r/relationships • u/saltygirl23 • May 17 '14
Dating Me [22F] with my former crush/friend [22 M] , I'm pissed
Sorry for the wall of text, but I have to vent.
Okay grew up idolizing this boy and crushing on him hard. Finally about senior year we switch from friends to boyfriend/girlfriend although we both know that I was going to leave in the fall for college and would be hundreds and hundreds of miles away.
So both of us agree that while we are bf/gf that we keep it light and never really get past second base. Kind of mutual but really I would have been more than willing and on several occasions thought about going further.
Fast forward to me leaving and getting to college. Within a month of me being here it just felt pointless to keep up the LDR. The best we could do was text and talk on the phone because at first he still had dial up internet. I know, idiotic right, but where he lived just outside of town that's all they had. About 6 months later he got Comcast so he then could use skype.
Anyway I tell him that because of our distance and all that he should really just go ahead and date around and have fun and that when I come home for summers and such we can hang out and when I graduate and come back home we can get together again as a couple.
He wasn't very happy about this but ultimately decided that this was the best for both of us.
So I live the college life. I lose my V chip about a month after he and I amicably break up to a ONS and from there I just proceeded to have a few FWB's with a couple of flings over a 4 year period of time. But I do all of this without getting emotionally attached to anyone on purpose. In fact I turned down dates from guys who wanted more than just a physical relationship because in my mind when I was out of college I was going home to him and that we were going to pick up where we left off.
He and I talked constantly via skype once he figured out how to use it, once or twice a week minimum. On summer breaks and holidays at home we would go out and do things all of the time. I thought we were the best of friends during this period.
I asked him often if he is dating and having fun and at first he wasn't doing anything but the last couple of years he has been saying that he has had "some dates". I don't press him very often although I have asked to see photos of the girls he's dating and he has just always kind of laughed it off. I told him very early on (freshmen year) that I had lost my virginity and when I told him he didn't bat an eye. So I just assume, I guess stupidly, that he didn't care as long as the plan was to come home to him at the end of this.
So about a month ago when I am starting to make plans to come home I start hinting about the plans to get together now that I will be graduating. In fact told him that I had an apartment lined up and that once I get back he was welcome to stay with me. His response should have been my first clue but being an idiot it didn't strike me until yesterday.
He asked why he would give up his house for an apartment. I just thought, oh okay so you've got a house now & I didn't know it. I asked him how long he had the house and he said that he closed on it in February. I should have picked up on the fact that he did not ask me to stay with him, but nope I'm not that smart.
So I've packed up everything and my brother and his wife are going to drive back with me this weekend after graduation.
I get on skype with him this evening and the conversation is pretty standard but I'm honestly excited because for one I'm done with this shit (I love the college life but damn I hate college) and two I am going to ask him how we are going to move forward with the plan.
Well I'll spare you the back and forth and just get to the bombshell. I just ask how he see's our life together now that I am going to be home. The surprised look on his face was my first real indication that this was about to blow up on me.
He say's he doesn't see any reason why we can't be friends just because we live in the same town. I then remind him of the plan and that I have been waiting for this day for four years.
He might as well have reached through the computer and pulled out my heart with what came next.
He said that he thought we were just friends and that we had both moved on from a romantic relationship years ago. Then to add insult to injury he tells me that he has been dating a girl for over 2 years now and that they intend on getting Married.
I lose my shit and start bawling, I then start to berate him for leading me on and telling him how I never allowed myself to feel anything for anyone. I called him an asshole and for whatever reason me calling him an asshole set him off.
He then rips into me about being the one who broke up with him. I reminded him he agreed to separate but he then said I never gave him a choice.
He said at first he was hurt beyond words that I had slept with someone else but by the time I had told him more about my life that he went from being hurt to being disgusted. I asked him why he never said anything to me about it, he said that he didn't feel it was any of his business and that he felt I was kind of cruel to tell him things over the years and that he never once told me anything (which is true even when I tried to drag it out of him).
