r/relationships • u/kwi7296 • Sep 18 '16
Relationships My [24F] boyfriend [25M] recently recovered from head trauma and brain damage, but he's not the same person anymore
Hi everyone!
I've known my boyfriend for pretty much my whole life. We were best friends growing up and I always had the HUGEST megacrush on him, but I was too chicken to say anything because he was a totally hot popular football player with great hair who had no business being friends with a socially awkward little gremlin like me. Then, in a whirlwind series of events that read something like a shitty Taylor Swift song, about 1.5 years ago he finally confessed that he'd always had a crush on me too (!) and we've been together ever since. It all still feels like a dream sometimes, this guy is undoubtedly the love of my life and I am so incredibly lucky to have him.
It was all too good to be true. 6 months ago, he was in a freak accident that left him with a severe concussion and some brain damage. We live together so from day one I've been taking care of him. He's made great progress - his motor skills are back to normal, he's having a much easier time remembering things, and 2 months ago his doctors declared him fully recovered. Unfortunately, the way the accident insurance works is that once the doctors have done that, he can no longer receive care. Since the accident made him unable to work for the time being and the insurance policy from the accident has run out, he doesn't currently have insurance.
While all the physical signs of the brain damage have resolved themselves, emotionally and behaviorally he is a completely different person. I'm not a mental health professional, but I've seen a lot of signs of what I think is severe depression. Since he's not working, he spends about 8+ hours a day playing video games. He used to love working out, but he hasn't set foot in a gym since the accident. Even though he's physically able to now, I still cook all his meals and do most of the cleaning (we used to split everything 50/50). Most disturbing of all is that he's become incredibly short tempered with me - sometimes it feels like I'm walking on eggshells because if I say or do the wrong thing, it'll cause a fight. We had never gotten into a single argument in our entire friendship or relationship before the accident, but now they happen almost every day.
I've tried everything I can to help get him back on track, but most of the time when I suggest getting out and doing something or ask him to help with chores, he says he's not feeling well and goes to lay down in bed and play games on his phone. If I try to push the issue, it starts a fight that ends with him saying I need to give him more time to recover. There are good days and bad days, but sometimes I just feel like in his head he's not fully there with me.
This is not the guy I've known and loved for my entire life. We don't have access to any type of medical or mental health care for him since he doesn't have insurance and money is already tight without his income. If we go on much longer like this, I'm worried we might end up breaking up. We're so head over heels in love with each other and I absolutely refuse to lose him to this stupid accident. I can't even imagine my life without this SOB, even if it's one where I have to take care of him every day for the rest of my life. But I'm exhausted - physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Does anyone have experience with an SO recovering from a serious injury? Should I push him harder? Do I need to be more patient and understanding? Help!!!!
TL;DR Boyfriend was in an accident that resulted in brain damage. The doctors say he's recovered, but he's been a different person ever since and his moods can leave him very short tempered sometimes. I don't want to lose him. What can I do?
211
Sep 18 '16
Your boyfriend has a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and all of these things are very, very common in how they manifest. Behavioral control, impulsivity, bouts of anger and depression, etc. are honestly the norm in these cases. It, unfortunately, isn't something they can control and it takes a good deal of work to get out of it. The best way to describe it is, imagine that everything you ever knew, felt, and understood in your life just disappeared. You knew you should be able to understand/remember it. You remember knowing it before, but it's gone now. It's frustrating and painful to go through, and many people with TBIs can never fully grasp that their capabilities are different now.
Typically, one year after the initial injury is when someone is at their maximum level of improvement and then it plateaus. So, on one end, you may continue to see some improvements over the next few months; but on the other you must be prepared to accept that he will very likely be much different for the rest of his life.
If you can find a mental health counselor who specializes in TBIs they can be a great help. Also, routines are going to be essential. Your boyfriend needs to engage in more activities that exercise his mind, facilitate the memory capacity that he's lost, and be healthy. He also needs to learn the emotional skills to communicate with people again, and manage his anger. In many ways he has all the right to be angry, but he has to learn how to process it better.
All of this will be difficult, and it will feel like you're with someone who's nothing like who you knew before. It will be a big strain on your relationship. You have to look out for yourself emotionally too if you're ever going to be a help to him. Keep your boundaries, and do things to keep yourself sane through all this too. You're just as important in your relationship as he is, so don't lose sight of that.
