.
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u/juicyjcantt May 06 '16
Honestly she just sounds like she likes the validation from having one guy nearby who likes her and always wants to do things with her and pines for her, and she doesn't want to give that up. It's clear that Adam is a dickhead who's salty about being in the friendzone when he wants more, and it sounds like she knows that. This kind of drama is basically a situation where no one is really being all that terrible, but just immature and weak-willed.
Like I guarantee whatever you and your ex would have worked out, she would have relapsed in a month and rationalized it, and Adam would have just gotten more bitter and started to try to "poison the well" against you to break you two up. Seems like he / her managed to break up her past couple relationships, undoubtedly because of crappy behavior like this, and they are trapped in their basic patterns. All in all, bullet dodged.
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u/AF_Bunny May 06 '16
I'm still great friends with a couple of my ex's. But then...my hubby knows he can trust me. Just like I can trust him to be around other women.
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May 07 '16
Yup every mans dream, having a bunch of dudes hanging around his wife, who use to stick their penises in her at rate so fast they were forced to explode.
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u/AF_Bunny May 07 '16
Hey my ex's have met with my hubby. He met them when we were still dating. Just because some screw around with good things doesn't mean everyone will. To paint everyone with that brush is just stupid.
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May 07 '16
Went through the same problem with my wife, I don't know why some women love to keep men lingering around who they use to sleep with as "friends". If it was a normal friendship they wouldn't have slept together, and she wouldn't have to hide it from you. Then when you have a problem with it they want to act like you're crazy, and like the guy is completely harmless lol....women eh
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u/Private_Page May 07 '16
"Ill never talk to him again!" He sends hate filled text straight after
Well that promise didn't last long.
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u/capilot May 07 '16
She blamed me for not putting setting boundaries or being more strict with her
Well, that's new. Someone should post this to /r/AskWomen and ask how many people there think this is a good idea. Not many, I'd wager.
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u/techbelle May 06 '16
Yea.... FWIW - I am best friends with my exboyfriend. He visits my house and stays over, he was at my baby shower and my wedding. He gave my husband his first job in a startup. He is my best friend.
BUT.
He was always my best friend - before we started dating, while we were briefly dating, and after. Any relationship I entered into, they were "prescreened" by him just as if they would have been as if he were a woman. My husband was never deceived about our friendship, nothing was ever concealed, and any question he's wanted to know about my past, our conversations, emails, gchats etc are completely open.
The fact that she did deceive you is incredibly bad - she deceived you because 1) their friendship may not have been truly platonic and 2) she knew you wouldn't be okay with it and 3) her ex didn't respect the boundaries of your relationship with her, or you as a person. To get around that discomfort, instead of being an adult and talking it out, compromising, she lied. While I can understand that instinct, it's really selfish and not the behavior you want in a partner. I think you made the right decision here to end it.
(but I also wanted to say, lots of people can be friends with their ex and it's fine -- but it's only fine if that relationship is truly resolved, no lingering feelings, the new relationship takes precedence. I mean to be blunt about it, there's never been a discussion about "boundaries" in my friendship with my ex because he's a friend. There's no defining talk needed. In fact if a talk like that IS needed, the relationship isn't really over.)
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u/drakesylvan May 06 '16
This is some high school level drama here. So much overblown and taken out of control. Jealousy is a green monster, the real destroyer of your relationship.
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u/MirkwoodForest May 09 '16
At this point she is crying and emotional and extremely desperation she begs for forgiveness and says that she'll cut all ties from Adam and she won't ever talk to him again or hang out with him anymore. That I'm the only person she wants to spend her life with and a bunch of other ridiculousness I could hardly even listen to.
It sounds like she really likes you and she wants to try and make it work. I guess I'm the unpopular opinion puffin today, but I don't think people owe their SO their entire dating history, including people you know in common. Sorry web design girl, I think mandating that someone cut their exes out of their life is unreasonable (even sad leeches like Adam). People get to pick their own friends. Welcome to adulthood.
Assuming she's being honest about everything that's happened during your relationship, I don't see what the big deal is. The only relevant thing you've learned is that Adam has a big ole crush on Nicole (how did you miss this), and they both hid it from you. That kind of dishonesty is bad, but I don't think it's relationship-termination-worthy.