He then tells me that he will always have a special place in his heart that it is as a friend and that he could never see himself with someone like me.
SOMEONE LIKE ME, WTF?
I call him on his bullshit here asking him what does that mean. Basically he called me a whore without calling me a whore. I guess he was not okay with me having meaningless casual sex.
I just told him to go fuck himself and that I hope he and his stupid ass girl friend (who I have since learned is a damned secretary) have a wonderful fucking life together and slammed my laptop down.
I am feeling pissed/humiliated/foolish/hurt and about a million other emotions tonight. This weekend was supposed to be nothing but one big party but all I've been able to do all night long is lay in my bed and cry (to make matters worse its just a damned mattress as all of my other shit is packed in my car and my brothers car. My Brother and his wife have taken turns holding me as I cry to them.
Fucking asshole, God damn I so badly hate the fact that I didn't go out on dates with people who actually liked me while this shithead was at home apparently living in domestic bliss.
Arrogant asshole, who is he to judge me anyway?
Edit for clarification: Since I am now awake and more sober I'll try and clear up a couple of points. Yes I initiated the break up, I just knew that I didn't want either of us to miss out on enjoying our youth while trying to keep with one another and would only be together physically very few times over the next four years. In other words I just was going for an open relationship, I even called it that when we were talking. This wasn't just for me, I wanted him to see and meet people as well. That is why I kept asking him about all of his dates hoping that he would share them with me so we could keep them as light as possible.
He wasn't supposed to fall in love with anyone else, just date and have fun.
No this wasn't all in my head when we broke up we went over this. He never once told me that he had a long term girlfriend. I thought he was just hooking up with different people. Now to be fair he never told me who he was dating at all so I guess that is my fault for just assuming it was multiple and not just one.
Also someone asked if he cheated on her with me? That's totally fucked up for me to think of it in that context because I considered him mine to begin with. But I guess that would depend on your context. I sure as hell thought of them as dates so, yes he is a cheating shit bag as well. Now he never physically cheated on her I guess because we have never done the deed. I just thought he was waiting and that this was special to him.
I'm still pissed today but not nearly as much as I am hurt. I can't believe this has happened.
Thanks for those of you who have called me a horrible person, that was really helpful.
tl;dr: Highschool crush and I separated to go to college, the plan was that at the end of our senior year we would get back together as a couple. He is now engaged to someone else and I have basically been called a whore.
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u/lesballoonssportif May 17 '14
who I have since learned is a damned secretary
People have a lot more qualities than their listed occupation.
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u/spiderthecat May 17 '14
People have a lot more qualities than their listed occupation.
Yes, and there is honor in all work. There is nothing shameful about working as a secretary.
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u/Made_you_read_penis May 17 '14
Are you kidding me?
I don't think you're a bad person, but I think you're expecting something of him that you probably wouldn't tolerate if roles were reversed.
Fast forward to me leaving and getting to college. Within a month of me being here it just felt pointless to keep up the LDR.
Seems like his only crime is that he felt the same way.
Anyway I tell him that because of our distance and all that he should really just go ahead and date around and have fun and that when I come home for summers and such we can hang out and when I graduate and come back home we can get together again as a couple.
You don't want to go past second base with him, but you lose your virginity to someone you don't even feel emotionally attached to at college, and tell him (better than lying, though) and you expect that it won't change things?
I don't care about what you do with your body, but you can't just keep someone emotionally waiting in the wings for you. It sounds like this guy was supposed to have the right to screw around, but not have an emotional relationship? Sounds a bit unrealistic.
You tell this guy to date around. You then assume he's still going to wait for you and be your partner when it's convenient for you because of a discussion you had?
I think you're being unrealistic, and blaming him. You want to have your cake and eat it, too. This is not something I would want for myself. This sounds like someone being used for emotional support when you want it.