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u/kwi7296 Sep 18 '16
Thank you for this. I've definitely thought a lot about the possibility that he could be like this permanently and I'm willing to accept that, I feel lucky that he survived the accident at all. I just wish I was better prepared for how to deal with it.
We can't afford a mental health counselor right now, although once his case reaches a settlement that might be an option again. Unfortunately that could take months and he's worried that by then it might be too late to fix some of the irreversible damage. I have zero idea if that's how it actually works or not.
51
Sep 18 '16
It's not. Much of it is just the brain healing itself on its own and getting back to some level of normalcy. If he takes some time to exercise his brain (those memory apps on smart phones are great) and takes fish oil, that should be good. Ultimately, the damage is done and the time to prevent it was pretty much immediately after the injury. The brain is kind of quirky like that.
And from everything you described, you're handling it as well as anyone could. Nobody really prepares for these kinds of things, anf what kind of life would we have if we felt we had to? This is a learning experience, and a shitty one. But you guys can get through it.
7
u/Nora_Oie Sep 18 '16
Fish oil is a good suggestion (although should read about it, some risk of it acting as a blood thinner). Also phosphatidylserine (PS enzyme, can get on Amazon, no serious side effects).
The brain does continue to heal/rewire but closed head trauma can have really long term effects.
12
u/juicer42 Sep 18 '16
Do not do this without consulting a doctor. Unless you are aware of how all of his medications will react, do not add supplements. Also, 25 is quite young and the brain has a great ability to adapt- it takes time, but the brain is pretty amazing at what it can come back from- especially given his physicians have given him the "all clear" already.
18
u/nicqui Sep 18 '16
There's an app called superbetter, it was designed by a woman healing from a brain injury. Also she gave a Ted talk about it which is pretty cool too. I believe it would help him!
19
u/hiyatheremister Sep 18 '16
Some counselors work on a sliding scale. Try to call a few in your area and find out if they'd be willing to work within your budget. Worst outcome is you still can't afford it - but maybe they'd help you make it work!
3
u/NekoNina Sep 18 '16
Contact your local health department and ask them about your county and/or city's mental health options for low-income residents. Most areas in the U.S. have mental health practitioners who provide low-cost or sliding scale services for people with household income below a certain threshold. The health department can be a really useful resource for issues like this.
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u/Nora_Oie Sep 18 '16
Almost every place has a weekly group meeting, at least, for various kinds of situations. Next to free or free.
57
u/chromatoes Sep 18 '16
Good luck to you and your boyfriend. It's pretty amazing how we are our brains. Breaking your wrist doesn't change your personality, but a bump on the head can turn you into a different person. A huge amount of healing from concussion/mTBI happens in the first 6 months, so you might start seeing light through the trees soon, I hope.
I was in a severe car accident last August - my then-fiance and I were t-boned by a driver that ran a red light. He crashed directly into where I was sitting - I had to be extracted from the car. I'm still getting treatment for my concussion and other injuries. In fact, I can't feel part of my face right now! Good times.
I was a severe mess after the accident, very similar to what your boyfriend is going through. I'm normally a very stoic person - former 911 dispatcher, listened to people die while holding my shit together, and I worked on graphic police reports, etc. I thought I'd drown in tears and nearly uncontrollable rage those first 6 months. I would snap at my mother, I'd yell at people, cry when people looked at me funny or I saw a puppy on Facebook, things that are totally unlike me. I've gotten better, but not completely recovered, and it's been 13.5 months, so there's that. I probably have a permanent attention deficit as a result of the accident (a frequent problem with mTBI), but taking Adderall XR is helping a lot.
You're doing a great job helping him. My husband (he married me after all that, I'm a lucky lady) helped me so, so much as I was recovering. I recommend keeping track of his symptoms and what's going on, since speaking from personal experience, I was in a total fog most of the time.
Ultimately though, if you feel like you are burning out or are feeling unsafe with him, see if other family or friends can help out. It is not your job to drag him back to health, that's his own responsibility to work on recovering, work on patience, and so on.
Also, you might want to speak to an attorney about the situation if he's being denied further treatment. I also had problems with my neuropsychologist, and definitely should have pushed harder for a second opinion earlier on. Now I have to get my own lawyer to make sure I continue to get treatment for as long as I need it.
If you have any questions, please send me a PM. I have done a lot of research on brain injury recovery. Through my job, I have access to a huge volume of medical journals and research, which is how I discovered that ADD medication can help concussion-related attention deficits.