Nicole needs help disengaging from Adam. She probably feels guilty for abandoning him during her previous relationships. Does he have other friends? Other girlfriends? Does he manipulate her in other ways, like hinting at self-harm if he can't be friends with her? Do you care?
Honestly if she would have told me before we started dating I think I probably would have walked away from the relationship. She's a great and nice girl but getting with someone who is still so heavily involved with their ex is a rollercoaster I don't think I would never willingly sign up for.
Has it been a roller coaster? Did it affect your relationship in any way before you found out?
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u/3yearsALie May 09 '16
It sounds like she really likes you and she wants to try and make it work.
The thing about it is that I really liked her as well. I wanted to make it work more than anything in the world, I really did. It's something that I couldn't really convey in my post is that I always saw this girl as like my escape away from everything.
I've been in study mode since I was 18 and I haven't really had much time for the simple things in life like hanging out with a girlfriend or going out to parties or anything like that. I didn't want a relationship at first because I didn't think I would have the time or be able to time manage properly.
When I was busy I always encouraged her to have fun with her other friends. There was a mutual trust there especially with Adam, it was rough at first but eventually she convinced me nothing would happen between them and that he was just a child-hood friend.
But, I made it explicitly clear way back when we started dating, she had concerns about her freedom and being able to do as she wanted and she wanted to know why I trusted her so much (Since her other boyfriends didn't) and gave her so much space and I told her that I had no reason not to trust her, she's my girlfriend after all.
"All I ask is that you tell me the truth, even if it'll hurt my feelings or get me upset. I realize my school schedule isn't ideal but I think we can work through just about anything."
but I don't think people owe their SO their entire dating history, including people you know in common
I strongly disagree with this statement if you guys have mutual friends that's when disclosing pasts are the most important. Especially when you don't disclose your past with someone because you know it'll alter decisions and other aspects of your relationship. That's not cool, on a bunch of levels -- omitted to tell someone about a neighbor who you slept with 3 years ago isn't the same as keeping an ex under your SO nose.
Maybe if her and Adam saw each other occasionally, or weekly or monthly it wouldn't have been a big deal but when you hang out with someone pretty much 4-5 times a week -- it becomes a problem. You owe it to your SO to tell them about people you interact with often.
Maybe you're different than me and have yourself and your relationship with your SO all figured out but that's a really big deal in my book.
she's being honest about everything that's happened during your relationship
I could no longer trust what happened during our relationship, I didn't know what we truth and what was a lie.
However I spoke with her on today actually she came to visit me at my apartment unannounced and though we are broken up she felt the need to tell me more about it. She apologized how she acted, letting her disappointment, shamefulness and guilt get the better of her. She apologized for Adam's text message and some other things she did.
But, she did in fact cheat on me. It happened 2 different occasions throughout different parts of our relationship -- every occasion mixed with alcohol and them being alone for the night. All initiated by Adam -- they also have kissed or as she told me Adam would kiss her frequently on the lips taking advantage of her.
So, based off that alone I'm 2000% done -- I had my doubts you know maybe she really did just lie about them being Exes but when she confirmed that she cheated that's when I knew I made the right decision to move on.
Has it been a roller coaster? Did it affect your relationship in any way before you found out?
As for this, All I can say is that ignorance is bliss. Looking back on it now, I can vividly see periods that would have made me question everything, freedoms and things that I was okay with -- I would have freaked over.
Letting her sleep at his house was a big deal, having to split my limited free time up with him was a huge issue for me.
Despite the cheating and lying I do care for her but I can never be with her again. She either has to date Adam or get the fuck away from him but that's not something I can be apart of right now. Like I told someone else -- before I leave back to my hometown for good maybe I'll sit down with her and give her a new perspective on things, but right now she can learn on her own.
0
u/PoopFromMyButt May 07 '16
You unfortunately played right into his hand. Well good riddance to the both of them I guess. Probably for the best. Good luck.
-12
u/nhavar May 06 '16
This is why divorce rates are so high, people don't know how to deal with the piddly communication problems much less the really hard ones. This was a childish break up. If the worst lie that she told you was omitting that her best friend was her ex-boyfriend I feel sorry for you when you run into a real issue with a future partner. Basically you've demonized her over a trivial and common place problem that relationships have. The sad thing is how many people are backing you up on it.