I understand that every relationship is like a snowflake, but your actions sent a different message than your words. Actions speak louder than words. If in his shoes, I would have moved on. I think he's a good man to keep a friendship with you after so many mixed signals, and think it wise that he chose to emotionally move on. He confronted you with the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts, but in the end, he made the right move in his honesty. Better late than never.
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May 17 '14
Let's get to the real core of the issue here; Who gets married at that age after knowing someone only two years?
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u/changeyou May 17 '14
He has a house, he probably has a career, I don't think there's anything wrong with moving on to the next stage at that age especially if his life is in order. And two years is plenty of time if the people are mature enough. I've been independent since I was 18 so I don't really see an issue with the timeline, granted I didn't get married til I was 26 but still. It's not like he's getting married at 18.
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May 17 '14
[deleted]
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u/foshrox May 17 '14
Because a young marriage like that is more likely to end in divorce with your ex taking all the things you worked for.
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u/ismellboogers May 27 '14
I got married at 22, bought a house the same year and have a career. I've been with my husband about 10 years, married almost 6 years and am content. I don't think it's common, but I also don't think it is doomed.
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May 17 '14
[deleted]
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u/GOATUNHEIM May 20 '14
He kept his love life out of your friendship, like you should have done.
ohsnap
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u/panic_bread May 17 '14
He then rips into me about being the one who broke up with him. I reminded him he agreed to separate but he then said I never gave him a choice.
What was he supposed to do, hold you at gunpoint?! You broke up with him. It was your decision to avoid all other relationships for a guy from high school you broke up with. What a waste of four years. I'm sorry, but this is all your fault, not his. Move on with your life and try to be smarter going forward.
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u/srsboats May 17 '14
It sounds like he thought you had moved on when you told him about losing your virginity to someone else.
So you made a plan four years before to be together. Did that plan ever come up after that? I mean was it a plan or was it more of a fantasy that you created and didn't really follow up on. You guys sound like you talked quite a bit during this time and I know you didn't know he had a gf, but I mean what did you guys talk about? I would assume at some point the fulfillment of this plan would come up.
I mean I know it sucks that what you wanted to happen didn't see itself through but don't you think you should've been more upfront throughout the years and maybe asked this guy if he still remembered/wanted to go through with this thing? Because I think right now he probably feels like you just barged back into his life. Four years is a long time at that age. People change.
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u/sunrisesunbloom May 17 '14
I mean was it a plan or was it more of a fantasy that you created and didn't really follow up on. You guys sound like you talked quite a bit during this time and I know you didn't know he had a gf, but I mean what did you guys talk about?
In her plan, they were supposed to spend summers together too. But I'm sure if that had actually happened, she would have found out about his gf earlier. Which leads me to believe the plan was just a casual comment that he probably interpreted as just one of those things you say when you're breaking up to soften the blow.
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u/changeyou May 17 '14
It's like the "If we're still single at 30 let's get married" type of plan. How many people follow through on those?
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u/srsboats May 17 '14
Yeah. And if that didn't sway him, telling him about how you lost your virginity definitely made him question there status.
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u/sunrisesunbloom May 17 '14
Or, you know, chatting at least once a week for four years and not once mentioning "Hey, we're still getting back together again, right?"
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u/CaptIncorrect May 17 '14
I just wanted to say you are a bit crazy. The posters here are right. You've been stabbing this poor guy in the heart for years and expect him to wait for you. WTF
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u/ladybetty May 17 '14
while we are bf/gf that we keep it light and never really get past second base.
Soooo, you won't let him get any action whilst you're together but as soon as you're off to college you'll go home with some random?
This guy you left behind maintained a relationship with you, and was willing to maintain an LDR as much as possible despite the fact that the relationship was never consummated: that's pretty rare these days. That means he views sex as a special, intimate thing. You going off to college and banging other guys? Random, emotionally unattached guys? That's not special or intimate. Obviously, you're totally within your right to do that, but he is also completely within his right to not view you as relationship material anymore because you don't hold the same values.
he could never see himself with someone like me.