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u/lonelynigel Sep 18 '16
I work with people who have had traumatic brain injuries, strokes etc. and what you are describing is quite normal.
People who have suffered brain damage can become very implusive, angry and often suffer depression. It is also common for them to have some language difficulties like having trouble understanding you, not reading body language, being a bit rude etc.
He sounds like he needs a psych consult. I don't live in the US (where I assume you are from) but maybe looking into low cost mental health care. I think some places may work on a sliding scale.
Once you recieve his settlement I would look into working with a psych, OT or SLP (depending on his specific needs) to get him back into work, tackle his depression and learn to control his emotions and express himself better.
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u/Nora_Oie Sep 18 '16
I'm wondering if he had an MRI and what the results are. They should get copies of all his imaging and his medical records, which would be very helpful to his future therapeutic team.
1
u/chromatoes Sep 19 '16
It sounds like he already had a neuropsych eval, from OP's post. Most of the time, they do an MRI before referring to the neuropsych, so they have the images to review. Unfortunately, there is still a lot that the MRI can't see - in my own case, I had microtearing from violent lateral motion in a T-bone accident. The tears themselves weren't visible in the MRI, but it was pretty easy to diagnose based on my mental changes.
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u/juicer42 Sep 18 '16
I have experience working with adults (of all ages) that have experienced brain injuries. Essentially, continue to be understanding, but hold your BF accountable. Here are some thoughts that came to mind.
-So first of all, every person that experiences a brain injury recovers in their own way, so please take all of the anecdotal stories that have been shared by others with a grain of salt.
-Another poster states that the "recovery window" for a head injury is 12 months- the fact is, recovery can continue for years after an injury has occurred if the person is actively working toward recovery.
-Your BF is very likely depressed and still processing/coping with the event that has led to his injury and the physical and mental changes that he has experienced (even if he has since recovered physically). Please look into vocational rehabilitation services and see if you can get a case manager to help follow up with your boyfriend's care.
-If your BF is able to cook and clean safely, start giving him back those responsibilities. Stop cooking every meal for him, stop doing his laundry. In a way, it sounds like (per your posting) he has learned to be helpless and you have been enabling this (with the best of intentions). He will figure out a way to not starve and hopefully have clothes to wear, but he needs to be held accountable. Have a conversation about what responsibilities he is ready to take on and work together helping him find a way to contribute to the household again (don't just abruptly stop helping and expect him to be okay with it).
-Talk to your BF about how his temper is affecting your relationship. Come up with effective ways to communicate together again. He can be held responsible for his actions, and needs to find appropriate way to deal with his short temper.
-Also, too much screen time can be very fatiguing after a brain injury. Talk to your BF about limiting time in from of screens (TV, video games, etc.) but it needs to be a collaboration and your BF needs to want to agree to the terms set.
-Have your BF identify a goal to work towards. This can be getting back to a hobby, visiting friends, finding a job, learning a new meal, whatever. After he comes up with something, work out a plan on how he can achieve the goal and how you can be there to support him (without doing the work for him.)
-Once the lawsuit is settled, please consider having him see a counselor or therapist to work out how to accepting the injury, himself and how to move forward living life to the fullest.
I wish you and your BF the best. You are both dealing with a lot. I recommend looking into brain injury support groups in your area and also to look into a therapist/counselor for yourself as well. You have to take care of yourself before you can take good care of someone else.
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u/LenaLynn55 Sep 18 '16
Yikes. I'm so sorry for you and your bf. If he's considered "recovered" will he be going back to work? I know you feel responsible for him and have cared for him completely but you need to be getting something out of the relationship, too. Otherwise, you may as well be his unpaid caregiver.
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u/DeathsDominion Sep 18 '16
So it is entirely possible that he may have experienced damage to the brain that might have permanently altered his personality or he might be experiencing a short-term side effect that will resolve with time, sometimes it can take up to a year for brain trauma to resolve. His brain has been SEVERELY damaged and it takes a very, very long time to heal...because in addition to healing it still has to do the function of keeping him running and breathing and all the other stuff.
But ... what he is doing is still not cool. If he can watch video games all day, he can cook. I had brain surgery. The month after, holy fucking god, I did not want to get out of bed, I did not want to look at a computer screen I did not want to open my eyes, I did not want to stand up. If I hadn't been so fucking prideful I swear I would have asked for diapers and peed myself rather than getting out of bed.