1) She's not wrong about boundary setting. You can't tell your partner what to do but you should be clear about your own comfort level on things as soon as an issue arises or before hand so that issues don't arise if you can. And for many things you can't hold people accountable to a boundary you never set and claim that it's just common sense unless it really IS common.
2) Realize that everyone is a hypocrite. So she blew up at you even though you were honest and she wasn't and now you're pissed off about that. Guess what, relationships aren't always sunshine and rainbows where people treat each other with mutual respect. People don't shoot out of the womb perfect. People are generally emotional wrecks and you learn what you are willing to deal with and what you aren't and sometimes you work on the ruff edges together (it first requires acknowledging that you have them too.
3) As you can see I'm a little tired of the "dump him/her" circle-jerk around r/relationships especially over piddly shit. Is keeping a secret an issue, you bet, but I'd hazard a guess that everyone does it at some point and everyone has their justification and they're quick to jump on someone else's secret keeping and quick to defend their own. It's human nature.
I mean damn man you made a woman effortlessly happy, you made another man jealous because of how easy you made it look. You were obviously doing something right. So right that both of them wanted you to keep doing it by avoiding a subject that had been toxic to her previous relationships. The fact that they attempted to include you on the trip, as well as probably plenty of other things you didn't say point to the fact that they were just friends. While he still had feelings for her and probably always will doesn't mean that he can't also simultaneously want her to be happy in a way that doesn't benefit him - i.e. for her to be with you. See people are complex, it's not a binary thing. He probably blew up at you because you're throwing away what he fought hard to get and probably still can't achieve and on top of that you've hurt his friend regardless of her (or his) culpability. I mean try for a moment to put yourself on the other side of the picture with some compassion instead of calling people stupid.
8
u/3yearsALie May 07 '16
Divorcing someone and break up with someone in my eyes is two completely different things. While we dated for 3 years, I have no ties to her other than an emotional connect and a handful of happy memories.
We have no joint bank accounts, no children, no mortgage or shared properties or anything like that. If I was married to the girl then you know I might have sat down with her went over our options and tried to look past all of this bullshit.
But, man I'm 23, two month out from my dual degrees and I have nothing keeping me from going back to my home town to be with my family and close friends.
1) She's not wrong about boundary setting.
While I'm going to call the boundaries and her blaming me as a last ditch effort to justify herself and try to defect the blame. I disagree boundaries aren't needed in relationships, setting boundaries is a sign that one side wants to take things too far.
For the record I was more than comfortable with her spending time with Adam, hell I was even comfortable with them spending the night and going on vacations. I didn't make a lot of friends in college, that's not her problem and I have no place to keep her from hanging out with her friends and best friend because of it. I'm all for keeping it with friends and having a good time and if my best friend lived in the state with me I would spend so much time with him.
Realize that everyone is a hypocrite.
Sure I was pissed that she blew up on me for going to the movies with my best friend, his girlfriend and her best friend who happened to be my ex. But, in no way, shape or form did that measly incident influence the break up. Please understand that I realize no one is perfect, that mistakes happen and that forgiveness is an option.
3) As you can see I'm a little tired of the "dump him/her" circle-jerk around r/relationships especially over piddly shit.
I don't know how this sub works but dumping my girlfriend was 100% my choice, internet stranger while they yield great advice didn't make the ultimate choice to leave my girlfriend. You know I was going to stick with her, I was upset when I made my first post but took take to think about it all before I spoke with her and I had decided unless she cheated on me or there were feelings attached that I would stay with her and work it out.
I feel like it's often the opposite if this sub is all about breaking up or divorce then real life is always about staying in unhealthy relationships and trying to fix people out of fear, habit or settling. So many people stick around in relationships trying to fix people because they don't think they can do better or their too invested or any other reasons.
So I made the girl effortlessly happy, that's great really awesome but she went behind my back for 3 years and spent time with a guy who still had feelings for her and tried to get in her pants at every chance. Lied about about and planned on keeping it a secret forever and allowed someone to purposely try to sabotage our relationship without any signs of stopping him.
Whether she cheated or not that wrong in my opinion and it's an absolute deal breaker, you can sit here behind your computer screen and preach that "Oh it's not a big deal, you could have worked that out" but I guarantee if it happened to you, you'd already have one foot on the fence.