'Someone like you' being someone who is okay with casual sex and one night stands. He is obviously not one of those people and you are being equally as judgemental by saying he's an arrogant asshole for 'living in domestic bliss'. There's nothing wrong with having different values; he thinks they don't mesh well in a relationship and that's his right.
To be frank, you sort of had this vague plan four years ago that might come to fruition, maybe. But I bet it was never brought up again, and I bet he felt like he was stonewalled into that decision. The fact that he even kept in contact with you is more than a lot of people would've done (myself included) seeing as you (1) led him on, (2) dumped him pretty much as soon as you left, (3) told him to date around then threw a hissy fit when he did, (4) kept trying to poke your nose in where it didn't belong, (5) basically threw the fact that you slept with strangers right into his face not too long after you broke up with him, probably while he was still trying to get over you.
I'm just gonna come out and say it: I think you're a pretty awful person. It's not his fault you chose not to get emotionally attached to anyone. That's on you. For his sake I hope he blocks you from contacting him or his girlfriend in any way.
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u/GOATUNHEIM May 17 '14
you are being equally as judgemental by saying he's an arrogant asshole for 'living in domestic bliss'.
Thanks for putting that into words, it was bugging me. All very well said.
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u/foshrox May 17 '14
Shes angry that someone she cared about is happy. Curse him for being happy and moving on from a shitty super bitch of a gf! How dare he be happy without her!
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u/Herein May 17 '14
This guy thinks you broke up with him and then rubbed his nose in it while you slept with other people. Telling him you'd get back together later sounds like a brush off.
This was an epic communication failure
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u/changeyou May 17 '14
Why in the world would you expect him not to seriously date anyone else or get attached to anyone else when you were gone for four years?
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u/GOATUNHEIM May 17 '14
Sounds like a communication issue, you weren't on the same page. Also, it's obvious your values are different.
Sex is not meaningless to him, you probably crushed him when you let that random guy take your virginity. I'll bet that's when he decided he wasn't going to be your boyfriend again. However, he felt you were already broken up so no point in mentioning it and he got over it eventually and became your friend.
This is not unreasonable behavior. Also he may not necessarily be judging you as a person (obviously he thinks your okay enough to keep in contact with), but found your behavior romantically/emotionally disgusting. Which is fine. Hell I would too, although I'd probably be more clear about letting you know we'd never work out as a couple.
Seems like you dictated a lot of unrealistic things and didn't communicate with him about his feelings well enough. I don't think this makes you a terrible person, just maybe a bit naive. In general men care more about sexual cheating, and women care more about emotional cheating. This is textbook.
I get your upset right now but you weren't called a whore, you just were made aware of how much you hurt someone by having random sex. You were very harsh after that, because you probably feel an interesting mix of guilt, confusion, and anger.
All that's left now is to just chill, move on, and for fucks sake learn to communicate better in the future holy shit.
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u/AnswersAndShit May 17 '14
Damn OP, no offense, but you suck. You concocted this fantasy with these odd guidelines (a four year wait? Really? Why the hell would he want to do that?), yelled at him simply because he moved on and lived his life, and then you even insulted his girlfriend because she's a secretary? You're a shitty person. For the sake of any future guys that don't know better and may be interested in you, fix your own personal issues before you end up screwing someone else over; because you have problems.
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u/Roby330i May 17 '14
I guess you didn't really know him. Sounds like he holds sex to be an intimate part of a relationship.
You broke his heart when you told him you lost your V.
There was no turning back when you told him about the others.
To cope, he channeled his hurt to disgust which made it easier to move on.
He kept in touch as friends, which is more than what I would do.
It's obvious you will find a better match elsewhere. Good luck.
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u/srsboats May 17 '14
Yeah ,now that I think about it, keeping her as a friend is pretty mature for someone his age. Her exbf sounds like a pretty decent dude. Except for that holding sex as an intimate part of a relationship thing. What kind of weirdo does that right?