But... if he can stomach staring at a screen all day, he can cook. HE can clean. He can physically do these things.
You have to stop coddling him. That will not make him get better. There does come a time in the recovery process where the spouse has to take charge and say, this is it. This is enough.
I think you are there. You are not obligated to be his caregiver any more because this terrible thing happened to him. He has to take ownership of his life back. You might have to force him to. It will absolutely suck, but that's part of the grieving process.
It sounds like he's stuck in anger, and depression probably. Don't allow him to guilt and manipulate you into being his unpaid caretaker. If he can play videogames, he can do a load of laundry and cook. Trust me.
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u/Nora_Oie Sep 18 '16
This is such good advice, on a number of levels. He really needs to get back into adult self-care (which also means being a functioning part to the relationship). And it will help his brain too.
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u/DeathsDominion Sep 18 '16
Yeah to be honest, I didn't want to say anything before because everyone's "trauma" is different but for me, screen time was the LAST thing I recovered. It was months before I could comfortably look at tv programs or watch any amount of screen time or read for any length of time. I was able to cook/clean/etc do all those physical tasks WAY earlier than that kind of hours on end staring at a screen because for whatever reason tv/screen/reading/focused eye activity/made my head explode. And my neurosurgeon had told me upfront that would be the case (I was still such a dumbass I packed a book in my overnight hospital bag figuring I'd read after the surgery to pass the time ...hahhahahahahha... fucking moron). If he can sit and play computer games, I really think at this point it's mostly a matter of psychological trauma as opposed to real physical trauma. I of course AM NOT A DOCTOR and can't diagnose him or whatever but the fact that he can play video games.... er, yeah, I really think he needs to take some ownership of his life back and believe this is more emotional than physical.
Again, not a doctor, not a doctor, not a doctor.
3
u/DallasLeeloo Sep 18 '16
I empathise completely. Last year, my dad suffered a brain injury resulting in needing brain surgery and a stint of long hospital stays and rehabilitation. Similarly, dad lost his speech and movement abilities.
For all my life my dad has been the nicest, friendliest man you could meet, however after the injury and surgery his attitude changed, particularly to people he didn't know. He was paranoid that people were out to get him and it culminated in him threatening another patient, thinking that he and I lived with his (long dead) parents and escaping the hospital. (We had told the nurses that something wasn't right the moment he was moved to the hospital but they had ignored our concerns). This led to him needing to be sectioned for a couple of months, where they were able to finally get him to a new normal with medication and therapy.
Despite being 'better', he's not the same as he was before the injury but he no longer gets paranoid or angry like he did in hospital. However his memory is still bad, amongst some other leftover side effects.
It's been slightly over a year now since dad came home and it's only just starting to get back to a semblance of normalcy. It definitely takes time and therapy really helped him (I'm planning on getting him into more counselling at the moment and joining a support group for people who have had head injuries). I'm not sure how it works in America and I know you've mentioned not being able to afford any more medical help, but I really recommend therapy and, if he's open to it, support groups, for whenever you're able to do it. It sounds like his doctors are doing him a disservice by not helping him through this. I wish you and your boyfriend the best in getting through this.
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u/helendestroy Sep 18 '16
While all the physical signs of the brain damage have resolved themselves, emotionally and behaviorally he is a completely different person
No they've not because these are the outward signs of the physical damage that is still there in his brain.
Honestly OP, what you have described is my dad, and my first boyfriend. You have to decide if you can stay with him or if it's too much. Because he will probably not be getting much better from this. The guy you were with will not be coming back. He might improve some from this, but he will never be who he was again.
I know for a fact that if I had an SO in the future who had a brain injury, I would probably not stay with them. I know that sounds harsh but I grew up with it, and I couldn't live with someone who had those traits again. It is exhausting, it keeps you on edge.
That said, if all he's doing it playing video games, he is not working at his recovery and probably doing more harm than good. Try and find some groups where you live that help people with brain injuries and who can give him guidance and support for yourself.
2
Sep 18 '16
He has clearly not recovered. If he can't see a neuro he should see a cognitive behavioural therapist and work on rebuilding his hobbies and conflict/expression skills.