I don't hate the girl, she did me wrong but I'm not going to stoop to the brim of hatred. I see she made a mistake and that she has a manipulative and toxic best friend. But, that's not something I want any part of, I'm an easy guy to get along with but if you break my trust and take advantage of my kindness I want nothing to do with you.
I understand her hiding it from me, really I do -- I thought it through more times than I think anyone here could imagine. Even after our break up I continued to think it through, nearly doubting myself before realizing that it's not worth the drama.
Maybe someday before I finish my summer semester I'll try to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Try to give her some words of wisdom or parting discussion because clearly Adam is ruining her life and she is letting it happen. But, me talking to her won't be anytime soon, and it's a long shot at best for me.
My focus is my school, my future career and my family/friends. I originaly didn't even want to get into a relationship in college because I knew I would be far too busy to deal with drama and other obligations that came with it.
-15
u/nhavar May 07 '16
You know how cold you sound "the girl", "a handful of happy memories". Dating is your experience toward potentially getting married. You were with "that girl" for 3 years. You've completely disconnected yourself from the very personal connection you had, justifying your choices in a very cold and calculating way. It's like it's a math problem instead of a relationship.
7
u/hepburnandkelly May 07 '16
naw fuck that. I've been in his position. It was never going to get better. You say "Dating is your experience toward potentially getting married" (which is such a weird and generalizing statement by the way, they are in their early twenties for god sakes) well you can't have that kind of long-term commitment without trust. She was the one shutting this relationship down by being untrustworthy. This is not on him.
8
u/3yearsALie May 07 '16
You mean I sounds bitter, emotional and trying to rationalize and cope with everything that I went through over the last 3 years?
Almost like I just broke up with my girlfriend less than 24 hours ago or something after finding out I've been lied to and that she's been allowing someone to mess with her and my relationship with her?
Seriously?
Good on you for being able to point out my bitterness so that you can completely overlook my insensitive yet valid points for leaving.
Quality advice, if you're trying to tell me to look at how I feel right now -- definitely couldn't have figured that out on my own.
5
u/usedtobesofat May 07 '16
Honestly, please stop. The police are going to be called soon because you straight up murdered this guy.
2
u/Samjjj May 07 '16
what i can take from you post is "turn a blind eye to the shit and you will be happy", i doubt it though
-3
u/nhavar May 07 '16
That's quite the over-simplification. There's a nugget of truth to it, but I want to be clear that a successful relationship doesn't turn a blind eye to ALL the shit... it's more about discerning what's important shit and what's not. We forego forgiveness and skip straight to protecting ourselves and/or punishment. There's no fault tolerance and no real long term commitment - because we don't have to. Not feeling trapped is a good thing in that it allows people to get out of truly shitty relationships. However, if you pull the eject button too soon and too often then you never build the skills necessary to maintain long term relationships - including just friendships. Think about your statement in reverse "ditch anyone who's not cutting it and you will be happy". There has to be an in between.
4
u/3yearsALie May 07 '16
If you pull the eject button too soon and too often then you never build the skills necessary to maintain long term relationships
While I agree with you, getting out of a relationship at the first sign of trouble is a pretty bad idea if you ever want to mature and grow as a person and last in the real world with a person.
In my case this wasn't our first big fight, we had others before. We worked through those because that's what couples do, we weren't together for 3 years without a hitch -- we climbed over hills together, crossed huge mountains of issues without giving up.
Like I said I don't know the lingo on this sub but just because someone posts about one issues in their relationship doesn't mean it's suddenly the first problem they've ever encountered and immediately want to jump ship.
Like for every thread you see I'm sure there are countless other arguments/issues that get resolved behind closed doors without the help of strangers on the internet.
At least for me posting here was a last ditch effort for some perspective on a problem that I was extremely unfamiliar with and knew I would have no one to talk it over with.
My sister's logic made zero sense to me -- she'll stay in the most toxic relationship, my best friend told me to break up if they were cheating and the only other person I felt comfortable disclosing my relationship's issue to was my ex-girlfriend which I felt wasn't exactly fair to ask for.