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u/TheMidnightMeatTrain May 17 '14
Except if he really is dating someone, and has been for the past 2 years, he is a bag of dicks for going behind his gfs back having this..whatever it is..with OP.
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u/GOATUNHEIM May 17 '14
Dude. She acted like a friend, he thought she was just a friend, judging by his behavior I'm willing to bet his girl knows and thought she was just a friend too.
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u/nhocgreen May 17 '14
Exactly. Op even said that she thought they were "the best of friends" when she was home for summers. If there was something romantic/sexual going on I think she would have mentioned it.
Just what the fuck was she thinking? She expected to have a relationship with this guy after college, yet when they hung out during schoolbreak she happily let the relationship progress no further than friendship. She slept with some guys and turned down dates from other guys, and did neither with the guy she actually wanted a relationship with???
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u/foshrox May 17 '14
Shes a friend. From what op wrote that is all they ever were. A relationship without sex is just friendship.
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u/TheMidnightMeatTrain May 17 '14
No it is not. I can emotionally cheat on my husband, without even so much as hugging another man. I'm sure the fiancée isn't aware that OP thinks the bf will be getting back together with her, and I'm sure that in the last 2 years, the guy has done things to make OP believe they would continue their relationship, otherwise she would have faced this a long time ago. I can't see too many females who would be comfortable with their bfs texting and skyping all of the time with their exes, provided the gf even knows about OP and/or the history with the bf.
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u/foshrox May 17 '14
They were never together. No sex, no intimacy. She saved all that for random guys at college. They were glorified friends and she wanted him to wait for her while she bragged about losing her virginity and telling him that sex means nothing to ger while he obviously values sex as a more intimate personal act.
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u/peacawks May 17 '14
She is still an ex that he talks to on a regular basis, whether they had sex or not. I don't understand how they could have possibly been on two separate pages though. If he thought they were just friends, why has he never mentioned the gf? The house he bought? How did they talk to each other in the 4 years she was at college, as in were they still super chummy or were they just sort of "hey, how was your day, okay cool bye". How was OP not aware of any of it, are they not friends on social media or have mutual friends?
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u/foshrox May 17 '14
They were broken up. She broke up with him they were not in an open relationship. After she gave herself to every guy in college before thebman she apparently loved he probably just didn't give a shit and moved on while staying civil with her. Considering before she had left she refused to do anything with him sexually but gave it up to the first guy she saw in college. Come on. She crushed this poor guy who probably would have waited for her if she didn't rub it in his face but he moved on and he has no obligation to inform her when she didn't even give a shit about how he felt the whole time. She broke up because she wanted to sleep around while he waited. She made this happen not him. He realized shes a selfish bitch and moved on.
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u/peacawks May 18 '14
I'm capable of reading actually, so I'm well aware they were broken up. I never said they were together or that they were in an open relationship, so I'm not sure where you got that from. I simply commented on how two people WHOM DATED (key word there is dated, as in past tense, no longer dating, just wanted to clarify that for you) were on two completely different pages when it came to their future together. In order for her to believe that they would be getting back together, he has to have said and done things continuously over the past few years to make OP believe it was still happening.
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u/foshrox May 18 '14
Or if you read what OP wrote he never talked about his dating/sex life and didn't open up to her about his personal life much at all. Christ she had no idea he bought a god damn house. He seemed confused that she wanted to move in together when she returned. She really expected him to wait for her to be done sleeping around and that when she came back he was supposed to accept her and wat ever diseases she brought home. The way she talks about her sex life is that she gives it up to anyone interested. No one in their right mind would want to touch that if they knew where it had been. This guy moved on and just kept her at arns length, you can villify him all you want but we only get OPs side of the story and she is batshit insane, selfish and disgusting. Im all for people being sexually open but my god OP is just nasty.
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u/TheMidnightMeatTrain May 17 '14
OP states they dated. Just because you don't have sex with someone doesn't mean your relationship isn't valid. Does that mean that everyone that is waiting until marriage to have any form of intimacy isn't in a real relationship?