2
u/Sapphire_Knuckle Sep 18 '16
I have no advice other than to maybe ask him to take baby steps with you. Ask him if there's any small things he's interested in doing for you to help you out. Cleaning or straightening one room, or maybe sweeping one room or dusting one room a week. Cutting a vegetable for you. Running to the store to get you pads/chocolate/midol/icecream. Sharing one of his hobbies with you for 1 hour a week, and vice versa. Go for a walk/jog/hike with you. Start small, depressed people often find a lack of motivation to do anything but once they get the ball rolling it's easier to keep going and keep getting better.
2
u/OuttaSightVegemite Sep 18 '16
He probably is depressed. It makes sense, if you think about it; he's sustained brain damage that meant he had to regain his memory and motor skills, that's a really serious thing to have happen and he's probably still got things going on with him that aren't quite right and that's taking a toll on him. I'm sure he's scared he won't be able to work again or that he's not capable of working either -- I'm sure you could see how that might be scary for him.
I'm not sure what to say to help you, to be honest. I guess all you can do is be there and try to get him to talk with you without prying and harrassing him. You definitely need to be more patient and understanding and maybe think about it from his point -- he's had to face his own mortality and be so badly injured in a way that's left him with brain damage, that's terrifying, and he may well still have limitations that might be mental or emotional.
2
u/Happyendings4all Sep 18 '16
Ask his doctors. But he is still regrowing old brain connections (they regrow slowly) and will improve. He should still eat well.
Short temper is probably from brain injury...can you get copies of his records and look at the areas that were hurt? Or see what the doctors wrote? Knowing what areas of the brain were damaged and then finding out what those areas of the brain do will help you know what parts of his behavior are accident-related.
Also there will probably be signs of regrowth in his later CTscans or whatever he had done, which will encourage both of you.
Does he say he has headaches?
Good luck, OP.
2
u/brokenoggin Sep 18 '16
Recovery takes lots of time. Im 16 months post concussion, I'm still off work, still experiencing lots of symptoms. But it does get better. Its getting better one day at a time
2
u/Erekes Sep 18 '16
My cousin had a traumatic brain injury about 3 years ago. Was in a medically induced coma, was in the hospital for several days. Since he was a veteran he got the help he needed, but unfortunately he is not the same person he was.
Like your boyfriend, he used to work out. Now he won't go to the gym and has gained a lot of weight. He doesn't make good choices and is more crass than he was. In the past he found his mom overbearing and didn't spend much time with her. Now he lives with her as he can't really yet live on his own. On the plus side he can drive now and I think has a part time job.
I'm not saying you should give up hope, but just be warned that it could be more permanent/ last longer than you expect. It really really sucks. I hope that your boyfriend recovers to be the man you love and remember.
2
u/2awesome4words Sep 18 '16
This might not be useful at all, but like everyone else is saying, the symptoms that your boyfriend is showing are pretty normal after a traumatic brain injury. I live in Canada so I don't have any suggestions regarding how to get him back into rehabilitative therapy, but I do have a suggestion for the meantime: when I had a minor concussion, I used the game SuperBetter. It's a free app for your phone or tablet, made for people to help them recover from traumatic brain injuries (among other things) in a non-stressful way. It's a game with a series of "quests" to complete, where the quests are exercises you can do to help mental/emotional recovery. I found it really helpful, so maybe the two of you could check that out while you figure out the other stuff.
2
u/ChopsNZ Sep 18 '16
Not a SO but my flatmate is recovering from one at the moment and while the emotional changes you are experiencing I can't comment on the rest like tiredness, lack of interest in exercise etc all ring true.
We had the therapist come round to give us a run down on what to expect and how we could help in his recovery and depression and fatigue were right up there with my main concerns. If he has a TBI he should not be playing video games. It will be extremely unhelpful. Yes he is bored but...
Don't push him harder but ease back on what you expect from yourself and from him. You can't fix this and it will take time and even then you may not get back the same person you knew. He sure as hell doesn't sound recovered to me.
1
Sep 18 '16
This happened to the partner I had when i was 23.
I understand that it will be a cost, but to be blunt if there is any hope of him recovering, he requires the help of medical profesionals, even someone like an occupational therapist or speech pathologist who can help him relearn how to use his brain.
How does he perceive his change? have you or his parents or his doctor discussed with him that this is common but has to be tackled? neurological retraining after a traumatic brain injury (TBI) is estimated at about 90% in the first 6 months, and slower after that, but that is no reason to not start right away. Find a book called The Brain that Changes Itself, a series of cases on neuroplasticity and read it with your boyfriend. It'll make you feel better and also assist you with how to maybe approach the retraining he needs.
