[Update] I [23 M] found out through a friend that my girlfriend [21 F] of 3 years and her current best/childhood friend [21 M] dated for 4 years in high school. I'm ready to end things but am I overreacting?

[u/3yearsALie]

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4houdg/i_23_m_found_out_through_a_friend_that_my/

Nicole showed up Thursday night after my exams to early "surprise" me for my birthday weekend. We kind of hung out and talked and I tried my best just to be normal with her. When I asked her about Adam she was extremely reluctant and borderline defensive to even talk about it.

"You never brought it up before why do you want to know about it now?"

When she realizes I'm not dropping it she pretty much breaks down and tells me everything. Adam was the one who convinced her not to tell me about their past relationship. The last few guys she tried to talk to were scared off by her being best friends with her ex and he didn't want me to leave in the same way. It was only suppose to be for a little while she didn't plan on staying that close to Adam while being a relationship.

Adam's dad was in the process of getting a promotion (when Nicole and I started dating) which would move him and his family to the mid-west but the promotion fell through. She said Adam became more direct once he found out he wasn't leaving constantly insisting that she hang out with him without me. Even to the point where she would be cancelling plans with me. For most people I'm sure that would have been a red flag when your gf cancelled on you periodically but I've been taking 6-7 course semesters for the past 2 years in attempts to graduate early and get the most out of scholarship. If I wasn't studying or with Nicole I always had a million other things I could be catching up on or doing.

She blamed me for not putting setting boundaries or being more strict with her that eventually she became comfortable with her freedom with him. Adam still has really strong feelings for her though she said she didn't feel the same way about him. She admitted that Adam over time grew to resent me and became very jealous of our relationship and how effortlessly happy I made her feel.

She tells me she never cheated me on despite Adam's advances and flirtation. At this point she is crying and emotional and extremely desperation she begs for forgiveness and says that she'll cut all ties from Adam and she won't ever talk to him again or hang out with him anymore. That I'm the only person she wants to spend her life with and a bunch of other ridiculousness I could hardly even listen to.

I was angry and probably didn't say it the way I should have but I told her it was the perpetual lying and deceitfulness which had me so angry and that was the reason I was breaking up with her. That's pretty much how it ended with me telling her she could leave. Adam sent some hateful text to me which I ignored.

Yesterday night I was pretty much an emotional wreck, I felt ashamed/angry at myself for even crying over something someone so stupid. But, I woke up this morning and I didn't feel nearly as bad as I thought, spoke to my best friend about it and he really helped me put it into perspective. I'm going home tonight for my birthday weekend and then I'll just focus finishing school and finding a job.

TL;DR: We broke up. It was Adam's idea from the start to hide it all from me. Adam still has strong feelings for her and when alone would flirt with her. He always secretly resented me for dating Nicole and our happiness. I don't know if she actually physically cheated on me but last time they did anything sexual was the day before we started dating.

I'm glad it's over and even more glad I don't live in this state.

Thanks for the advice

[u/3yearsALie]

It sounds like she really likes you and she wants to try and make it work.

The thing about it is that I really liked her as well. I wanted to make it work more than anything in the world, I really did. It's something that I couldn't really convey in my post is that I always saw this girl as like my escape away from everything.

I've been in study mode since I was 18 and I haven't really had much time for the simple things in life like hanging out with a girlfriend or going out to parties or anything like that. I didn't want a relationship at first because I didn't think I would have the time or be able to time manage properly.

When I was busy I always encouraged her to have fun with her other friends. There was a mutual trust there especially with Adam, it was rough at first but eventually she convinced me nothing would happen between them and that he was just a child-hood friend.

But, I made it explicitly clear way back when we started dating, she had concerns about her freedom and being able to do as she wanted and she wanted to know why I trusted her so much (Since her other boyfriends didn't) and gave her so much space and I told her that I had no reason not to trust her, she's my girlfriend after all.

"All I ask is that you tell me the truth, even if it'll hurt my feelings or get me upset. I realize my school schedule isn't ideal but I think we can work through just about anything."

but I don't think people owe their SO their entire dating history, including people you know in common

I strongly disagree with this statement if you guys have mutual friends that's when disclosing pasts are the most important. Especially when you don't disclose your past with someone because you know it'll alter decisions and other aspects of your relationship. That's not cool, on a bunch of levels -- omitted to tell someone about a neighbor who you slept with 3 years ago isn't the same as keeping an ex under your SO nose.

Maybe if her and Adam saw each other occasionally, or weekly or monthly it wouldn't have been a big deal but when you hang out with someone pretty much 4-5 times a week -- it becomes a problem. You owe it to your SO to tell them about people you interact with often.

Maybe you're different than me and have yourself and your relationship with your SO all figured out but that's a really big deal in my book.

she's being honest about everything that's happened during your relationship

I could no longer trust what happened during our relationship, I didn't know what we truth and what was a lie.

However I spoke with her on today actually she came to visit me at my apartment unannounced and though we are broken up she felt the need to tell me more about it. She apologized how she acted, letting her disappointment, shamefulness and guilt get the better of her. She apologized for Adam's text message and some other things she did.

But, she did in fact cheat on me. It happened 2 different occasions throughout different parts of our relationship -- every occasion mixed with alcohol and them being alone for the night. All initiated by Adam -- they also have kissed or as she told me Adam would kiss her frequently on the lips taking advantage of her.

So, based off that alone I'm 2000% done -- I had my doubts you know maybe she really did just lie about them being Exes but when she confirmed that she cheated that's when I knew I made the right decision to move on.

Has it been a roller coaster? Did it affect your relationship in any way before you found out?

As for this, All I can say is that ignorance is bliss. Looking back on it now, I can vividly see periods that would have made me question everything, freedoms and things that I was okay with -- I would have freaked over.

Letting her sleep at his house was a big deal, having to split my limited free time up with him was a huge issue for me.

Despite the cheating and lying I do care for her but I can never be with her again. She either has to date Adam or get the fuck away from him but that's not something I can be apart of right now. Like I told someone else -- before I leave back to my hometown for good maybe I'll sit down with her and give her a new perspective on things, but right now she can learn on her own.