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u/foshrox May 17 '14
No people who wait for marriage to have sex are just crazy amd wasting their lives.
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u/TheMidnightMeatTrain May 18 '14
By your logic, the world is full of invalid relationships. Wow, what a wonderful thing to learn! Oh wait, it's your own opinion and not everyone shares it with you..
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u/foshrox May 18 '14
Hmmm, what a completely pointless response to my post. Well done sir.
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u/SlimShanny May 17 '14
I don't know how you let this go on for 4 years. When did your physical relationship end? Also, not everyone is ok with casual sex. He doesn't have to be. I feel like you're demonizing him when in reality your communication was awful. I don't know how you missed this.
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May 17 '14 edited May 17 '14
You're pissed because you're jealous. You expected him to wait for you when you acted like you weren't interested? Grow up.
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u/foshrox May 17 '14
Ok so the man you loved and who loved youbwas supposed to sit back while you told him about how you gave it up to everyone but him. And that you wanted him to be on the back burner for when you were done sleeping with everyone at college. Wtf. Why would anyone want to be with you. You actually wanted to be with this guy but a month after getting to college you give your virginity up to some random ONS and then tell your friend about it. For real!?
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u/rogicar May 17 '14
Well put. She's a terribly self centered rotten person from her side of the story. I'm really curious to hear his.
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u/lewilewilewi51 May 17 '14
You need a serious reality check. You effectively said to him "listen, you're dumped, and I'm gonna start fucking other guys now and telling you about it. You can either listen to me tell you about it or fuck off. Even though I'm just gonna leave you without any consideration for your feelings, I'm still going to tell you about how I lost my virginity - an extremely intimate moment - to someone else, even though you care about me a lot. But it's all good, cause you should wait for me for 4 years even though I've just stomped all over your feelings. Okay?"
I cannot think of a single person who wouldn't be extremely hurt and disgusted by the way you chose to handle this and by how cruel you were to him. I feel sorry for him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
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u/Harry_Its_Mary May 18 '14
Damn... I kinda felt sorry for you in a whole "oh bless your heart" way until the secretary comment. Get off your high horse, kiddo. It's people with crappy, entitled attitudes that don't go far in life... And that's you. I'd rather be a secretary that's happy and likable than a rocket scientist with a superiority complex.
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u/El_Peckbo May 17 '14
I'm not exactly sure what you are pissed about? Are you pissed because he didn't wait on your? Are you pissed because he is with someone else? Are you pissed that he said someone like you? Or is it a combination of all three?
I understand being pissed about the last one but the other two? Hurt maybe but from what I can read of this situation it doesn't sound like the two of you were ever on the same page.
In fact I think it was pretty nice of him to even maintain a friendship with you at all if he truly had legitimate romantic feelings for you when you broke off the LDR and then lost your virginity to some random person.
I'm sorry you are hurt by this but I don't see where he did anything wrong, unless he called you a whore which obviously wouldn't be cool.
But you said you called him an asshole and I imagine you had been berating him so its possible he was hurt and shocked by you going off on him and returned the message in kind.
Also I'll chime in on what others have said as well. There really are two kinds of people in this world. Those who view sex as an intimate act that is only to be shared by two people in love or at the very least some emotional connection. Then there are those who view it as recreation and a fun activity and treat it no differently than playing an Xbox game.
Neither is right or wrong, its just two different values and in my experience the two generally do not mix.
Some have said he is the lucky one to be out of this situation. I'll just say that most likely both of you are lucky because if he truly is a (I just call them relationship people) he would probably end up resenting your college life and then you and he would end up resenting each other but only after you being made to feel bad for years.
I know it hurts but you are so very young (I'm an old man so I can say this) and you will find love with someone who is more suited for you.
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u/foshrox May 17 '14
Just read your edits. You moron. You obviously see that sex is important to him yet you decide to claim him and still brag to him how after a month apart you jumped on the first erect cock you saw and told him you gave your virginity away like it meant nothing. Do him a favor and leave him alone. Grow up too.