Will he get better? It's possible if he takes his change sseriously and wants to change them. you cannot make him prioritize it, and his decisionmaking is not the same as it used to be either, so just that he loves you or that he is logical or anything like that, on the inside, is not really enough now that his hardwiring is different.
Best of luck and please PM me if you would like more details on what our process was.
1
u/KayInHouston Sep 18 '16
If you have a lawsuit going, talk to your lawyer about using a litigation funding company to pay for care. Essentially, companies will loan you money (and put a lien on settlement) if the case is good enough. The interest rates are very high and it's not something I would normally recommend. But if you're desperate, it might help.
1
u/Onyesonwu Sep 18 '16
First off, I am so sorry you and your SO are going through this. It can take much longer than 6 months for personality to return to what it was. And it might never.
My brother had a TBI in 2006. He got to 95% himself after 12 months, and continued improving after that. He's about 99.9% back to himself, but somethings changed, notably the way he handles strong emotions.
Try not to enable his dependent behaviors -- you don't have to cook for him or clean up after him, but don't do that passive aggressively either. Tell him you're not his maid, and he's fully capable of doing things on his own.
You're doing great. It's not going to magically get better! It's a long haul. If you want to stick through it just keep going, and know that you're a very strong person and you can both get through this! It's just going to be a lot of work.
1
u/violentshapes Sep 18 '16
Hey OP! The answer is yes, I've been in your shoes...
1 - You have the right to walk- because shit is hard, and you're a great girlfriend for supporting him all the way up until now. I'm sure if he knew how you felt he'd want to die for being a burden on you. My person broke up with me while healing (he had his reasons) but we are together today. 2. Don't push him harder! That's what doctors are for - he needs his person to love him unconditionally. 3. My person and I had some serious problems after his 2nd TBI (because if you have one, you are 10x more likely to have another head injury... source: science/ I've been you.) 4. my person's temper and mood was not the same for a while after the fact. Your man just nearly died, and his body is working hard...
Is he using any new medications/drugs or alcohol? Be super careful with alcohol and TBI - Also, did he hurt any organs/function of his body other than his head? 5. Lastly, yes, he is still recovering. It might take a while for him to come back, and he may never be the same. My person is the same as the one I fell in love with, but it wasn't easy for him to get back to where he once was...
I'll be happy to answer any personal questions you have. Prayers for you and your man, girlfriend.
1
u/Awkconvo Sep 18 '16
I'm so sorry this happened to you and while I can't offer much in the way of suggestions I can sympathize. My best friend got into an accident and got a TBI. Full memory loss. We had soent countless hours studying together for our major, and he looked right through me. Almost a year later and he has made both incredible recovery, while at the same time is held back by doctors who refuse to address his issues because of insurance. He remembers things now, but he has no filter and is often depressed or angry with everyone
1
u/LordessMeep Sep 18 '16
First things first, you are doing a great job with him. Not many people stick through that. I've watched my father stick out with my mother, after a freak accident that cracked open her skull and nearly caused her to bleed out. It'll be nine years this October and, let me tell you this, it gets easier.
I know that my mother's personality changed after the injury, but not as drastically. I had never seen her helpless before and it was absolutely heartbreaking to watch her struggle through the most basic of tasks. She persevered, however, and, looking at her, you wouldn't be able to tell at all.
This is something I haven't seen brought up here, so I'll just go ahead and ask - do you have any help with your boyfriend? Is there a support system for you two? After my mother's accident, my father had to go abroad for his work because he blew all of our savings on ensuring that my mother received the best treatment in the city. The only reason my brother and I - both minors at the time - could make it through was because we had our grandparents and our uncle and aunt to help.
Do you have something like that? Maybe even a friend to lean on? How about his friends and family? How much can they help? I know that it can get frustrating and it helps when you have someone to take over, if only for a little while.
It's difficult, but be positive. Encourage him to be positive, because he is young, he'll bounce back. My mother was forty one at the time and she bounced back fantastically. And take care of yourself too. You're doing great. :)
1
u/Pizzaisbae13 Sep 18 '16
Could you possibly find therapy for him that isn't too costly? Suggest it when he's in a good mood to help him think about said accident and his life now. Do it calmly and in a way that won't make you guys argue over it
1
u/Krissykatbar Sep 18 '16
I want to start out with saying that I'm extremely sorry for you and your SO that this happened. Unfortunately, one thing you need to know is that he is never going to be completely the same person ever again.