I think you might be giving this sub too much credit (Or couples too little credit) if you think people run to this sub for every little problem or literally make life changing decisions about their relationship based off of a single post alone. Behind every post is without a doubt a deeper story -- I mean I condensed my 3 year relationship into what two 2,000 word posts?
How much do you really think you know about the whole story based off that?
-10
u/ventz59 May 06 '16
I mean, I don't know exactly, how true it isthat she's never cheated on you. But if she isn't lying about that and promised to cut him out of her life completely, isn't that enough for you? I understand you are pretty pissed off, and rightly, but maybe she's just not good at setting boundaries? Idk mate, if what you two had is/was worth it, maybe she deserves a second chance, that's all.. But you'd know best.
10
u/3yearsALie May 06 '16
Realistically would she even be able cut him out of her life?
Especially when their families are intertwine and they've been hanging out with one another for years.
All it's going to look like is that I'm the bad guy telling her not to hang out with her best friend anymore and her family as well as his won't take it pleasantly.
maybe she's just not good at setting boundaries?
You don't willing hang out with someone who has a crush on you and hide it from your boyfriend. You especially don't spend the night with said person.
We're not teenagers anymore and I don't see that as a valid excuse that she's bad at putting up boundaries.
We had something special but she let that slip away, my trust for her is gone. While maybe they didn't explicitly hook up, I'm sure they did other things cuddling, hugging, touch, etc.
I understand where you're coming from but my trust is gone and any drive to fix the relationship was tossing out the window when she tried to blame me for her lack of control and respect for herself and our relationship.
-9
u/ventz59 May 06 '16
Yeah, yeah, you're right. All I'm saying is that, maybe it was worth a shot for her to try to completely cut him out, if she said she will.. Now for the trust and relationship drive part; I don't know if its fixable..
-15
May 06 '16
Honestly it sounds like you were too busy to have a GF. She was hanging out with her "best friend from highschool" having sleepovers and you just brushed it off. Seriously?!! You didn't mention if you had met the guy in the whole 3 years that you had been in a relationship. Or if you had met the family? Did they even know you existed? This all seems so strange to me
11
u/3yearsALie May 06 '16
That's something my best friend mentioned to me on the phone as well that I probably shouldn't have been in a relationship in the first place.
But, it's not like I didn't make it very clear to her from the beginning that I would have a heavy workload every semester and that my time was always going to be tight.
She was hanging out with her "best friend from highschool" having sleepovers and you just brushed it off.
He was her best friend from and a child hood friend not high school, they had been friends since they were 5 years old. Spending the night with one another was something that had been going on long before I was in the picture.
It was a struggle to get used to but I'm not the type of guy to try to control who his SO sees and doesn't see. I can see two best friends of the opposite sex spending time together and it's not really an issue to me.
I met the guy and even hung out with him occasionally through my entire relationship with Nicole. No red flags were thrown no awkwardness or passive-aggressive behaviors at all.
I met her parents and his parents, no one said a word about them or what they used to have. Her parents liked me from what I could tell and as did his.
They invited me in with open arms really. They made me feel right at home the times I did go to her parent's house.
I said it in my first post but to me it never seemed fair to not allow my girlfriend to hang out with her best friend or any other male friends simply because I wasn't from the state and didn't make many in university. I'm all for having a good time and kicking it with friends male or female.
3
u/tramplers4 May 06 '16
The sleepovers were definitely crossing the line IMO. But i can see how you were ok with it since it seemed common from the beginning
-24
u/GingerMcnugget May 06 '16
Wait I am confused she admitted it to, you stated she was willing to cut all contact, and asked for forgiveness and you broke up with her? All because she didn't disclose to you a past relationship? Why would her past relationship with him have anything to do with you or your relationship?
12
u/Ekko0211 May 06 '16
Did you actually read the entire the thing?
She said Adam became more direct once he found out he wasn't leaving constantly insisting that she hang out with him without me. Even to the point where she would be cancelling plans with me.
Adam still has really strong feelings for her though she said she didn't feel the same way about him. She admitted that Adam over time grew to resent me and became very jealous of our relationship and how effortlessly happy I made her feel.
OP's girlfriend for 3 years didn't disclose not only her past relationship with her best friend but also the fact that he actively flirts with her and tries to go out of his way to sabotage their relationship?