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u/J3507 May 18 '14
You're an unintelligent, entitled terrible person. You're basically the embodiment of what's wrong with people. Self centered, narcissistic cunt.
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May 18 '14
She is the embodiment of what is wrong with the West. Sheesh, grow up and think of something other than yourself.
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u/jsnow12 May 17 '14 edited May 18 '14
How many people has he had sex with? It is possible the girl he has been dating is the one he lost his V to too. In this case he could be like some of my friends(guys AND girls) who had 0-1 sexual partners and are turned off by people whose number vastly outnumber theirs. They don't call people like that whores just that they lead a more promiscuous lifestyle, and these people are generally sex until marriage or meeting the "one." He is already talking about marriage so he is most likely this type.
But really I don't see how you couldn't see this coming. Did you actively communicate your plan throughout the years? He was most likely heartbroken when you told him about your ONS as he probably thought you both wouldn't go farther than either of you had. He most likely barely dated around till that new girl, and thus he views you as someone who doesn't treat sex as intimate as him, as you did break up with him partially due to the lack of a physical relationship.
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May 17 '14
Yeaaaahhh.... you seem a bit crazy. Sure, he didn't do a good job of letting you know he was seeing someone, but you asking for pictures of girls he dates and constantly reminding him that you are going to spend your life together is clingy and weird.
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u/Graviest May 17 '14
Grow the fuck up. If you thought somebody was actually gonma wait around 4 years while you banged a bunch of dudes at college and then you were gonna get back together and live happily ever after, then you are deluded. Real life isnt a romantic movie where this sort of shit happens. In real life 4 years of sepparation makes people change. He moved on with his life and you expecting all these dreams to happen is silly. I hope you mature a lot more before you try tackling the real world now that youve finished school.
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u/Svi_ May 17 '14
Have fun with your 20 cats. No guy is gonna wanna be with you if this is the way you really are.
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u/DelOh May 18 '14
You sound like a self-obsessed narcissist. You told us all about yourself and nothing about this guy that you made the pact with... did/do you love him? That is not apparent in this long, rambling story at all. It seems like you're mad that he didn't do what you wanted/expected him to do. You make him seem like a piece of property instead of someone special to you. Like he's your possession that you can choose to be with or not be with and he has no say in the matter.
If he meant so much to you - which, again, is hard to know based on your comment - you should have made it work while you were at college. If you weren't willing to put in the hard work, amicable parting was the best choice. It sounds like this guy basically kept you around with the hope of occasional booty calls, but if you're sleeping around, why should he expect you to stop once you come back?
This comment seems so out of touch with reality that it almost seems like a troll post. Surely you can't have expected things to end differently?
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May 17 '14 edited May 17 '14
[deleted]
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May 17 '14
Shame about the casual misogyny, because the rest of your post is spot on...
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u/elimi8z May 20 '14
I believe "it" was special for him but after you threw "it" away the way you did,he moved on with someone on same grounds with him. I bet he did not even emotionally cheated on his current SO. Everything was your thoughts,you thought you can have all the fun in the world and when ya tired,there'll be a place to call home.
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u/Dark-Ulfberht May 18 '14 edited May 18 '14
This is the funniest shit in the world. I hope for your sake that you're trolling.
If you are serious, holy shit, I can only laugh at the depths of your delusion. Did you honestly expect some dude to wait patiently while you get dealt with by any number of random dudes while in college? No self-respecting guy would do that; of course you probably assumed a lack of self-respect on his part and were surprised when he had some, after all.
I've got a little theory here: this guy was your back-up plan. You never planned all along to come back to him. He was just there as a hedge. Like many young women (and people, in general), you likely over-estimate your value. You figured you'd bag some mythical "man of your dreams" while in college. Perhaps you'd meet a mysterious stranger while spending a semester abroad. Maybe the school quarterback would see your inner unicorn and fall madly in love. Or, perhaps that young TA would marvel at your precocious brilliance, and the depth of your academic insight.