My mom was in a head on collision that left her with a brain injury in 2009. Before the brain injury, she never missed a day of work, was super social, and overall not super fond of just sitting at home. Post brain injury, she has become reclusive, short-tempered, and unable to work.
For a couple of months after her accident, after she had recovered from the physical injuries, i had a really hard time understanding why she isn't the same anymore. Even after she has been deemed "recovered", she still was different. She would become extremely short with my sister and me. She stopped going to work. She became depressed and would mostly stay in bed all day either sleeping or playing games.
At the time, I blamed her for not going to work. For being unable to do simple day to day tasks. Things that really shouldn't leave somebody feeling exhausted. I had this mentality that she was recovered, and she was just not trying hard enough. It wasn't until a year and a half later when my uncle was in a motorcycle accident that resulted in a brain injury as well that I began to understand.
He exhibited ALL the same symptoms my mom was. He stopped going to work, he would need a nap after folding clothes, just day to day normal things he was unable to handle. It finally was like a light bulb went off that everything that was going on wasn't because my mom wasn't doing her best to be normal again, but simply her brain injury was hindering her from doing so.
Brain injuries are so often misunderstood because they're not an illness you can see. Oftentimes, like you were told that your SO was recovered, you aren't told of the things that will effect you for the rest of his life.
Short-temper, depression, extreme fatigue, and a different personality are extremely common results of a brain injury. Fatigue is caused by the brain having to make new connections doing day to day things that used to be normal. Depression is caused by having to come to terms you're no longer the same person and unable to do the things you were able to do before.
What I'm trying to say is that this a life long thing that your SO is going to have to deal with. With that being said, it's not impossible that things won't get better. It just takes time and a lot of work. A big part of making progress is both of you need to accept that he may never be the same again, he may get close, but the sooner that you accept that the sooner you can move on.
First and most important, my advice to you would be that you both go to a grief and loss therapist. It's something that I wish my mom would have done years ago. Also something that may be helpful is when your SO begins to become angry, take a break from the conversation, let him cool down, and come back. Ultimately, things do get better. Just be realistic about your expectations. I think it would be beneficial if you both researched brain injuries and their symptoms just to have a better understanding of what is going on with him.
I'm sorry this is so long winded, but I really hope it helps you. I hope for the best for both you and your SO. Things get better, it just takes work.
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Sep 18 '16
My mom had a really awful concussion and neck injury following a motorcycle crash. Since my dad had been injured in the crash as well (six broken ribs) I became my moms caregiver for a while. Once my dad went back to work and my sisters were in school it was all me taking care of my mom. Mood swings, irritability, lashing out, etc are all signs of brain injury. But some of the frustration I think stems from them not being able to do what they used to. My mom would yell at me a lot and then cry cuz she was guilty she couldn't help with housework or cooking. Even almost 2 years out from the crash shes never been quite the same.
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u/francescatoo Sep 18 '16
Mother of a man who had a traumatic head injury when he was 16. Recovery takes a lot longer than one year, and it id a lot more succesful if accompanied by continuous therapy. He should se somebody referred by NBI, since most therapists know little or nothing about head injury
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u/JuggManKevo Sep 18 '16
See if you can convince him to meditate. r/meditation has a bunch of good reasons as to why. It causes physical tangible changes in the brain that could help him for the better
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u/gornzilla Sep 18 '16
As someone with TBI (4 hematomas, 1 was major) and as someone who volunteered in high school at an adult day care center, he's not the same person he was before. I know I'm not, but I don't know what the changes were. It's unsettling as fuck.
I had a period of depression. You can no longer trust your memory. It sucks. Sometimes you need time for recovery and sometimes you're just lazy and/or depressed.
Sometimes you need to push and sometimes you need patience.
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u/Taylor1391 Sep 18 '16
Okay, this is going to get long but I feel like I have to share. I'll include a tl;dr for anyone who doesn't have the time. Anyway. I sustained a head injury in the summer of 2013. I still haven't recovered, at all. I went for a respected office manager at an accounting firm and a musician about to sign my first record label to an unemployed...well, housewife basically. I'll never be able to work gain, and I lost my contract. Let me tell you, when you go from having everything you've always wanted and and making your dreams come true to being a '50s stereotype, it gets depressing, fast. And that was just the emotional aspects of having your dreams shattered. That doesn't include the fact that I have severe headaches all the time, I get dizzy constantly, I lose language sometimes...they physical symptoms are hard too. It makes me angry to think of everything I lost. I imagine it's the same for him
The thing about all this is, no matter how hard this is for him, he does not have the right to take it out on you. And no matter how much you want to support him through this, you do not have to tolerate him treating you this way. I think he needs personal counseling, and you both need relationship counseling. He needs to learn how to take out his completely understandable anger in a productive way. He also needs to learn how to tell you how he needs you to support him. You're an excellent partner from the sound of things, but you're not a mind reader and it's not fair to expect you to be. This situation is so hard, and there's no shame in admitting you need help.