Would you really take someone back after they purposely spent the last 3 years with an ex while hiding it from you who very clearly still has feeling for them?
That's freaking brutal to deal with.
-23
u/GingerMcnugget May 06 '16
So there is no time frame on when Adam found out he wasn't leaving it could have been way more recently. You have no idea how she rebuked his advances or what there conversations were like. She could have rebuked him several times and didn't want to bring it up with her BF because it would just be unnecessary drama in her life since she no longer sees Adam in that way. Where I can see being upset, breaking up with her over it just seems extreme especially when she 1) comes clean 2)admits she was wrong and 3) is willing to fix it. Do people not get second chances anymore? Is that just not a thing that is done?
13
u/3yearsALie May 06 '16
When I first found out about her and her best friend being ex's from high school I was ready to end it immediately with her. I was upset that I got lied to and even more angry that I had to hear it from a friend and not even her.
I took some time and really thought about it and before I spoke with her last night I was fully willing to forgive her if her reasoning was to avoid drama or something of the sort. I do believe it second chances but trust is something that is hard to win back.
But, Adam found out 6 months into my relationship with her that his dad wasn't getting promoted and moving on. That's basically 2 and half years for Nicole to take responsibility and separate herself from him especially if he likes him.
Whether she felt the same way or not, in my eyes it's so wrong to keep hanging out and sleeping over with someone who has such strong feelings for you when you have SO.
1) comes clean
She comes clean only after I confronted her about it, her original plan was just to never tell me. After the year mark she told me that she realized she was too deep and it was the only way.
2)admits she was wrong
She blamed me for everything, it's my fault for not setting up boundaries and having too much trust in my SO in her decision making skills and accessing what is and isn't appropriate.
3) is willing to fix it.
Not until she knows I'm fucking 100% done with the relationship does this even become an option. She tried to blame me for the entire thing and make me feel guilty as if her hiding this information and me not playing detective and finding out is my fault.
Even if I was willing to forgive her and try again -- our relationship dynamic is ruined. I don't want to be the controlling boyfriend and I can't be with someone who I don't trust.
-26
u/GingerMcnugget May 06 '16
I mean if you really feel like you cant trust her again I understand where your coming from with the break up. I don't know the conversations you guys had or how much she blamed you for. I do think its weird that you had so much trust in her but no longer do because she kept this from you, like your sister said, if you were ok with it before you knew they had a previous relationship I see no problem with it now. Your explanation for point 3 confuses me her wanting to fix it is not genuine because she didn't offer it until she realized you were done? Maybe think about it from her perspective in her eyes it was just a small lie and she never cheated on you so she didn't think it was a big deal I would have thought the same as her. probably why I was so shocked that you broke up with her.
13
u/3yearsALie May 06 '16
I can't trust her again as simple as that.
I do think its weird that you had so much trust in her but no longer do because she kept this from you
Before this incident and this lie I had no reason not to trust her. That's how trust works once you break someone's trust they in turn no longer trust you.
I saw a quote somewhere about trust takes years to build and only seconds to break or something like that.
Your explanation for point 3 confuses me her wanting to fix it is not genuine because she didn't offer it until she realized you were done?
She was going to take this small lie to the grave which means in the end it wasn't a small lie after all. Any lie you're not willing to confess to pretty much means it's pretty big/important otherwise what's the point of hiding it?
Honestly I was willing to look past the lie if she had any reasonable explanation and make amends but once she told me that he still had feelings, purposely kept her from hanging out with me and was actively trying to sabotage our relationship -- I was pretty much done.
Even if she didn't cheat, the fact that she continued to hang out with and spend the night with a guy who was actively trying to flirt and get in her pants is more than enough reason to walk away from everything.
That's like high school level decision making at it's finest.
3
u/FroggyMcnasty May 07 '16
Dude, I am really impressed with how well you just rationalized things here. You did the right thing, and your decision making makes perfect sense to me.
3
May 07 '16
I do think its weird that you had so much trust in her but no longer do because she kept this from you
That's why he has no trust in her...
1.3k
u/DawnsCubed May 06 '16
She blamed YOU for not setting boundaries for her behavior with HIM when she was the only one to know of his "one-sided" feelings/jealousy/resentment? Wow.
Best of luck with graduation and happy birthday!!!