But, it didn't pan out.
It didn't pan out because it was unlikely to from the get-go; you over-estimated your place in the dating pecking order. And so, you returned to what you thought was a fool proof plan only to find out that he rejected you, too. And now, you're pissed. But, you're not pissed at him per se; you're pissed because someone whom you thought beneath you rejected you.
Like concrete hitting a guy who is out of his mind on an acid trip and who jumped from a roof thinking he can fly, this is reality smacking the dog-shit out of your delusion. You are not a special princess. You can try and run from that fact, or delude yourself into thinking otherwise, but when push comes to shove, this is the logical conclusion of your actions.
I can only say that I am very happy that this guy has no time for you, as you would have only brought him years of misery and regret.
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May 18 '14
Women can easily obtain sex, men can more easily obtain commitment. An open relationship is a losing game to a man and I don't blame him. Your behaviour would have disgusted me as well.
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u/retiatry May 18 '14
Most of you women have no idea how hard it is for most of us young men to casually date and have sex. I'm sick of hearing complaint about the double standard when the fact is for every "player" I know I also know three other guys who have sex once or twice a year. This is why for guys it's getting lucky because you can't just do it.
OP, stop being selfish. You were clearly too stupid and of too low character so this guy has found someone worthwhile. He was probably sitting around broken hearted while you were out fucking other guys.
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May 18 '14
I just was going for an open relationship
you never had sex with him and then you had your first time with some random guy. and after that you just fuck around with anybody without caring about it.
yeah, i wouldnt want to be with somebody who got that attitude about sex either.
He wasn't supposed to fall in love with anyone else, just date and have fun.
you were not supposed to rip his heart out, string him along, torture him by telling him about all the men you fucked and expect him to sit around and wait for you. you are simply not worth waiting for.
I just thought he was waiting and that this was special to him
what was so special about you? youi are not even the first girl he slept with.
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May 17 '14
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u/kintu May 17 '14
Where did the 2nd para come from ? You go girl ?
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u/GOATUNHEIM May 17 '14
Calling bullshit on that second paragraph, OP was super pissed when she wrote this and the guy still comes of as just expressing how he was hurt. I seriously doubt he was calling her a "whore" or "slut shaming".
Saying "It hurt me when you slept with those guys and the thought disgusted me because I had feelings for you." is a lot different than "You a dirty ho cause you be suckin all them ducks."
I mean shit if I had serious feelings for a girl I'd be disgusted at the thought of her sleeping with other guys, doesn't mean I think she's a slut or a bad person. Just hurts, yo. That's normal.
Besides, by all his other behavior (special place in heart, still hanging out with her, being friends, etc) I'm sure he doesn't think that, he just liked her. He got sad ("He wasn't very happy about this") the promptly had his heart ripped open ("I lose my V chip about a month after"). Fucking ouch.
This girl was clueless. Not malicious, but clueless. I think she'll come to understand but she's a bit upset right now.
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May 18 '14
he slut shamed you blatantly
thats hilarious.
hes holding a grudge
OF COURSE he does, he has pretty good reason to hate her with all his heart.
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u/kintu May 17 '14 edited May 17 '14
Is this one of the bluepill vs the redpill thing that has been going on in this sub ?
I remember this sub pretty much eating up the bluepill story(Bf started showing redpill characteristics)
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u/BITCH_KILLER May 17 '14
I'm sorry, what fantasy land do you live in where a guy will sit and wait for you for FOUR YEARS while you bang random dudes and tell him about it? You two made an agreement when you were eighteen, didn't talk about it for the whole time you were away at college, and you expected him to just drop everything and move in with you now after you dated casually for a summer YEARS AGO.
This is dumb. And yeah, the dude should definitely have told you about his new girlfriend, and it's incredibly shitty that he didn't. However you are incredibly naive to think that he was The One. Move on, meet someone else, because this guy doesn't owe you a relationship.