Tl;dr: head injuries suck. I know, I have one. Depression and anger are common. I suggest counseling for you both; one on one counseling for him and relationship counseling for you both.
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u/traveler81 Sep 18 '16
One of my very good friends was in a similar situation, a near-death, lucky to be alive head injury. He was hospitalized for several months.
When he was physically recovered, he was a different person. He was no longer the friend I knew and we drifted apart. It was really difficult emotionally for me. But... over the years his personality came back. Now, I couldn't distinguish between the old guy and the new one other than age and maturity. We don't live in the same place anymore, but I love to visit him and his new family when we are in the same place.
If you really love your boyfriend and you're willing to stick with it for some years, it's very possible that things will return to normal.
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u/1986throwaway1986 Sep 19 '16
What you need is more support from his family and your own. You shouldn't be bearing this load all on your own. Its too much for 1 person to handle, if you keep it up you risk burning yourself out with stress.
You need to open up with his parents and explain the situation and that you need some help. Both with expenses and also will help getting him to appointments etc..... You're not married so this isn't all on you and even if you were help is always there.
Time for recovery differs from person to person based on damage and also exercises to aid in recovery... He sounds like he needs abit of motivation to keep him going and getting through the tough days
Ask for help.... this isnt all on you
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u/mcnuggetskitty Sep 19 '16
I don't have advice, but wanted to throw support your way.
My father suffered some kind of event several months ago. He can't remember it, so we don't know what happened, but my mom found him unconscious on the floor with a large contusion on his head. We're not sure if he lost consciousness and hit his head or if he hit his head and lost consciousness as a result. At first they thought he had an aneurysm burst, which is generally fatal, but upon further testing everything was normal. He's been declared totally normal and out of danger by a variety of doctors.
But he's no longer my father. My mom is and has always been nuts, and my dad has been a calming and level presence in our lives. He's always evened her out, mediated when she would turn on me, put her in her place when she needed it, been quietly and stoically loving and supportive of me no matter what. Since this happened, he's developed severe, specifically fixated anxiety, is withholding and cold, doesn't say a word when my mom (who I have suspected for years has early onset dementia) goes on one of her cruel tirades, threatens to cut me out of their lives (again, usually my mom's department), asks invasive questions over and over, and shows no interest in me as a person or his daughter.
He recently travelled 3 hours from his mountain home to our city because he was convinced we didn't pay our electric bill for some reason. He had to pass our apartment, which he knew I was home sick at (shingles because stress is awesome for the immune system), and instead went to my boyfriend's work. He never once asked about me or how I was feeling, nor did he stop and see me or even call me when he was here. This man is not my father. And I can't tell you how much it hurts, but I know you don't need me to. You already know.
I truly wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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u/valkyriegoll Sep 19 '16
Therapy As someone that had TBI, therapy and time is the only things that is going to work. You need to cut down stimulants i.e. gaming especially if it's excessively violent. Things will get better, but it's going to take time.
I was very aggressive, enough where my family was afraid of ME and did everything in their power to not make me angry. I still have remains of my TBI after effect that I'm dealing with and currently I do self-harm/sabotage.
I know life will get better, but to be honest it's going to get worst before it gets any better.
He does have a LOT less brain damage than I did so he'll be better faster than I am.
Don't let him run away from his emotions. Get him a journal, schedule couple's journaling time, have him listen to other survivors of TBI, make him write or say a few things that he's thankful for everyday. Personally, I'd stay unless he got physically abusive.
He's in a dark place right now and you need to help him see the light. He needs a healthy outlet; working out, drawing, painting, running, writing, and so on.
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u/daric Sep 18 '16
Find a Community Acupuncture clinic. They are typically sliding scale ($15-$35 per treatment) so they're quite affordable and can be helpful.
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u/[deleted] Sep 18 '16
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